Stormy Sunshine

Today has been one of those days that began with a storm and ended in sunshine. T and I went head to head this morning. Screaming. Crying. I told him to shut up. He tried to hit me. Unsuccessfully before you get up in arms. I easily batted his hands away as he was screaming at me not to touch him. I locked myself in my bedroom. Eventually things settled down.

I am not proud of either of our behaviors. However a friend told me that some times you need to assert your authority. Remind them who the boss is. I had forgotten about that. T apologized to me and our morning ended with my dropping him off at school. And trying to teach him some times tables on the way to school. He did not like my attempts even though I was trying to teach him some short cuts. I told him that in either grade 3 or grade 4 (positive it was grade 3) I use to be sent off to a quiet room off the library to do my times tables. I had some issues learning them as well. I still use short cuts I taught myself when I need to times some numbers.

Went to work intent on talking to my boss about my return to 8 hour shifts May 14th.  However he was busy and I did not catch him before my shift started. So I forced him to talk to me on my 15 minute break. That I set my timer for. I wanted to know how he was feeling about me. What he thought and/or felt about my return. What we were planning to do.

He asked me how I felt I was doing. How I was doing. Not how the front was doing but me. And what did I do, I told him everything that I was noticing that was wrong. Again I need to learn how to not do these things. I need to step back and do my job. Just my job. Not manage but interact with the customers. Talk with people. I am uncertain if I should go and mention that I realize my error in listing out what I was seeing or if I should leave it alone.

We decided that I am going to work Customer Service and Cashier until the end of June. During this time I am going to decide whether or not I want to remain the Lead Supervisor. If I want to step down and be a supervisor. Or completely remove myself from the supervisory responsibility altogether and become full time Customer Service/Cashier. Still at same wage. Still with same benefits. Still with 40 hours a week. And no responsibility. None. Other than to come in and do my job.

While talking with my friend, I listed out all the pros. This here is the largest one, even though I have gone back to work my creative juices have been flowing. I am having ideas galore, some are funny, some are dark, but they are there. I have begun working on my first collection of short stories and poetry. I am excited. Last night I did not want to go to bed at 10 p.m. because I wanted to be writing. I woke up at 4 and thought about getting up to write but I had been in the middle of a great dream and decided that I wanted to try and recapture it.

Tonight I have had two ideas pop up and a third in play. My first batch is a little dark, okay a lot dark and warped.  My comedic ideas are totally lighter.  I think that once I get some of this darkness out of me, I will settle into a balance. This is the joy of writing short stories, I can write about everything and anything.

My evening has been good. I did not turn on the t.v. until around 6. I was home at 2. Although I did not do a full work out I did do my toning exercises. Supper was pork tenderloin sliced thin, 4 slices of cheese toast and salad. I was famished. As I was cooking I realized/spotted the above item on the floor. I picked it up and was about to throw it away when I realized what it was.

I had bought T a 6 pack of Powerade. It is one of the rings that hold the 6 together. He snipped it so that when it went into the garbage and eventually made it to the dump, that no animals could get tangled up in it. So I must be doing something right.

Okay, now I am so embarrassed.  I was asking T where he had learned to cut the loops so as to save the animals. And he looks at me like I have grown 2 horns. Has no idea what I am talking about. I explain to him how birds can get tangled in them, smaller animals etc. He is shaking his head. So I ask why he is cutting the loops. So he can get the drink out. I could only stare at him. I told him I had been bragging about him all over the place. And now alas, I am wrong about his motives. Where oh where did I go wrong? (JK)

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Cat & Story

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I was sitting here and decided to take my hair down. Pulled the clip out and ran my fingers through it, and the smell of my conditioner filled the air. All of a sudden there is pawing and purring behind me. Thomas is kneading the back of my head. I giggle a little and than he begins to slide around me. The above two pictures are his lolling about my neck as though he were a snake of some sort. A Thomas snake.

I was not sure what I was going to post today. I had no idea at all. So I am posting about Thomas. You may not want to read, but he makes me smile.

I did do something today that I am very proud of. I wrote a short story. One that I had an idea for coming out of a bizarre dream image. I almost actually screamed when I woke up but realized that it would make a good story instead. So I wrote. And wrote. And wrote some more.

The story flowed from my fingers. I wrote and it came. There were a few moments when I had a bit of difficulty, but I messaged K and she reassured me all was okay. If I needed to I could take a break. But I did not want to take a break because I was afraid that I would lose the flow of words.

My stories all tend to be a little dark. But as dark as they are, sometimes they have a joy and happiness in them too. Growth. They allow me to come to terms with somethings and I hope that at the same time, I tell a good tale.

This is probably really convoluted. Making no sense at all. But today was a good day. Thomas made me laugh and giggle as he gave me some feline loving. I wrote what I think is an amazing story. And two new poems. Oh yeah, I even worked this afternoon but that is nothing compared to the Writing!!!!!!

Have a great day/evening wherever you find yourself and at whatever time.

🙂

Today: Announcing Exciting Results, After a Last Minute Frenzy

This wonderful woman honored me with a request to share my work in her book. Eeeeekkkkk! I am so excited. Please take the time to check the book and her site you will not be disappointed.

Thriving Not Surviving

Quite unexpectedly, my book is available NOW for pre-order on Amazon! The actual release date is Saturday 4/28 so you won’t be waiting long!

Thriving Not Surviving: Bravely Pursue a Life That Will Blow Your Mind!

After much hard work I have been able to publish well ahead of my self-imposed deadline….And you, my reader, are among the first to know!

Although I am listed as the author on this book, I have been fortunate to be able to collaborate with two amazing WordPress bloggers. I am grateful for both their contributions:

The Creative PTSD Gal

The Wonderful and Wacky World of One Single Mom

Their work is featured throughout the book alongside my words. Using personal stories of success and struggle I share some of the changes I’ve made in my thinking that have allowed me to fundamentally change my life in ways I would never have imagined. Their…

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I have(n’t) Got This

I guess that I should have known something was up with me. I reset my alarm 5x this morning. From 5, 5:15, 6, 6:30, 7 and finally 7:30. Got up because I had to be at work for 9. And I still have not made my bed. I made coffee took my meds and jumped into the shower. I figured that it was a little bit of the hormones acting up and who knows, maybe tomorrow this will all just seem like a torturous nightmare. I ate breakfast text my good mornings and headed off to work.
I found out that insurance was not going to top up my pay. That with my going back to work 6 hours a day next week, it was considered to be a full return to work. Which means I now have to go back full time much sooner that I thought. For the next two weeks (beginning April 30th) I will work 6 hours and use my holiday time to top me up. 20 hours of holiday time used. And than back full time on May 14th.
I feel completely alienated. Neither staff nor other supervisors seem happy that I am back. And I am feeling it. I am excluded from conversations so I keep myself busy. Yet today it really hit home. Not that I want them inside my real life but I have to work with these people and not a one (I lie one has made me feel that she is glad I am back) has made me feel like I am welcome. I have been fine with it while I am only working 4 hours because it is so easy to go in and leave.
Going in for 8 hours is a totally different story. My boss and I have not even sat down to discuss what I am going to be doing.
After getting the news today, I sucked it up. I plastered a smile on my face and went about my morning. Keeping myself busy, helping customers. Than I went for my break and sent a message to K. Told her what was going to happen and began to cry. Well not cry, but my eyes were leaking. I sucked it up and went upstairs to make sure that I did not look like I had been crying. Than back to work and finished off my shift.
Now though, I cannot stop crying. I do not know that I can do this. I realize that I have no choice in the matter at this point because the company that has been paying for my benefits, is not the company we are now with. So I would have to reapply and I have not been paying into these benefits long enough. I would give anything right now to have someone who would just hold me and let me cry.
I do not know that I am strong enough to withstand this.
I admit that on the way home from the city I wanted to stop and get wine. Right now I want to numb myself so I do not feel afraid. So alone. I won’t because I have more pride in myself than that. I have come this far. And I will be damned if I am going to let a job pull me under. Make me doubt everything that I have worked so hard for.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will suck it up and plaster a smile on my face. I will pretend that all is well. I will not allow these people to get under my skin. I will not give away my power.
I am a strong and wonderful woman. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. And fuck man, I have got this shit!

Juxtaposition

Sunset
golden purple
stained with crimson stars
splashed with midnight paint
angels and demons
dancing together
war and peace.
Many breathe
corruption and perfidy
justifying their negligence
while bowing down
and praying for forgiveness.
Many breathe
honor and harmony
obscured by chaos
while standing tall
and refusing all cruelty.
Not all angels wear halos
Not all demons wear horns
Not all praise our Lord
Not all disavow the Devil
sometimes we confuse the two
because of words spoken.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
***Image is one that I found on the internet***

Circumcision

So like any good mother I have terrorized and probably caused T some psyche scarring.
We were watching House as I was exercising. Well I was watching House and T was playing with his lego on his couch, back to the televison. Something caught his attention and he turned to watch the opening scene. A man had come into the clinic and House was trying to determine what reason brought him in. Apparently the man’s new girlfriend had never been with an uncircumcised man and had been a little freaked out. So the guy had taken a box cutter and cut the excess skin off.
T looks over at me absolutely horrified and asks if the man had cut his penis off?!?
I have two choices here. Maybe some would have gone with the ‘no it is only a show’ and left it at that. Choice number one. I on the other hand took choice number two. I tried to explain to him what circumcision was. How it use to be very common when boys were born that the foreskin was removed. That now a days it was a choice made by the parents. There was no real reason to have it removed. Unless your are Jewish and I did not explain that because I really do not know the religion behind it.
T stared at me disbelief written all over his face. And I realized that I was doing a very bad job explaining this medical procedure to him. So I did what any one wanting to scar their male child even more does, I googled it. Clicked on the images and handed the phone to him. T scrolled through pictures making comments like that looks like an old man’s (???) and rather grossed out. He handed back the phone to me and stared.
‘Mom am I circumcised?’
‘No, you still have the extra skin. That is why you have to be very thorough in cleaning. Otherwise you can get bacteria trapped, infections can start and than you might have to be circumcised as a teen or adult. And from my understanding that can be extremely painful.’
T thought about it for a few more moments. I could actually see the wheels turning as he struggled with the concept. Finally he looked at me and in all innocence asked me how if they cut off the penis as a teenager or adult did the guy get to have sex?
I reassured him once more that the penis itself was not cut off. That sex was still a possibility. But that was a conversation for another time. When he was a little older and needed to have that discussion. I am pretty confident that I will be receiving a text from the Ex later asking me what the hell was going on over here that I felt the need to explain something like circumcision to our son. And like always I will tell him that I would rather answer T’s questions myself or he will get the information somewhere else. And honestly, if anyone is going to scar him it really should be me because well, I am a little warped that way.  LOL 😂😂😂😂

I weep…..

**Picture found on Internet**
I weep….
sitting beneath the spreading limbs
of the oak tree
where first we made love.
I weep….
rememberances of our time together
spearing the air before me
as you leave my life.
I weep….
not with regret
not with pain
not with hate
but with sorrow for you.
I weep….
knowing that you shall never understand
the truth that I offered to you
the life that you could have had
if only you would reach.
I weep….
with sadness
for alone you shall be
never knowing
what love offered
unhindered
unfettered
with my own wants and needs.
I weep….
having to whisper goodbye
because no longer
am I able to hold you near.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen