Untitled Poem #3

***Please note this is not indicative of how I am feeling/going through.***
Jibber
Jabber
voices in my head
calling
screaming
flames flare
scorching
am I finally dead?
Wafting
fleeing
hiding
pain
so much pain
head pounding
bloody
I opened a vein.
Crimson spray
paint the walls
maroon
warmth slowly fades.
Slowly
ever so slowly
I slide down the wall
life ebbing away.
Tears
slow warmth
glides over softened cheeks
staring
eyes glazed
darkness encroaching
midnight hour comes…..
goes….
I am so lost.
December 11/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017
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Freedom Found

Cold shadows
undulate down the wall
slithering
skittering
making me cower.
I shrink down
pull my knees close
head tucked in
hiding
hoping I will be unsighted
glanced over
ghost that I am.
Frost
bitter
drowning when all come near
ravens fly
calling my name
subduing chilling screams.
Wrath
plummeting to my
demise
destruction
sudden wings explode
flapping
spiralling
soaring
feeling warmth….
sunlight.
Ice melts
water flows
freedom has been found
with belief of myself.
December 9/18

Tamed

Filigree
gold
silver
laced together
form a chain
wound tight around my frame.
Holding me.
Capturing me.
Imprisoning me.
Scalding tears
soak the sheer cloth I wear
striping away
lies
illusions
fantasies 
grown under summer sun.
I struggle to break free.
The chain becomes entangled
knotted
warped
an ever tightening pressure
I fight against.
Breathing heavily
scared
determined
I must be gone
before master comes home.
Too late
I hear the key in the lock
there he stands
frown upon his face.
‘My little butterfly
why do you continue to try to fly?’
Chain smoothed by touch.
No longer unable to breath.
Head hung in shame.
I have been tamed.
December 9/18
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Decision

Memories
flood
all I have left
better times
not laced with tears
fears
deception.
I still want you.
I miss you.
I know my worth.
Yet you…
you bring me to my knees.
I would do anything
to feel your lips
your arms
your body pressed to mine.
Friends
stare
incredulous
what the hell?
How can I forget?
How can I not know myself?
Taken by the shoulders
shaken
slap me upside the head
voices battering….
me?
Shutting down.
Wrapped in the corner
arms around
face shuttered
hidden
black shadows dancing
howling
let me hide under the bed.
I want to be.
I want to live.
I want to decide
Do I live?
Do I die?
How do I make this hurt disappear?
Stepping back
find the boundary
set the stakes
you want me
come
crawl
beg
still not sure I should not forgive.
I need to think
I need to decide
another chance
or do I say good-bye?
December 6/18
Picture is my own taken Summer of 2017

Beast

Words.
Spoken.
Violent
vicious
inane
hurtful
slash my soul.
Are you looking to get out tonight?
I see you
see me
see that fucking reality?
You care not.
Believing
I will always crawl back.
I will not.
My tears
rubbed clear
you hate me
so it seems
when you look the other way.
Anger you feel?
Rage sears my thoughts.
I am better than she.
Fuck me.
Fuck her.
Fuck you.
Started from the bottom
flipping the finger
all came here.
Follow the flagstones
dripping droplets
liquid
crimson
shoulders shrugged
who understands
which one
which is it
which
path am I to follow?
Give
take
watch out baby
you
me
truth
love
we see….
does not matter.
Voices
unrepentant
unresponsive
all I know.
I make you….
feel
hurt
ache
make….
omg
what do I do?
How do I fake
feelings?
Love.
Desire.
Hate.
I hear the words.
I see the truth.
I feel the pain.
Tongue torn loose
words swallowed
I will not become that beast.
December 7/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Good Girl

Usually a good girl
kept her mouth shut
head bent
eyes cast down
always ready to be blamed.
No one looked twice at her.
Submissive to the core.
Sold into slavery
sex trade
men
always
more and more men
telling her what to do
how to be
what role was expected from her.
Night after night
fear
pain
distress
hardening a child’s heart
until
rage
so long supressed
so long tamped down
began
to simmer
to boil
to rise.
No one foresaw
no one believed
the massive eruption
from a child so small.
With blade in hand
stealth
moving from room to room
each throat slit
a link
breaks the chain.
Finally
they were no more
she was free.
To become the monster they bred.
December 6/18
Photo by Stephany Lorena on Unsplash

Life After Brain Surgeries

This woman is phenomenal and I am proud to call her a best friend. She has gone through a lot but has persevered and is slowly getting well. However she often does not allow others to see her pain or tears because she fears it makes her look weak. This is her open and honest tale of brain surgery.

Kristen Ruchalski, Writer

Yes, you read that right. Surgeries. My one planned brain surgery turned into 2 brain surgeries, several procedures, and 3 hospitalizations. I never planned on this.

I realized, after chats with my bestie, that people only see what I allow them to see. I post on social media with updates and I always seem so positive and upbeat. What people don’t see are my breakdowns.

I breakdown at least 3 times a day. Sometimes more. Songs that used to give me strength now make me weak. Things, simple things, I can no longer do make me feel depressed. I realize my body needs time to heal. Twice as much, if not three times as much as I planned. And that’s frustrating.

From time to time I discuss my pain, but more often than not, I’m reporting my pain free days. I don’t discuss my nights without sleep due to pain…

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