Lock and Key

****9 Days****
Blackened hearth
ashes cold
no warmth found
a loss of self
a loss of innocence
tears track through soot
silence round
staring endlessly into the darkness.
Morbid thoughts
death
destruction
voice raw from shattered screams
gasping air
unable to stop
convulsing as the ugly truth
rears its bloody head.
Alcohol
consumed in copious amounts
dims the light within
allows for wraith like movement
through my own life.
Grey ghosts gather
dancing around my bed
an exorcism
no longer effective
I am lost within.
Broken
death looking on
time has come to change
to embrace this self
amalgamate it to the new
creating a better me.
As time grows close
my festive nature
a joy to perceive
my demons battled
sedated
locked within a chest
for which I have the only key.
©Dec. 14/19
Picture via Pinterest

Patchwork Girl

****10 Days****

Falling down
rabbit hole deep
lost in a swirl
of blackness
of pain
no possible way out.
Round and round I go
never ending carousel
riding the pony
reaching for the stars
out of bounds
out of my orbit
a dream unrealized.
When I look in the mirror
a cadaver stares back
blooded rivets in my skin
holding me together
pinning me as I am
no change
no feelings
utter blackness
a void where once my heart was.
Detached
looking at myself from afar
disgusted
deranged in my addiction
hurting body and soul
to hide
to unacknowledge the girl
desperate for release
for acceptance
for forgiveness
scratching beneath the surface.
on my knees
screaming my rage
frothing with murderous desire
I slowly reunite
each broken piece
knitted back together
until I become the woman I am…..
flawed
patchwork colourful
beautiful
healthy
growing
learning every day.
No longer do I fear.
No longer do I hide.
I am who I am.
Warts and all.
Accept me or not…..
I really don’t care.
© Dec. 13/19
Picture is my own

11 Days to Go (Loving Myself)

Feelings
wrangled
caught
tossed aside
easier
to be non-feeling
to care not
than to accept…..
Abuse
wretched
damaging
turmoil wrought
turned my life to a nightmare
hiding
running
pain untold.
Addiction
ruination
addled
hidden from self
denial
rapt with lies
no matter how I try
caught in a vicious cycle
never able to end.
Recovery
light
happy
acknowledged
little girl lost
little girl found
learning to accept myself
learning to forgive myself
learning to be myself.
I know
but as the saying goes
better late then never.
Now…..
now I am loving my life
I am loving me
©Dec. 12/19
Picture is my own

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

Perfectly Imperfect

Wretched
hollowed eyes
staring into the mirror
aghast
this wraith
is it truly me?
Wrapped
pained chains
swathed in miasma
unable to swim free.
Blackened shadows
in the depths
reaching out
tentacles
lashed around
pull me downward.
Drowning
gasps
unable to see
preservation is key.
I cannot 
I am afraid
a child unacknowledged.
Fast forward…..
Looking back
to that woman
broken
lost
defeated
I was…..
To this woman
cracked
crazy
filled with love
acceptance of self
so lacking before
I now have in spades.
I have swum many an ocean…..
pain
tears
addiction
to arrive upon these shores
not in perfection
but in perfect imperfection
love me as I am.
©Dec. 10/19
Picture is my own

Cute I am Not…..

I am not a sweet little kitten.
I am not a marshmallow
with an ooey gooey center
sweet upon the tongue.
I am a warrior.
I fought through hell
to stand on my own
without safety handholds.
I am a dragon.
Breathing fire
vanquishing my enemies
who dare to laugh
to taunt
to derail the truth that I embrace…..
the reality that is mine.
I am a wolf.
Running free
bounding through snow
cavorting with my pack
bold
sleek
fast
I will not be caught
I will not be tamed.
I am wild.
I stand tall
ferocious
protecting myself
warning off those who come near
intent on destruction
poisoned lips whispering dead words
trying to break down
take down
that which is not understood.
I am a goddess.
I am a woman.
I am terrifying.
Seriously……
Stop it…….
Stop laughing……
I so can be ferocious. 
(Pouting & stomping feet)
©Dec. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

Daddy’s Delight

*****If you have not read the first five in the series please do so. They are meant to be read in order.*****

I kneel before Daddy
watching the lust build in his eyes
my fingers
dancing over taut thighs.
Light dancing
as I giggle
knowing how far I can go
how much I can torment
before Daddy decides…..
it’s his turn.
Again.
I know how to use my tongue
to tease
to caress.
I know how to use my fingers
to stroke
to fondle.
Low moans
soft mutters of babygirl
fingers entwined in my hair.
My own desire grows
as Daddy’s builds
my own groans
mixed with his
panting
needing.
Pulled up by my hair
squealing
pinned beneath
your breath hot upon my face.
Eyes captured
do not glance
do not look away
see the culmination
see the world
explode within
as we cum as one.
Intimate
two souls exposed
shuddering
gathered close
arms and legs wrapped around.
Breath slows
fingers stroke
nerves ragged
slightest movement causes whimpers
Daddy pulls me near.
Thank you babygirl
he whispers in my ear
You have pleased once more.

©Dec. 8/19
Picture via Pinterest