Two become One…..

Winter
shrouds the ground
covering all in sleeping death
memories stored
forgiveness withheld
oh damn you poor woman.
Life attacks
in so many ways
how can you be sure
which lesson you should learn?
It is easy to differentiate.
At least it is for me.
I run
I hide
I try so hard
not to face the voice in my head.
I turn my eyes
I duck my head
I am weak
I am
I cannot
I will not
oh shit
hear it comes again…..
the voice
whispering
chiding
making me see.
Truth is not easy to face
to see.
It is painful.
Rip back the scab.
Rip back the veil.
It is time…..
amalgamate me.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own

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Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

Nightmare Delights

Dance macabre
dungeon of death
everyone loves role play.
Being afraid
one night out of the year
the inner beast
finally released.
Ghouls
draped in rotted cloaks
faces hidden
no one wants to see
half a jaw worn through
cannot be unseen.
Mummies
bandaged with sand
cursed to plunder the sea
of a time where none believe
that they can be real
deserving of royal accolades.
Giant web
strands of silken gold
drawing in the unwary.
Clutch close
beware the demon blessed
they will consume your soul.
Screams
laughter
giggles all throughout the night
at the Haunted Horror House.
Death strolls
holding the hand
his protege
his child
his time of renewed innocence.
As the moon begins to slip
sun begins to rise
all the monsters
all the beasts
head back home
to await the next night.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture via Pinterest

Scarlet Kisses

When dusk burns away
fires flare
sparks
tiny fireflies
soaring to the heavens.
Voices call
left
right
fore
aft
head turning
eyes straining
you cannot see.
Shrill calls within the night
edging
nails dragged upon the chalk
glance about
feel the burgeoning fear
the closer we get
to All Hallow’s Eve.
Blink of an eye
what once was there
is no longer found
haven shorn
giggles torn
I know what I want
I know what I will see.
Come closer
come near
I shall stroke you
my dear.
Flip and flop
tie the lock
your fortune
I can be.
Sit upon the graveyard gate
hanging in the wind
swing
back
forth
my heart bleeds for you
it truly does
as I lick off your blood.
©Oct. 12/19
Picture found

Word of the Day Challenge #67-Untitled Poem

I am afraid.
None would think
to look at me
that there could reside
in my being
a fear so deep
a fear so intense
it causes me to overthink
to over analyze
with no definitive answer.
When the words cease to whisper
when the lines will not write
dread begins to rise
is it happening again
am I falling down the rabbit hole
unable to see
how much damage I am doing
but I am not
doing damage that is.
I walk the fine line
betwixt
normality
freakiness
murky needs hidden
please
I do not want to fall
I do not want to crawl at your feet.
I fret
I frown
I gnaw on my thoughts
unable to hold them clear
nervous I am
that insanity is calling my name.
Plastered smile
cheers
drink in hand
falling down
let me drown
that is all I am asking.
©Oct. 11/19
Picture via Pinterest

Dreaded Huntress

Stalking through the night
bringer of death
of justice
of revenge.
Hounds upon a leash
baying
blood thirsting hunger
never abates
never slaked.
Above each man
each woman
each child
sealed with a kiss
death
life
torture…….
the last tends to be a favorite.
Villains ride upon white hats
under watchful eyes
mask made real
huntress
dead huntress
of the night
looking for a heart to eat.
Shameless
delves into the fantasies
revealed illusion
draws them in near.
Within those last few moments
as death hangs in the air
reality sets in
facades are dropped
seen is the deception
demi-god of death.
My mistress
she rides upon the mares of night
her justice harsh to see
and yet
I have no qualms
with marking foul humans for death
they deserve their doom.

©Oct. 8/19
Picture via Pinterest

Word of the Day Challenge #66-Untitled Poem

Velvet flashes
satin slips
caress over broken skin
softened with lotions
fragranced with sandalwood 
desired by man
owned by one party.
Shadow smiles 
under lit with despair
glide down the stairway
fairy tale goddess
come here.
Innocence
brokered
sold
handed down
one to the next
rage smolders
soldered red
chocked down with bitter bliss.
Hallowed eyes
grim in death
locked on target
slither in.
Come closer
fetid breath
upon bent neck
death’s close kiss
cold tongue run down
wormwood
bite back horrified shrieks.
Lips streaked
blood red
glide upon the floor
hand to hand
zest for life
reanimated
if only for awhile.
©Oct. 7/19
Picture via Pinterest