Nefarious

ne·far·i·ous
nəˈferēəs/
adjective
  1. (typically of an action or activity) wicked or criminal.
    “the nefarious activities of the organized-crime syndicates”

    Last night my best friend left me her house keys and I used them for a neferious purpose. I stole her toilet paper. And than  I realized nefarious needs to be the word of the week. I love how the word nefarious rolls off your tongue, the pictures that it presents. Nefarious. A word I need to use more of.

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Tainted Lips

Deep rooted sighs, as I wonder where we should begin

what stories, what tales, what fantasies must we share

to make this lie a reality?

Do you feel the same that I do?

Do you taste the tears that slide down my cheeks

Slithering over tainted lips; a bitter taste of sorrow.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen February 2017

My Blood Pressure

Okay…..I quit smoking….I ummmm have given up salt…..alcohol  I still drink. I walk an average of 10000 a day save for the days that I am off.

Today  I was in to see my doctor. I live with depression. Live with not suffer…..But sometimes depression gets the upper hand. We talk, I tell him I need meds, he suggests we take my blood pressure. 165/95 and he says to me….not a true reading.

I all teary eyed suggest that maybe I need to be on medication. His response omg so your blood pressure will be 90/60 I don’t think so.

The belief here is that my depression is playing havoc with my blood pressure. My stress levels and the fronts that I present make my numbers out of this world.

But I am willing to admit this, I am so willing to see this….I need to be better.

My Own

Beneath a stark sky….diamond prick prints of star light

Do I know you….do  I care…. am I suppose to hide from you?

I see stark bone limbs framed by black lit sky

Stars acting as velvet backdrops

Drool upon my lower lip, bitten in desire.

Arching, aching, I submit my soul….I do not hate,

I do not detach, I can only hope that I am yours.

If your chose to debase, to turn up your

rosy regard; let me know so my kilt I may keep,

my humanity my own.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen February 2017

Lassitude

I sit with silent lassitude

unable to determine

If I am sane. Or like the rabbit;

have I gone crazy?

I count all my fingers, I count all my toes

I touch my face, my eyes, my nose,

My lips and my ears, am I whole?

The times I have sat before the mirror

the times that I have stared, uncomprehending;

it now all comes together.

For whilst in the darkest of my shadows,

there is no truer delusion than the one that the

Brain does not want to face, that it is no longer

in control, and that the emotions, the tears and the fears

they are the ones manning the barricades.

Barricades that bend and sway beneath the brutal tide

as it tries to break it’s way in, to shred and to eat.

Whilst outside, I am ignorant aware only slightly that

something might be off.

It is only when I begin to really sense the a-kilter of my mind

do I realize that the devil and his minions have come to play

To tear me down and rake my soul, making me believe I can be no more.

Delusions and braggarts, fears and tears, the domicile of my being.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Feb 22/17

Unbidden Tears

Back to the wall

shadows creeping in closer

watching the covered figure sleep.

She slides down the wall

tears seeping unbidden.

Restless, the figure stirs, mumbling in its sleep

the words indistinguishable beneath the sighs

Tossing and turning sudden sounds of fear

and still she watches.

The blackness begins to creep throughout the room

covering the figure on the bed

The woman stands trying to claw her way free

but there is to be no release.

Bowing her head she gives into the shadows

allowing the feelings of hatred, despair

loathing and disregard for her well being

To find the toe holds and chinks in the armour.

The figure on the bed turns, and she beholds herself

wrapped in a cocoon of black shadows

of feelings so strong, so torrential

and still unbidden tears do seep.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen February 2017

This Man

He towers over me and thinks that he is the defender of all evil. He is 7 years younger than me and well I look after him.

My brother. The kid who disrupted my life at age 7. The kid who made me realize that there was someone I cared about more than me.

The person who can call me at 2 a.m. and say ‘Jay man I need you’ and I will say…..’uh yeah give me another hour or two and I will be there.’ LOL not even.

He calls me in the middle of the night, he calls me in the middle of the day, he says to me ‘Jay I need you,’ and I am in my car, no one else matters, and I will protect him.

He is my brother, my baby bro, he is my rock.  He is the crazy dude who looks at you and says ‘seriously you thought she was better than that, where have you been?’

He is the little boy that grew up to fast, he is the little brother who will kick your ass, he is my family……my sunshine…..he is the annoying voice that resides in my head.