What happened to me?

So I have made a rather startling discovery about myself. Sometime, without my knowledge, I have matured. I mean, age wise I am 44 years old, in my head, I am in my early 20’s. However, recent conversations have made me realize that I have accepted difficult situations and learned how to deal with them. And I am trying to teach T that as well.

Exhibit A: T and K are best friends as concluded in previous blogs. And than there is K2. K2 is an interloper, he has no holding in the friendship of T and K but as the other neighbor, he is used as a stop gap. When T or K is not available to play or hang out, K2 will do. Today I made T and K go outside and play. It was only -3 and the sun was shining. As they race out the door, T states that if K2 comes out they are going into the house. And I called him back.

I explained to him, that I understood, he and K go to different schools. He and K2 are in the same classroom and see one another every day. He and K only really have weekends and Wednesday to play. And Wednesday is for like a half hour. However, if K2 came out to play, I felt that they should play with him because it was not nice that they only wanted to spend time with him if one or the other was not here. T got it. He did come in but that was just because he was cold and refused to put on a real jacket.

Exhibit B: I no longer hate my ex. I no longer blame him for the choices that I made. I want us to be friends, not only because we share the most brilliant son but because we shared a life together for 20 years. There are certain things that only he is ever going to understand about me. There are certain inside jokes and bitching that I miss because he gets it. I fell out of love with him, but not the life we once shared. Those memories are so important and it has taken me a long time to accept that.

So I have matured. I have taken yet another step along the journey of my life. I am just not sure when or how it happened.

Rock Bottom

I stand at the bottom, looking upwards to that slice of blue sky
around me stone crumbles, smooth no hand holds to climb
Nothing but blackness, fear and despair, the bottom is horrid
and I don’t want to be here.

©Jay-lyn Helgason-Doerksen

August 6/14

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