My BFF

I met my most recent BFF through my son. Her son is his best friend. Our boys met at the age of 1.5 years (T) and just over 2 years (K). She is my rock, my hero and oh my god she will kick your ass if you make me cry.

We have had several moments that are purely us.

1. In the shirt above, I went out and made to fill out the dog bowl with water. I lost control of the hose and well can we all say ‘wet’ tee shirt contest. M and me we howled.
2. She has supported me and held me up when I am not sure which way is up
3. She wants to kick ass and take names for all who hurt me
4. I got to see her gas, it was cool, trendrils of smoke through the intestines, so awesome except the Dr. thought that we were gay
5. Her posting on FB of a Sister Wives house but for the two of us, so even more tongues are going to wag
6. She encourages me to not put up with lack luster humor, when the BF doesn’t understand our jokes she tells me to turn around and come back home because I cannot accept that type of negativity.
7. I always laugh when she texts me
8. As a mom we are always interested in our child’s poop, as middle agers we are only interested in our own.
9. When  I say ‘dog with a bone’ she looks at me and goes ‘no comment’

M loves me and I love M. She is going to hate this blog because it is all feely.

I have been so lucky in my life. I have had F and C as best friends (female) I have had K and S as male best friends. At each point of my life where I needed that someone, there has always been a friend to fill that niche. But with M I have had a lot of laughs and she has shown me the paths that I need to follow…..and for that  I say……kisses cause you gotta suck it up M!

Mini Melt Down

Today was the day that I had a mini melt down. Okay truth be told, a bit of a major melt down. I am exhausted. In three days I have worked 26.5 hours, and I still have 16 hours to go. I feel as though I have to have all the answers at work. I feel as though I am stretching myself so thin that something will have to give. And I am without my son this week so I tend to be a bit more down, a bit more emotional and than I realize that I am also PMS’ing which makes everything so much worse.

As I snapped at my co-worker about how I have expectations that are not being met by my supervisors and I want to know what they are doing in the evening, she runs me a list. And all I can think is yes, I do that as well. And than comes the ‘well I am helping the staff clean, and bagging, helping on the front end.’ Yes, when it is busy you are either on till or you are bagging. But helping them clean and do the night chores? That is not your responsibility. That is their’s. As it is my manager was surprised when I told him that all cleaning in the front was done by the staff and not the courtesy clerks.

I was almost frothing at the mouth.  And it had started off as a wonderful day. I have not had heat in my car for the last two days which was not so bad due to the fact that it was warmish out. But this morning it was -14 and I needed heat. As I scrabbled around in the dark reaching for the brush/scraper, I slammed it against the glove box and suddenly the fan kicked in, blowing warmish air into the car. I hit all the green lights so it only took 3 minutes from the time I left home until I parked at work.

Everything for the store settle went wonderfully. No hiccups no big issues, I was sailing through.  It looked like a day that was going to be perfect. I should have hushed my thoughts for I must have jinxed them. First I receive a call from one of my cashiers who I will admit I thought was a man at first. She was sick and unable to work. I get it. Filled her shift and went on. Than came the next call. My closing supervisor is ill and unable to work. And now the panic sets in.

Not everyone can cover this shift. They have to be trained and I have 7 supervisors under me. One has booked off, one it is her only day off, two are working with me today which leaves me with two to call. If no one is able to come in that means I am required to work a 13 hour day. And my mood plummets. I already know the answers to my phone calls/texts. No one is going to want to take it. The two that were able to work today both said no can do. So I cried. Because now it means I have to go home and than come back four hours later and work those five.

I called the other two. Not once but twice, I text them too. I pulled out all the punches in stating that if they were unable to work, I would have to work a 13 hour day. I sat in my office with the doors closed for my break and sobbed. Knowing that I could not do this. Feeling crappy because I had ripped a strip off my second. Realizing that my emotions are running amok due to the hormones as well and thank god my boss is on holidays this week because I am sure I would receive another talking to about my mood instability.

I have not had a day like this in a long time. One where everything is going so well. My mood is stable, my energy levels are up, nothing can shake me. And yet today, in a space of one hour, I shot so low and so high with tears in my eyes, that I melted down. I am not proud that I reacted the way that I did, but I was done.

As I sit here this evening, I realize that it was not a good day. It was one of my more difficult days and I think that I have another reason why. Last year on this day, I left to visit my mom for two weeks. And I miss her. And I don’t want to burden her with the issues in my life. For I am strong, and I will not be ruled by my depression, anxiety and ups and downs. Yet every once in a while, I am not that strong and I am emotional and unstable. Today was that day.