This Man

He towers over me and thinks that he is the defender of all evil. He is 7 years younger than me and well I look after him.

My brother. The kid who disrupted my life at age 7. The kid who made me realize that there was someone I cared about more than me.

The person who can call me at 2 a.m. and say ‘Jay man I need you’ and I will say…..’uh yeah give me another hour or two and I will be there.’ LOL not even.

He calls me in the middle of the night, he calls me in the middle of the day, he says to me ‘Jay I need you,’ and I am in my car, no one else matters, and I will protect him.

He is my brother, my baby bro, he is my rock.  He is the crazy dude who looks at you and says ‘seriously you thought she was better than that, where have you been?’

He is the little boy that grew up to fast, he is the little brother who will kick your ass, he is my family……my sunshine…..he is the annoying voice that resides in my head.

Anxiety

I hate anxiety. There is no insidious beast like anxiety. I am not helpless. I know how to raise my child, I know how to do my job. But in the early morning hours, when said child is screaming at me, I begin to wonder, what the f*** man? Can I not do this?

On my best days, the days where I am snapping and I am rolling, where my customers and my son are feeling great because they are so important to me, I can do no wrong. My swag is shining, my words are poetry and everyone who meets me is game. And than the rush fades,  I start to think about the next week, the next sale, the next hour, and wow, I am fucked.

Anxiety eats at you. Anxiety makes you believe that you do not have the ability, the time or even the understanding……anxiety makes you doubt every aspect of your being…..anxiety makes you doubt the truth of your being…….