Unsheathe the Sword.

Am feeling rather out of sorts this weekend. Spent the majority of the day yesterday wallowing in my misery. One day I gave myself and than I must return to ‘normal’ for T’s sake. So I reached deep down inside me and pulled up the stability and ability that T needed from me. A few times I caught myself tearing up and T would say ‘but mom you promised that you would just be sad for one day.’ and that gave me the strength to keep moving forward from where I was.

Today was also the birthday party for K. His ninth and at the swimming pool. I thought that was a fantastic idea once I knew what was going on. And don’t think that M hadn’t text me with information about the party but I didn’t remember. So off we went and I left the cake for K at my place. M had no room in her freezer and as it was an ice cream cake, I kept it. I ran home to get the cake and returned.  Everything was perfectly fine.

And than we went into the pool area. And it was packed there; had to be a thousand people there. Not really but it felt like that. Eventually we found a table and sat down. I could not see T at all. So it began. Aside: I have an absolutely deep rooted fear of drowning. It makes no sense and I am an excellent swimmer.

At first I did not notice. But than I was bobbing up and down and weaving back and forth in a frantic need to see T. My heart began to race, I began shaking a little and than my lips began to pulsate. I could feel the blood pounding through them. One of my co-workers and M both noticed and they both helped me through.

M’s advice was to just stop it!

L helped talk me through it. And with  wryness I said  ‘and given all the people that are in this pool, I do not think that that would be an issue.’

I was able to keep an eye out and always find him. Than I could not find him and my eyes traveled over to the stairs to the water slide and there he is. Another absolute irrational fear is that I am afraid of heights and do not believe the railing is sufficient to keep T from leaping over. Never has he ever tried to do this and he is eight years old. But I am not rational and my emotions are on high alert. So I peeped from under eyelashes squinting so as not to freak myself out until he went down the slide and emerged unscathed and unaware of his mother’s fears.

We had all decided that 2:30 pm. was the pull out time for getting the boys out of the pool. So I stood up and began waving at T. And weaving back and forth trying to get his attention. I know that he looked at me like three times and chose to ignore me. Finally exasperated I joked that I should put on my mom voice and holler for T’s attention. M and L both laughed and responded with ‘Not only will the boys get out but you would be the cause of a mass exodus from the pool.’ Eventually one of the boys saw me and mentioned it to T. He got out of the pool and argued at first but like the good kid he is he went and got his buddies.

I’ve learned something from today’s episodes. I can see the humor in them even as I am having them. I have learned that others do want to know and understand so they can be helpful. I have learned that sometimes I just need M to give me her mom’s voice and the command to stop it. And I survived. All of it. And with each step forward, I understand more about myself and learn new techniques to cope.

I could let it control me but I chose to fight back. To wrest control back into my hands, my life. And I will. I know it has teeth and claws but I shall unsheathe the sword.


Razor thin lacerations caused by silver shards of rage

black and bleak, thunderstorms boil overhead.

Lightening pierces the evening sky, wordless pain and triumph

yet still I lay here, unable to care.

Bruised and battered is my soul;

broken and shattered is my heart;

If only you had beaten me;

the words you spewed would not reach me.

A thrashing I could have taken.

Bruises and blood fade to remembrance

broken bones can be set and healed

Angry words spoken

leave a chink in the armor I wear.

I cried tears of anger and despair

I cried tears of blood and mayham

I cried tears…..I cried tears…..tears

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 19/17

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