He makes me laugh

Of late, T has taken to talking to me more. Whether he is making mock of me, like when we started exercising and he poked me in the belly and said ‘mom you are getting fat too.’ My response was to blame the whole belly thing on him. It was because I carried him for 31 weeks that I am rounded out. He thought that was hilarious. Or when he lets out a really loud fart looks over at me and says ‘mom you might want to move.’ Two seconds before the aroma hits my nose and makes my eyes water.

Yesterday, I was ill. My head didn’t feel right and I was coughing nonstop. I ended up calling in sick and sleeping the whole day. T gets home and we need to run to the store for cat food and drugs so I am able to go to work today. ‘Mom, I have like a really good immune system. I never get sick when you and dad do.’ Now, I have no idea how ill his father has been but I have had a rough year with colds/flus. I look over at him sniffling away, only wanting to go to sleep and crankily tell him it really is all his fault. Him and his grubby little friends all covered in germs. With great disgust he looks over at me and informs me ‘mom my friends and I are not covered in germs. We are clean! We all take baths or showers.’ Not even sure what I can say to that.

On our way to get our hair cut this afternoon I ask the age old question every parent asks, what do you want for supper. T hems and haws and than announces pizza. I am skeptical of this choice because I was sure we had just had it. We finally determined that it was actually last Thursday that I broke down and bought it. T looks at me and states ‘mom if we had pizza the very next day, that would be to soon but it is all good, it is almost a full week later.’ Again how do you argue that?

I love that T is starting to talk to me. Our conversations are wacky and insightful. He doesn’t really believe that I know anything at all, so we tend to spend a lot of time arguing the facts until I pull out the all knowing Google and we google it. We giggle and we laugh, and we enjoy one another’s company during the time that we are together. He will go back to his dad on Sunday and I will miss a full week of laughter and conversations. Until he comes back.

For when he comes back to me, he has a week’s worth of adventures and pent up stories to tell me. He will instruct me and ask me to confirm or deny his facts. And he will most likely pull some numbers out of the air (like 50% of all men will go bald) and I will laugh and argue and giggle and help him to grow. I just hope that I have a few more years of these conversations, before he decides that I am just to uncool to talk to.

Amazing Day

I had a realization today. A rather awesome and fulfilling realization. I am happy and so much more stable than I was a mere eight weeks ago.

I had to work today.

Let me set the scene for you:

A grocery store.

The Saturday after being closed for Good Friday (in Canada Good Friday is a statutory holiday and businesses are closed. Restaurants, gas stations, small convenience stores can be open). As well it is not like there are not thirty million gatherings that are going to take place within the Good Friday to Easter Sunday days. And it isn’t as all those gatherings will not food because everyone will have brought something. And yet, when I opened the doors at 7 a.m. we had a steady stream of customers. At times the line ups were so long and tangled no one knew who was going where. Our customers were awesome, no one complained and we ran.

That being said, let us go back a few hours. I knew today was going to be insane so I had already decided to go into work a little early. Up at 5 at work by 5:40. Which was a good thing because the carts had all been moved from the lobby into the mall which meant I needed to move them back into the lobby. I looked at it shook my head and said to myself:

‘Jay-lyn Anne you can totally rock this.’

And I did.

Eight weeks ago, this would have killed me. I would have spun out, my brain frantically trying to shuffle the hundreds of things that I had to do within my allotted time period. I would have been near tears, while also raging and frothing at the mouth. Instead I looked around, counted the good things that happened this morning. Had an awesome sleep, bounced out of bed, the day was starting off warm and set to get warmer.  I hit all 6 green lights on the way to work and most importantly because I realized how far I have come.

Than my boss and I were talking. And as we walk away in opposite directions I turn around and call him back. Stamped my foot like a bloody pony to emphasize my point (do not even attempt to ask or understand because I don’t) and thanked him. I thanked him for not shunting me to the side and firing me. I thanked him for being brave enough to talk to me without really understanding. And he told me I was doing amazingly well. That staff had been commenting on how much happier I am. I thanked him for that too. And as we parted he said to me you are doing a great job keep it up.

I had customers today tell me that they always see me; moving at top speed and yet I always had a smile on my face and would stop for a chat. And how they appreciated that.

And I had another good thing to add to my list.

I love this feeling. I love having come through the shadows, of having allowed the demons that reside within so much control and I am the one now in control. I have no doubt that there may come a time when I have another depressive episode. But I will have this to look back on and I will know that happiness is possible. And I will fight and I will starve those demons of the fear and self worthlessness that they feed on, so my days become happier sooner.