When the door closes please don’t look back
for not wracked with grief will I be;
a sense of relief, of a burden now shed
a small dance breaks from me.
The truth of it is, as Cohen’s voice caresses my skin
I am not afraid of your loss,
Not afraid that you shall flee
for I know….I know….
the worth of me.
Sensual, sexual, lusting
I will no longer hide
Do not think to shush me,
do not think to bind,
for I have found truth,
I have found expression in mine own.
So today I did something that is truly out of character for me. I went on a shopping spree. I bought myself new clothing. Work pants yes, but also a cute top/cover up and not only a skirt but a dress. Both with the vibrant colors that I love. Well the dress is a dark plum but it is color. For so long I wore colors that were drab, colors that allowed me to hide and not be noticed.
Each day I gain more and more confidence in myself. Each day I see a better me and I like her. I am happy. Happy! This in and of itself still mystifies me. Happiness was something that others had not me. My ex and me are getting along. Amicable I would venture to say. He feels that it is important for T to be with me mother’s day so he will be coming home early. To make me waffles. Frozen ones because well, he is eight.
I overspent on my budget. M told me not to worry about it. So I am not. Again this is bizarre for me. And than I am at home looking at my FB page and up pops a memory. 1 year ago today was the end of the first week of my life as a single mom and woman. 1 year ago today I began a new chapter in my life and it has been wonderful.
I have grown. I have thrived. I have been hurt, I have been played. But through it all I loved T and myself. I know my worth and I know my son’s. He is my life my love. He is funny and smart, some times a smart ass but he is turning out to be a good kid. I faced the blackness of depression but rather than be sucked into the whirlwind, I fought my way back.
I have started writing again. Poetry mostly. Sometimes my words are stilted and sometimes they just flow. I am able to see now that I am a goddess of worth. That I do not have to settle for less than I am meant to have. Not in conceit but in the knowledge of my worth. I am smart, kinda cute, well read and I like to laugh. A lot. Step up or step back. LOL tonight is an anniversary of sorts.
1 year ago my new life began for real. No more unhappiness. No more despair. Just me and my son. And I have done it.
Cheers. And Happy Anniversary to me.