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He was everyone’s best friend

yet a horrid husband and father.

Demons cried, piercing his pain

until alcohol was the only game.

Destroyed two lives;

thought it was a game,

died before retribution could be handed down.

He cared for others but not his own flesh and blood

demanding that we love.

Damned to the Underworld,

demons gobble his pain.

I can hear your cries, your pleads for help

but all I can feel is my pain.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 31/17

 

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Depression

Three years ago around this time I crashed hard. I was so depressed, so sad all the time. I had no will nor desire to do anything. I could not even mother my son. All I did was sleep and cry. Thank goodness for a doctor who is understanding and aware.

When I look back on that person I have no idea who she is. That is/was not the truth of me. But for so long I had pretended I was alright. Life was good. And in doing so I forgot who I was.

*****You know the feeling when your brain is wide awake but your eyes are so heavy because you have cried enough tears to refill all the oceans twice over? The depleted energy, the disappointment that you couldn’t even make it through one day, that thick wet grey sweater hanging from your frame…..that is depression.

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Somewhere in time

fantasies did grow

Over-taking all reality

until no longer

can one differentiate.

Was it madness?

a disease?

An escape from life?

swallowed in a mimosa of hatred

swaddled in grey.

Beating against enclosing walls

fists bleeding

numb with pain.

There is no escape from this truth

no matter how hard

no matter how fast

one tries to flee.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 24/17

Whore no more

Picture courtesy of symphonyforlove.blogspot.com

I saw her standing on the corner

(a child dressed as a whore)

Baby fat still molded to her body

a painted face dripping in gore.

Sitting in my home that night

surrounded with all my wealth

Love and warmth, a sense of security

I saw her standing alone.

(A child dressed as a whore)

Laying in bed that night

my mind did mutter and churn

How long could I plead ignorance

how long could I ignore?

(a child dressed as a whore)

What options lay at my door?

to call the police? Find her mother?

One way leads to a system that fosters

another may lead to horror.

(a child dressed as a whore)

Finally I knew I could take no more

and a plan did begin to brew.

Victim to victim, her silent cries

her empty face calling to my soul.

(a child dressed as a whore)

Late the next night while the family did sleep

I sidled from the house.

The car was running

exhaust hanging in the crisp air.

I found that little girl last night

and took her in my arms.

Promised her peace and redemption

saw the gleam of tears, hope revived.

(a child dressed as a whore no more)

Never was there an outcry

no news, no sad mother with tears

I did the right thing

rescuing that child from the stones.

(a child dressed as a whore no more)

This morning the sun rose

the mist burned into the ground.

And somewhere in this vast world

a child has been saved from such horrors.

(a child dressed as a whore no more)

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Feb. 6/14

 

 

 

 

 

Tiny Shower

Picture above is of the shower I used this morning.

So I am out camping. In a trailer in the rain. Not a cabin with creature comforts but a trailer!

Don’t get me wrong tis lovely what with the wind and the rain. And the fact I am the only sober one. But I am not complaining. There is fun to be had and well showers to take.

My alarm goes off at 5 a.m. because I need to be at work for 6 a.m. and despite the fact I am only 6 minutes away does not impress me much.

(A little side bar about me: I have a pathological fear that I am going to be late. Always. And I am positive that my phone will not go off at the expected time. Last night was not so bad I did not wake up every hour like I usually do when I work Saturday a.m.  And just so you know it is only Saturdays I have this issue with.)

So my alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I bolt upright as unlike at home it is not next to me but on top of the damn fridge. As is the secondary alarm we set due to my fear of oversleeping. I turn mine off no problem haven’t a clue about the second phone and toss it off to its owner. So I am upright and slightly mobile.

I go into the bathroom and ask how I use the shower. Don’t laugh; chuckle a little, maybe giggle but no laughter 😁 although it turns out to be just like a regular shower. I am warned to watch the hot water as it can be finicky. Not sure what that means but hey I have never showered in a camper before. I turn on the water and step into a space designed for….I am not sure….someone who is shorter and thinner than I am.

I have barely put my cleaner on my face when I notice the water is getting cooler. Okay I thought to myself maybe the cold water is persnickety too. Turn the cold down. Begin to lather up my hair as the water gets a tad cooler. Now understand I have not been standing in there for 5 minutes or even 10. I have been in there for maybe 90 seconds.

Get my hair lathered and rinsed with shampoo. It is still a little warm. Throw conditioner on my hair and the water continues to get colder.

So 5 a.m. in a tiny wee shower (I am 5’6.5″ tall 120 lbs) and I have had no time to process that it is morning. My face is half covered in face wash, I think I had all the shampoo rinsed out when I threw the conditioner on.

Now I am swearing cause damn that water was cold. I mean ice cold. Shit and F bombs are flying left right and center. 20 second conditioner splash and rinse.

Well I am now wide awake. Freezing. And going to work. Yes it was only 5:35 when I arrived. Yes I still needed coffee to finish the wake up process. And I will never ever go on an excursion like this again if I work the next day. Unless the camper has a bigger water heater.

 

Reality

Sitting on the dock with my pain

staring at the stars above,

alone.

Locked in an endless cycle

of ‘I told you so’s.’

This is not the first time

nor shall it be the last

where I tell myself

you will not fall this time.

And each and every time

I fail.

Tears slide down my cheeks

as finally do I accept,

the reality,

the truth that comes

and put the fantasy to rest.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 21/17

**Picture as well is mine.

 

Stalker (no more)

***Picture courtesy of Pintrest***

The first time i saw her she took my breath

spotted through the lens of a security camera

i became lost in her beauty and only wanted to know

if she might desire me.

The first time I knew that something was amiss

the day a rose appeared on my desk

With a note detailing how nice I looked,

and I was charmed.

i began to find time to turn my lens her way

watching and learning all that i could of her,

wanting only to find a way in, to say hello

without scaring her away.

I began to fear as the flowers and notes became too much

looking over my shoulder wondering just who you are?

Every time the door dings alerting me to an entrance

my heart begins to race and I wonder if it is you?

i discovered where she lived and prowled the ‘hood

finding my way into her home.

i riffled through her drawers, coming away with souvenirs

leaving behind another welcome surprise.

The rose and petals strewn on my bed made my stomach churn

and so begins, another game, another race to discover

Who feels that they can terrorize me? Who thinks that they can gain?

admission to my heart and soul with such careless stuff?

i know we are to be together oh why can she not see?

i know that our souls will bond and bind

forever making us one of a kind.

I found the man I needed on a street unnamed

explained my needs and wants

he showed me guns and swords galore

while I made my peace.

i filmed you in so many ways, asleep, awake, undressed

tonight i shall climb in your window

taking your heart

and making you mine.

The people who swore that they could save me

are never near when needed.

Instead they mouth quiet promises of which I have seen the results

so we must do this my way.

i found the house in darkness, shadows layered upon shadows

for i chose a night with no moon.

together we shall make the sky alight

burning with our flames.

I sit in the blackness waiting.

I hear the window creak

left open to encourage the beast

and now the end is near.

in flickering candle light i found her

awake and waiting for me.

i knew but a brief minute of satisfaction

until she smiled at me.

A death mask revealed within my burning smile

as I waited for him to come.

Victim no more, I am the avenger

stealing back my life.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 20/17