When I…..

***Photo is mine taken at Matlock Beach, Manitoba Canada August 29/17. Before Sunrise***

When I fall in love,

I am not asking for

nor desiring

sweet nothings

or flowers and candy.

When I fall in love

I ask that you understand

that sometimes this darkness eclipses

that on occasion the rage is unexpected

that I am not always the me

that you love.

Can you love the woman I turn into?

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I will warp from sunshine and laughter

to anger and despair

will you still stay near?

Wrap me in your arms

hold me safe

soothe the fears and tears

and understand to the best of your ability.

When I fall in love…….

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 31/17

 

 

 

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Hello And Welcome

Good Morning All!

I have been a busy bee this morning.

I realized in looking over my blog, that I had way too many categories and duplicates of poetry, writings etc.

So this morning, since 6:30 a.m. (it is now 11:19 a.m. my time) I have been re-organizing and streamlining my categories. I have added more tags, but each item is categorized only once with the exception of my Fantasy-Poetry. It will still also appear in the Poetry Category.

I also in my infinite wisdom determined that I should clean up the images I have added and make more space for my own photos. Not that I have not enjoyed looking for and finding the perfect images to compliment my work, but I realized I have not been giving credit where credit is due. And that is so unfair to those whose works I have stolen without meaning too. I just really like the images.

Well, as I am going along and deleting, not reading what is on the screen, it finally hits my tiny little brain that there are more words than just ‘are you sure you want to delete?’ It actually reads when deleted it will be deleted across the board. Soooooooo I quickly pop over into my poetry and sure enough some of the images I had used are now gone. I will now have to go in and see if I can find any photos of my own to use or see if I was smart and did not delete off my computer.

For those who have been with me in my journey to those who have just joined in on the madness that is my poetry, my writing and my life. The humor and sometimes the sadness that I see, I hope that you will all enjoy.  And I hope that it will be easier for you to navigate through my blog. Looking for and finding pieces to enjoy.

Thank you everyone for helping me to realize my dream.

 

Opportunities

*Photo is mine taken today.

I watched the sunrise today

with silent tears on my cheeks

not from sadness you see

but for all the opportunities.

How many sunrises have I missed?

Because of time needed elsewhere

of responsibility and

well, just life.

I am also crying tears-

Tears for the girl I was,

for the woman I thought I would be.

Tears for the woman I became

and tears for the woman I am becoming.

Tears of sadness,

forgiveness

and welcoming.

Tears that cleanse my heart

and my soul

allowing me to embrace

all my opportunities.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 August 29/17

Birthday Eve

Today is August 28th. In slightly more than 24 hours I will be 45 years old. I did not actually arrive in the world until 8:20 p.m. so am not “really” 45 ’til than. 

I am looking forward to turning 45. I am not the same woman I was when I turned 44 last year. I am by far a much better and stronger version of her. I have taken my life and where I could have continued along the path of destruction I was on I changed. Slowly at first. But as the changes became good changes, as my outlook and feelings became harmonized and less disjointed I welcomed the changes.

I have documented my cycle of depression and how I had to claw my way back. I have an amazing support group who have been with me since I started on the new journey to me.

A journey that has seen me rise high enough to realize I was in an unhappy marriage and find the strength to leave. To my mistakenly believing all my problems were solved by the dissolution of my marriage and I went off my meds. I began to rely on alcohol to get me through the days. 

My crash, which scared me so badly because I had allowed myself to be tricked into believing I was okay. Our brains are wicked when presenting one with deceptive illusions.

Even after I resumed taking my meds I still continued to self-medicate with alcohol. Finally July 1st I decided to stop. I went six weeks without drinking. And when I did, I woke the next morning disappointed in myself. 

I have had some again but there is a difference. One that I can see and feel. It is no longer a need. There is no desire to negate the feelings I did not want to face. 

So tomorrow I am turning 45. 

 I am eating better. I am sleeping better. I am exercising. I have quit drinking to self-medicate and find that I do not miss it. 

Best of all I am writing again. I am more secure in the voice I have. I am letting those wonderful words combine and emerge like a waterfall from my finger tips. I believe in magic again. 

At 45 I am beginning to emerge from the cocoon of the past. I can see my present but the future….that is a dream still waiting to be dreamed.

Better Days

Lost in the malestorm

sucked down the eddy

braving bleak thoughts

seeking always that peace.

Knowing that there will be a day;

when the pain,

the angst,

will no longer be in control.

Days when I shall see the sunshine,

hear my own laughter

and not be crippled 

by anxiety and depression.

Those are the goods days.

The ones I cling to.

For when that blackness enshrouds;

I remember that there

will always be 

a better day coming back to me.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 27/17

Shards of Silver

I walk through the greying mists

seeing vague shapes

to the right and left of me.

But when I call out

my voice becomes a mere whisper,

slighter than the flutter,

of a Monarch’s wings.

My tears are but shards of silver

pecking away at my heart

Uncovering hidden losses

and the pain I try to hide.

One day there may be comfort.

One day I may be free.

But until that day I shall fight,

to come back from the albatross

that hangs around my neck.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 26/17

Anxiety

I am feeling smothered.

Smothered with responsibility,

smothered by my own fears,

smothered by this anxiety.

I worry that something will fall,

lost between the cracks.

I worry that I do not love enough,

or show it properly.

I struggle each and every day

to stand strong,

to be the woman that I am;

imperfect and flawed.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen