King size will kill ya

I love my king size bed. I can sleep corner to corner, in the middle, on the edge, on the left or the right. I can drag the comforter into a heap and huddle beneath it, or stretch out and there is always enough. I can make it or not in the morning. Not only that, it is the first adult bed that I have owned, and it is romantic. Yes, I said it. All curlie q’s and well, I fell in love with the frame the first time I saw it and knew we were destined to be together, forever.

I also really, really love fresh clean sheets. And comforter. And pillow cases. Snuggling down at the end of the day, stretched out with only the cats to fight for ownership of space. I always win that fight unless they feel feisty and than it is the toes that lose.

What I do not love? The making of the king size bed. Alone. With no help but your two cats who just sit there mocking you as you stretch the mattress protector over and nope it is the wrong way, again. I have been known to shanghai friends into helping me make my bed which may be why they now ask if I have washed my sheets that day prior to agreeing to come over.

The making of the king size bed as a single woman:

1. Shake out the mattress protector and estimate which side looks longest
2. Tuck under right upper corner first
3. Walk around to left lower side and pull
4. Watch as upper right hand corner slips loose
5. Deep breath
6. Walk back around to upper right (because you are OCD and this is where you always start: on the upper right hand side.
7. Shake out mattress protector, give a quarter turn and tuck under corner.
8. Move back to left lower and tuck in
9. Breath sigh of relief when nothing shifts
10. Move to upper left and pull
11. Heave mattress up
12. Tuck under
13. Move to lower right and repeat

By now I am pretty satisfied that I am on the path to getting the bed made without any issues. I am only panting a little, like there has been a little foreplay, but not too much. (I am talking about making a bed of course I am going to use bedroom analogies.) Okay let’s tackle the pillows next.

You would think that stuffing a pillow into a pillow case would not be that difficult right? Not for me. It took me years, years to realize that the best way to get my pillow into its case was to crinkle up case like you do your jeans before sticking your foot in and than pulling up. However my pillows tend to be hostile to their cases and suddenly grow in fluffiness which leads to me sitting on the bed, pillow bent in half as I stuff it into the case and than shake shake shake. Now I am getting into the heavy breathing and sweating realm and not in a pleasurable way.

I eye the fitted sheet with trepidation. This one is a bitch to put on. I don’t even try folding a fitted sheet. Ever. When up at the cabin with mom we did her laundry and I had gone in to give her a hand folding it. I pulled out the fitted sheet looked at her as I calmly rolled it into a ball and said ‘I don’t do fitted sheets.’ Apparently, neither does she.

This is one of those sheets that likes to confuse. You think you have it the right way and start to make the bed but noooooooooo it isn’t going to work. So you give it a half shake and begin anew. Sometimes it does sometimes it doesn’t. I swear it does this to screw with me. So I learned me a trick (again finally after how long?????). I look for the tag and make sure that that corner is in the lower right. (No idea why)

Step Two to the making of a king size bed by a single woman part II

1. Locate the tag on the inside corner of sheet
2. Stand in middle of right side of the bed and shake sheet out
3. Tuck in upper right
4. Smile as you walk around
5. Tuck in lower left side
6. Tuck in upper left side
7. Realize everything is going well but you are panting like there has been a lot of foreplay without the pleasure
8. Walk around to lower right
9. Heave up mattress and tuck in
10. Smile satisfied that you have again successfully made your bed on your own without any help even though you need to work on your cardio or something because this panting is ridiculous.

Okay so the title is misleading. Obviously the making of a king size bed alone is not going to kill one. Otherwise I would not be here writing this article. But it is easier if you have a partner to help you. I was thinking of starting a business, a bed making helper. Not in a sexual way, just someone you could hire to help you to make your bed(s). Not sure how much I would charge or if anyone would really go for it, but I know I would.