Pain & Joy

Pain

rippling and folding

into every part of me.

Wrapping

chains of horror

around my soul.

Warping

my bemused mind

as I let go.

I now understand the root of my addiction.

I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.

And when it falls,

when beneath the burden of my too muchness

it disintegrates,

that backlash of pain is overwhelming.

I recall now

the tears, the rage, the everything

that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..

Failure.

Not being enough.

Not believing enough.

From loving too much.

From giving everything.

From my own fantasies.

Silly girl that I can be.

Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow

I begin to understand my strength.

I do love.

I do give.

I do feel.

I do not need to hide from these emotions.

For within them is the true me

the girl who still dances with butterflies

and loves with all her heart.

The woman who can finally accept

the joy that comes from giving her all

and embraces,

rather than fights it.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 30/17

 

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Staying Through

I try so hard to pretend

that the pain and illusions

they mean nothing to me

not in the grand scheme of things.

I try so hard to walk away

to let the grief and despair

become a part of my landscape

and not find a space in my heart.

I want to not feel

to not surrender to the pain

that spears through my being

when I think of you

and how you will go.

I was never suppose to fall in love

never suppose to see your soul.

We were together for a brief period

and it came to be so much more.

I lay in your arms,

silent tears soaking your skin

as we pretend that nothing is remiss

that this will not be the last time.

Why do I always want?

Why do I always fall hard for the men

that will only walk away?

Never staying through

to slay the dragon and find the princess

asleep in the tower.

I watch you walk away

never turning to see

the silent grey figure

standing with tear stained cheeks

my hand held out to you.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 29/17

 

Happily Ever After

There is no harbour in Winter’s embrace

only icy cold limbs 

reaching toward bleak skies

as tears tumble free of frozen hearts.

Razor sharp words

ripping through delicate flesh

tearing apart 

what was cherished as truth. 

Blindly streaming through life

aware only of self and soul

caring naught for those in the way

their torment so mundane,

so tiring. 

A queen lost in a maze of sorrow

her king amnesiac,

memories lost

and the demon who laughs at their pain

as she gathers the threads of their story.

Stealing love and life

compelling them to live this tragedy

over and over

chortling with glee at her deed.

There will be a moment

when Spring will arrive

chasing the pain and fear below

bringing forth hope and calm.

When love is rediscovered,

rejoiced upon.

When memories are found

and lovers come together 

gently bound with fate’s desire.

Hearts have thawed 

tears flow no more

gentle embraces 

and stolen kisses.

The Queen has found her King

and happily ever after. 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 27/17

Challenge Time

I have been through a recent creative outpouring of poetry. Not a whole lot of introspection or how y’all doin? posts. But this last week and a bit have been a bit of an odd one for me and I needed to look at, peer, poke and prod the happenings before I felt able to write about them. A couple of things have been just awesome for me, making me smile. Cheering my heart and making me realize that I am still growing and getting stronger with each passing day. The other began as armageddon and ended with peace on earth as I know it for the time being.

First I should tell you what I have challenged myself to this week. I turned the television off at 2 p.m. on Sunday and do not intend to turn it back on until T comes back Monday. So far so good. Everyone I have told this to always looks at me like I am crazy at first and than to a tee they have all said ‘Oh but you like to read that will take the place of the t.v.’

Wait what? Because I like to read I am not going to miss t.v?

And you know what? They are so right.

I am reading blogs I follow. I am immersing myself in others poetry, stories and find myself crying and laughing as well. There is this rich world in front of me that is way more lively than what I can find on the t.v. set.

I am writing. A lot. Everywhere  I turn I am finding myself inspired. Words come together in a way that resonates and I am off and running. I am being more patient as I write as well. I am willing to set aside the poem and come back to it. Once I have mulled it over out on the back porch of my mind.

Not that the writing has to do with the not watching television. That was happening before. I have had a creative outpouring that is for sure. Love poems, Heartbreak, Depression, Happiness, the words pour forth and at times I feel unworthy to be their Champion. I have even had an idea for a story. That one is way out in the back field being mulled over although it is slowly taking form.

I have been working at reading the same book for the last two weeks. It has really been a struggle for me. This is book 4 is a series that I began a year and a half ago. The first three books I devoured while I was down in Mexico visiting mom. And than I had to wait more than a year for this book. Began to read it. Read the recap so that I could remember what was going on. I am at 81%. At some point there was a major shift, like suddenly a huge chunk of the book, the one that seamlessly melds part one to part two, was gone. There are characters I have no idea who they are. I have no clue how something has come about. I am being oblique because there are people who might read or be reading this series and I do not want to knock it. Also I really like this author, her work is amazing, so there.

I am at the point though where I am seriously considering giving up. On that book. Time to move forward.

I am having one of my meandering conversations with myself. Hope you don’t mind and are enjoying the ride.

Compliments have been reigning down on me all over the place. I have been in the best place in the last little while. Me, mentally, doing fabulously. I am pumped about this. So I have been smiling and laughing a lot. Customers have told me they look to come through my line when I am in a till. Lately that has not been often. One of my staff told me she thought that things would fall apart if I was not as organized as I am. I know everything. Gosh she just makes my heart hurt she is so sweet. And not once but twice I was told that I in no way look my age.

T was here last week. His room still a disaster that I had been trying to get him to clean since July. I was and will not do it. He is 9. That is more than old enough that he can keep his own room clean. All week I let it slide. He was doing the basics so I was taking that as a win. Little did I know that we were headed for an epic battle.

Saturday rolled around and it all started out okay. T and me were getting along. Laughing and talking. He went out to play with his friends. No problem. Than he came inside with his friend and the attitude started. I asked him to clean up his room. That I was tired of the way that it looked and if he didn’t I was going to take a garbage bag and go in there and clean house.

Words were exchanged. T became snarkier and snarkier and my anger was reaching roiling point. When his friend’s mom got home, I sent him out and T tried to leave as well. I said no it was time to clean his room, that there were consequences to his actions and these were them in play. I only have one child. There was no practice kid for me so I am winging it as I go along. And I get frustrated really easily and annoyed. A lot of this is my own fault because I am the one raising him. Some of it is just him being a boy who can be a bit of a twit at times.

T tried to leave and I stood in front of him asking okay yelling at him to go back into his room. We ended up in a grappling match with myself pushing him back into his room so that I could close his door. He was pushing back staring up at me when suddenly he screamed at me:

‘Get the f*** off me! Get the f*** off me!’

I stared at him, my brain reeling from the fact that my 9 year old had just dropped the f bomb on me. Not once but twice. I stepped back and looked at him and he screamed angrily ‘Why are you like this?’

My response was ‘Why are you like this? I told you there were consequences to your actions T.’

I walked out of his room and closed the door.  I was shaking. I shot a text off to the ex which in hindsight I should not have done. I paced the living room a little bit, deep breathing as I went, calming myself. T was pitching things at his door, I was ignoring him. I looked over and realized that his door was open and walked over to close it. T was sitting on the floor putting things away. I asked him what he was doing because I could really not fathom what I was seeing. His snide reply was I am cleaning my room. Okay not gonna fight and I walked away.

He came out to the living room and I again asked what he was doing. He snapped I am going to the storage room what do you think I am doing. Ahhhhhh he is getting the vacuum out. A little annoyed at the tone but I will not respond. Let him go about his business. I washed the dishes and he came to me and asked if he could go outside. His room was cleaned.

I looked down well almost down at him and asked him if he thought he should really be allowed to go outside. He stared down at his feet and whispered that he was sorry. I asked for what? He whispered for dropping the f bomb on you.

I asked T if he thought that he was really old enough to be using the f word with me? He shook his head dejectedly and said no. We talked a little more and I checked his room. Made him vacuum a little more and said he could play outside for a little while.

That evening he swept the kitchen floor without my asking and fed the cats. We talked a little more and off he went to bed.

The next day we discussed the limits that were going to be imposed re computer time. That there was going to be more play time than watching youtube time. And that was when I realized that if I want him to spend more time at play, than I could not be zoned out in front of the television. Which lead to my challenge this week to not watch any t.v.

Wow, I totally just brought the whole thing home without even meaning to. Have no idea how so I am going to end it right here folks. I cannot get a better close. And I will glory in it for a few because never again will I be able to bring everything into a nice neat package.

As an aside, when the ex showed up to pick up T, he was told he would have to wait a minute while T cleaned the lego up off the floor in his room. He needed to keep it clean. Parenting win to add to my weekly tally. 🙂

 

Take Care (Please)

Take care when you break my heart
shelter it with kindness
rip it apart in one fell swoop
so the pain can abate.
Ignore the tears streaming from my eyes
the tremble of my lip
embrace me once
and turn to go
for I cannot take this.
Where once I smiled and played
now I force myself
to walk each day
as though there was reason
as though there was hope.
Take care when you break my heart
for I know no way forward
from the dance,
from the kiss.
With each passing day
my life will heal
my tears will cease to fall
but still there will be a hole
where your tenderness is missing.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Oct. 24/17

Sleep Eternal

I want to sleep the sleep of the dead and
broken-hearted.
No dreams, no thoughts
no fantasies spun in gold.
I will not listen to the Bard’s tale
of love everlasting,
that is the making of
fairy tales.
Of Kings and Queens,
Princes and Paupers,
Princesses lost and found.
Of castles spun in the clouds
with dances that last all night long.
I want none of that.
What I want only Thanatos can provide.
A deeper sleep than the one
wrought by Morpheous.
Dreamless.
Lifeless.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Oct. 23/17

Final Good-bye

Every love song suddenly resonates

filling me with joy.

Every song of loss and despair 

fills me with melancholy.

I sit beneath the fat summer moon

watching the waves ebb and flow.

The stars above a glittering heaven,

and I no longer have any doubt.

My heart is no longer mine to control,

it has leapt from my chest to your hands.

Can you feel the hesitant beating?

Can you feel how fragile it is?

Juggle not with the heart that you hold

for it is the only one I have.

Too many times I have given out my trust

only to have it turn to ashes at my feet.

And when the time comes that you leave.

And you will leave.

They always do.

Promise me this:

Be kind to that heart that you hold.

Thrust deep and hard,

looking into my eyes,

when we say our final good-bye.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 22/17