Flawless

I like to believe that I have no flaws
that I can get through my day without tripping
without stealing away
to drug my thoughts, my pain.
I suck them back with greed
they calm the beast within
and I cannot tell
I cannot send him running
I do not have the strength.
7,10 at a time
anything to obliviate
this heart of mine.
I feel too much
I love too hard
I try to make it all right
for everyone
but myself.
This pain that I fight
I have no idea where it comes from
I only know that this is not the right way
as I flush the pills
once again.
I need help,
I need assistance,
I am not as strong as I make myself out to be.
I hold my hand out
a silent plea.
Do not judge my sins,
hold me and aide me,
for it killed me to admit this.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 3/17

Depression 1

***Pic via Pintrest***

Am not sure why but I feel as though I need to share this. I am in a really good place right now with my medication and having stopped drinking. I use my blue light daily which helps as well as taking my vitamin D. This was the start of my ‘crash’ as I call it in 2014. It is the one and only time that my depression sunk its claws so deeply into me that I needed time off to confront my demons. And confront them I did. This began a journey that ended up with where I am today and the road still unfurls before me.

Jay-lyn December 3/17

Silence spins out like a golden thread,
spider silk.
Distance no longer about space but emotion,
fears and desire combine to hold your hopes together…..
and you watch, and you wait to see if it will crumble.
Living at the seaside in a house made of sand,
a moat keeping the tide from attacking at the banks,
eating away.
Water creeps closer and closer and still you wait….
hoping that dreams can still come true?
Atop the tower, watching the beast ravage the man
a forest of wickedness and lies,
black truths.
Protect and keep your faith nigh….
what the hell is going on?
Waking every morning,
a scream upon your face.
Smitten with the devil who tortures you all night.
How did you get here?
Do you really care….
so long as the peace has been written.
July 23/14