Where oh Where?

Tonight was our Christmas staff party. I got dressed up. Turns out I clean up pretty well.  The party was amazing. Everyone who is part of the social club are eligible to come with a plus one. Dinner is free and everyone leaves with a gift. This is a time for everyone to get together without the social confines of labels, we are a group of people meeting and having a meal together, laughing and seeing one another outside of the business that we are in. A chance to see others in a personal setting, non-work related. You often learn some interesting things.

I wrote a poem about our boss. I am a fast walker. Like fast. No one can out run me except for our boss. The following is the poem that I wrote and presented tonight:

Where oh Where?

where oh where could our boss be?

is he here?

is he there?

Damn it he could be anywhere.

First down in grocery

than off to File

Check in on the Front

Dash by bakery

onto meats

ah shit I’ve  missed him again.

moving with lightening speed

it is so hard to keep up

searching the aisles one by one

we’ve turned it into a game

that absolutely no one has won.

Now, let us examine me. I am gregarious, I am forthcoming, I talk to people for 40 hours a week, as part of my career. Put me in front of a group of people and well I freeze. My anxiety ramps right up. I was at Auntie K’s when it first started. I could feel my heart racing. I was jittery. At the party, I kept bouncing my toes off of Auntie K’s, thank goodness that she likes to play footsie. And as it was the Christmas party I had a wine to help me. Yes, I know that it is wrong, I used alcohol to give me courage, but I did not over do it.

My boss was concerned for me. He asked me several times tonight if I had in fact stopped drinking. I informed him that I had, but it was also a special occassion so I had had a glass or two. Also as I was winging my way through my speech I admitted that when one is asked to present the boss with the Christmas present that usually they have super nice things to say. But that type of stuff makes me uncomfortable. At the end of it, he told me I had done a good job. He also asked me to forward the poem to him. I was beaming .

And than the gifts began to be dispersed. I really wanted the Amazon Gift Card. I won the Large Hurricane Candle holders. Nice but not sure where I am going to put them.

 

 I suppose despite the fact I laid myself open in front of so many of my co-workers by reading a poem I had written, it was well recieved. And they laughed where they were suppose to laugh.

Gotta admit I am kinda proud of myself right now.

A Year in Review Part I

Yesterday was December 9th. A year ago I quit smoking. At the time I was deep in the grips of a depressive episode that I would not seek medical attention for until February 2017. I was still drinking heavily and my body was trying to get my attention in so many ways, to alert me to the fact that there was something very very wrong with me. I was sluggish. Unhappy. Smoking like a chimney. T was unhappy. My work was suffering. I was getting cold after cold. My body screaming for me to realize what was going on. My brain though, so adept at pretending that I am not depressed, continued to delude me that all was fine. I would just consume more alcohol. I would watch television all the time. My home was not as clean as it is now. I was not cleaning the cat litter daily.

I had fallen on the Tuesday evening. Ended up giving myself whip lash. On Thursday I was in so much pain that I went to the Quick Care Clinic. Learned that I was going to have to take a few days to let it heal so I could do my job. And than they took my blood pressure. 160/95. My heart stopped beating for a second as I went omfg what is going on? And than and there I decided that as soon as I finished my last pack that that was it, I was quitting. Did I maybe drag it out a little? Yes. But I smoked my last cigarette on the eve of December 8th and woke up on December 9th a nonsmoker. I used the patch. For two weeks. The two weeks running up to Christmas.

I was still drinking. But I did not light a cigarette. I may have been a little snappish. I cried when I was at home alone, a lot. Day by day I went, and I worked and I moved away from the lure of nicoteine. After Christmas, I worked a few days and had a seven day break. During this time, I did not wear my patch as I did not go anywhere. T and me we hung out and really did nothing much. And the first day back to work, I forgot to put my patch on. I worried that I was going to have the urge but I did not. I think the realization that I was heading directly for a stroke, which are prevelant in my family, made me sit up and take notice.

Plus there is T. I want to be here to see him become a young man. I want to see his dreams come true. I want to see him fall in love and have a life he loves. Would I like grandchildren I am sure I will but at the moment I want to enjoy this time with him.

When I was 14 years old, I went through a bout of depression that lead to me trying to hurt myself. Turns out that there are two things that kept me alive at that time. 1) I have a really wicked imagination. And all I could see in my mind’s eye was my mom and my brother standing over my grave while my coffin was lowered into it, crying and asking each other why. My brother was 7 years old and like hell was I going to traumatize him like that. I was suppose to protect him from pain and not cause it. And my mom did not deserve that heartache no matter how mad I was with her. How I thought that she could not understand me. 2) I am the world’s biggest wimp, omfg! It hurt, it hurt more than the pain and rage inside of me. And I did not even cut myself that deeply.

Flash forward, here I am, 44 years old, 30 years later and I had a choice to make. And I chose to quit smoking. I chose my love for T and my desire to be here for as long as I can.

During this time period K3 began to harrangue me about writing. That I needed to start a blog and how awesome it was. I hemmed and hawed about it before I decided to check it out.

I began writing about myself and T. As I began to come out of my depression, I wrote about that and my anxiety. I relearned how to be happy. The worst of it, was how much it hurt to realize that it had been so long since I had been happy that I was actually a little frightened of it. I began to write and share my poetry. And it has been wonderful.

I entitled this A Year in Review but this is only the first part. I am thankful for the journey that began a year ago, a journey that I look forward to with a joy and eagerness that sometimes catches me by surprise. I need to put it into perspective for myself before sharing.

Most of all, I am thankful for all of you who have decided you like my quirks and writings,  I appreciate all of you. And I hope you enjoy this journey along with me as much as I am.