A Year in Review Part I

Yesterday was December 9th. A year ago I quit smoking. At the time I was deep in the grips of a depressive episode that I would not seek medical attention for until February 2017. I was still drinking heavily and my body was trying to get my attention in so many ways, to alert me to the fact that there was something very very wrong with me. I was sluggish. Unhappy. Smoking like a chimney. T was unhappy. My work was suffering. I was getting cold after cold. My body screaming for me to realize what was going on. My brain though, so adept at pretending that I am not depressed, continued to delude me that all was fine. I would just consume more alcohol. I would watch television all the time. My home was not as clean as it is now. I was not cleaning the cat litter daily.
I had fallen on the Tuesday evening. Ended up giving myself whip lash. On Thursday I was in so much pain that I went to the Quick Care Clinic. Learned that I was going to have to take a few days to let it heal so I could do my job. And than they took my blood pressure. 160/95. My heart stopped beating for a second as I went omfg what is going on? And than and there I decided that as soon as I finished my last pack that that was it, I was quitting. Did I maybe drag it out a little? Yes. But I smoked my last cigarette on the eve of December 8th and woke up on December 9th a nonsmoker. I used the patch. For two weeks. The two weeks running up to Christmas.
I was still drinking. But I did not light a cigarette. I may have been a little snappish. I cried when I was at home alone, a lot. Day by day I went, and I worked and I moved away from the lure of nicoteine. After Christmas, I worked a few days and had a seven day break. During this time, I did not wear my patch as I did not go anywhere. T and me we hung out and really did nothing much. And the first day back to work, I forgot to put my patch on. I worried that I was going to have the urge but I did not. I think the realization that I was heading directly for a stroke, which are prevelant in my family, made me sit up and take notice.
Plus there is T. I want to be here to see him become a young man. I want to see his dreams come true. I want to see him fall in love and have a life he loves. Would I like grandchildren I am sure I will but at the moment I want to enjoy this time with him.
When I was 14 years old, I went through a bout of depression that lead to me trying to hurt myself. Turns out that there are two things that kept me alive at that time. 1) I have a really wicked imagination. And all I could see in my mind’s eye was my mom and my brother standing over my grave while my coffin was lowered into it, crying and asking each other why. My brother was 7 years old and like hell was I going to traumatize him like that. I was suppose to protect him from pain and not cause it. And my mom did not deserve that heartache no matter how mad I was with her. How I thought that she could not understand me. 2) I am the world’s biggest wimp, omfg! It hurt, it hurt more than the pain and rage inside of me. And I did not even cut myself that deeply.
Flash forward, here I am, 44 years old, 30 years later and I had a choice to make. And I chose to quit smoking. I chose my love for T and my desire to be here for as long as I can.
During this time period K3 began to harrangue me about writing. That I needed to start a blog and how awesome it was. I hemmed and hawed about it before I decided to check it out.
I began writing about myself and T. As I began to come out of my depression, I wrote about that and my anxiety. I relearned how to be happy. The worst of it, was how much it hurt to realize that it had been so long since I had been happy that I was actually a little frightened of it. I began to write and share my poetry. And it has been wonderful.
I entitled this A Year in Review but this is only the first part. I am thankful for the journey that began a year ago, a journey that I look forward to with a joy and eagerness that sometimes catches me by surprise. I need to put it into perspective for myself before sharing.
Most of all, I am thankful for all of you who have decided you like my quirks and writings,  I appreciate all of you. And I hope you enjoy this journey along with me as much as I am.
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Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

I am a single hard working mom in her 40's. I have always written poetry and I love words. I live with depression and its ups downs. This is a space where I can create and write all that I need to.

2 thoughts on “A Year in Review Part I”

  1. A powerful description of the struggle you went through as it began. I am sure others will find it helpful. I am so proud of you and happy to see you continuing your journey. Keep growing and sharing. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

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