Waiting

Something is just not right.

I know this because I sat here yesterday after cleaning my house, listening to country songs about great loves and happy endings. And I sobbed.

This morning, I ripped right into T as soon as he got up. Unleashed the tongue of death and completely ruined both of our days. He is in the bathroom crying and showering and I am drinking my coffee and crying.

I feel like a fraud. I am angry. I feel under-appreciated. I feel like I am the most selfish woman on the face of the planet to be bemoaning my petty little issues while people are facing larger ones on a daily basis. I just want all these feelings to stop. My heart hurts, my body hurts, everything hurts and I do not know what I have done to bring this on.

Because yes, I am falling down that rabbit hole again. And while at this point and time I seem to realize and know, I am unable to stop it.

Is it because it is Christmas? A time of good cheer and joy? A time where people blame me because we ran out of brussel sprouts, or the turkey just is not the right size. I will be worn down, facing the hoards with a smile on my face and joie de vie in my voice. When I get home, I will be numb, unable to talk to anyone, alone in my head.

All I really want to do is curl up in a little ball and hide. Maybe sleep a little longer. I cannot as I will not give into these feelings, but oh my god do I want to.

I bounce from one level to the next. Happy. Sad. Giddy with excitement for Christmas. Cringing because I have to face the hoards. There is no constant. Oh and the anger that hits me out of nowhere like a bolt of lightning. I have been here so many times and I know that a critical factor in this is the amount of pressure that I am putting on myself.

Pressure to:

  1. Be a good mom
  2. Be a good boss
  3. Be a good employee
  4. Be happy
  5. Be perfect
  6. Do everything by the book
  7. Follow all the rules
  8. Smile
  9. Have a kind word for everyone
  10. Smile more
  11. Pay the bills
  12. Provide
  13. Be a good friend

Those are not in order. Except for the be a good mom. That is always at the top of my list and that there, is the one I fail at all the time. I want to be a great mom, one that T is going to hold up as his example to being a parent. But I will fall into the other category I am sure, how not to be like mom.

I also realize deep deep down, that when I come out of this, I will not feel this way. But today, right now I do. As we both cry, and I hold him close and apologize, I know that this is not the real me. That this shrew is a mish mash of shit that I am carting around. That my depression is making one hell of a play for my mind, and I will eventually climb my way free.

But today is going to be a shit day. A hard day. I would rather stay home and stew. Cry. Maybe stand under the shower and scream. Instead, I will stand up straight, paint a smile on my face, and I will pretend.

Pretend to be a good mom, boss, employee, human being. I will hide my tears and speak only of good things, sugar plums and dancing fairies.

And I will wait.