Not To Be

****Written and posted last year on FB showed up on my memories. Hard to realize that I was in the midst of my depression at that time and could not see it.***

I work really hard not to be that woman
that friend,
that family member,
that person…..
the one everyone speaks about in whispered tones;
the one who seems to be so needy.

Did I tell you about my shitty week?
No.
I held it in as I listened to your day,
as I held your hand when you cried with fear.
I smiled and nodded
and swore it would be alright;
never once letting you see my pain.

I cried myself to sleep again….
I am strong.
I am independent.
I can take care of myself.
But there are times…not many, but some
where I am the one who needs to be held.

I smile coyly,
my tone so snide
driving you away so that burning tide…
I can ignore it…
I can pretend…

That like always I am okay…

Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 23/16