Cyclical

I cannot believe how idiotic I am.

As I am driving to the doctor’s office I realize my depression feeds my addiction which in turn fuels my depression.

I am sitting here a lot stunned. Maybe for everyone else it seems really simple however it is an epiphany for me. I need more help than I am able to provide for myself.

Admittedly my anxiety at the moment is through the charts. I took my blood pressure before coming and it was 116/83. As I sit here I can feel my heart racing. My hands are shaking.

I have only ever asked for help with my depression three times. The first time was when I received an actual diagnosis and was put onto medication. Second time was three and a half years ago. And now today.

In my mind though I keep thinking what if no one believes me? What if my claim is denied? What if they do not believe this is serious enough to warrant my taking time off?

I am not suppose to do this. I have had several people tell me to take one step at a time. This is another symptom: I have to control or have answers for everything. For myself, my mind is so chaotic that I need something to focus on that I have control over.

I need help. There is no waffling. No trying to downplay this situation. And I have to believe that I will get it.

Within

Caught within Winter’s fevered embrace,

a desire to be numbed,

to feel no pain.

Marching forward,

tears frozen to my cheeks

eyes blinded to the warmth

as I traverse the plains of snow.

Within,

I chain my beating heart

desperate to rip free

the sorrow and anguish

that this rage and torment fuel.

Locked in my mind

looping over and over

are tapes of my youth

the silent jeers and taunts

that I have swallowed,

ignored,

ingested,

made into a part of me.

Within Winter’s frozen embrace

I find my madness so clean

so easy to comprehend.

For within Winter’s dying embrace

I give up my denial,

my fight,

and I allow the sun to penetrate.

Jay-lyn Doerksen

December 27/17