Cyclical

I cannot believe how idiotic I am.

As I am driving to the doctor’s office I realize my depression feeds my addiction which in turn fuels my depression.

I am sitting here a lot stunned. Maybe for everyone else it seems really simple however it is an epiphany for me. I need more help than I am able to provide for myself.

Admittedly my anxiety at the moment is through the charts. I took my blood pressure before coming and it was 116/83. As I sit here I can feel my heart racing. My hands are shaking.

I have only ever asked for help with my depression three times. The first time was when I received an actual diagnosis and was put onto medication. Second time was three and a half years ago. And now today.

In my mind though I keep thinking what if no one believes me? What if my claim is denied? What if they do not believe this is serious enough to warrant my taking time off?

I am not suppose to do this. I have had several people tell me to take one step at a time. This is another symptom: I have to control or have answers for everything. For myself, my mind is so chaotic that I need something to focus on that I have control over.

I need help. There is no waffling. No trying to downplay this situation. And I have to believe that I will get it.