Thank You

A year ago today I began this blog, this journey that I have been on through my writing, my life.

I began this blog to get back into the rhyme of writing. I closed the door on my writing a really long time ago. Twenty years give or take. I thought, oh I will write about my life as a mom, T, some poetry. Figured that if I could get my family and friends to like it and follow me, well hey than that was okay.

It took a little doing, writing at least once or twice a week. I never planned it out, just wrote whatever came to mind. And than the poetry flowed a little although I was hesitant to share. Than I began a slip into depression and I began to write about that.

I should mention that during this time mom was following me. K3 and omg real live people. That is right, there were people out there that I did not know (thus were not obligated to tell me that what I wrote was good/decent/okay), who would read and like my writings. And I began to feel proud of what I was doing with my writing.

Using this blog to be able to get out my depression, my anger, my fear and my pain has been a life saver. I rode that depressive blip as I am calling my spring fall from grace, out with the use of this blog. I found it freeing to write it all down, share it and it calmed my spirit, my soul.

I began to write more and more. Suddenly it was becoming a daily thing. There was an outpouring of creativity. And if I were to go throughout the day without writing, whether it was an idea, the beginning of a blog, a poem, there was something wrong.

I am about to embark on another journey. One that includes addiction, depression, anxiety, self-worth issues, delusions for the need of perfection and why. And I will write about it, because for me, my words, that is part of my healing. Part of making sense of myself for myself.

What I really started out to say, was I want to thank all of you who have dropped by, read my stories and liked them. I know some of what I write may not be everyone’s cup of tea and that is okay, but I appreciate each and everyone of you who has come along on this ride and decided that they didn’t mind how I drove the Crazy Bus.  🙂

Blurred Chaos

The blurred chaos surrounds me

enveloping

enshrouding

sucking everything in

wrecking havoc on my senses.

I want to dig my fingers into my skull

and pull from within

this mass of pink ooze,

that with mere electrical impulses

and levels of seretonin

can reduce me

to this mess.

I want to tear my heart from my chest

yes I realize

not even a realistic portrait

but it is a symbol

of love and loss

pain and sorrow.

I need to be free of the malestrom of emotions

swirling so palpably

a cyclone of my own making.

I want to no longer fear

to no longer deny

I want to be free

I want to be happy.

Jay-lyn Doerksen

December 27/17