I spoke my truth
while you hid behind lies
tormenting and making me doubt
that I was right.
How could you harm
one you were suppose to protect?
How could you destroy
the woman that I was meant to be?
I have spent years in denial
no, not denial
repression and as my brain awakens
the horror flows through
as once more you destroy my life.
But I am stronger than you
I am better than you
I will no longer succumb to you
and your terror.
I stand on a mountain top
breathing in crystal clear air
this is my mecca 
this is my starting point
this is where my real life begins.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 31/18

Shorthand Speak

Today is a bit rough for me so I thought that I would share the humor that T and me shared this morning. (He is spending nights with me while his dad is at work.)

I have a very bad habit of shorthand speaking. I believe I have talked about it before. I only speak half the sentence and fully expect that the person knows what I am talking about.

The following is the conversation we had:

Me: Okay T time to turn it off. We have to get ready to go. (Driving to school)

T: Okay mom.

I turn around and he has turned the Xbox off and is about to turn the t.v. off.

Me: What are you doing?

T: Turning it off like you said. What are you doing turning it on?

Me: I leave the t.v. on so that I have background noise all day.

T: But you told me to turn it off.

Me: Yeah, I meant for you to turn off Youtube so I could put Amazon on.

T: Well I did not understand that!

Shorthand speak strikes again.


opaque shadows
skitting across my consciousness,
a scene caught from the corner of my mind.
Wondering if what I see,
what I remember
is the truth?
The fear,
the constant refusal of my mind
to acknowledge what I cannot find,
memories of a time long past.
Black holes exist
and the memories I do carry
are stories repeated
until they have become a steady verse.
Over the edge of the abyss I peer
seeking comfort
seeking the bottom where one cannot exist
holding onto the hope
that things can become
steady and true
and no longer will I have to fear
the ghosts that haunt me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
 January 29/18

Pay the Piper

dark and all consuming
roils up from the ground
chaining me,
staking me in place.
Unable to move forward
not because
I am lame
but because
I do not know how.
For so long
the stresses
the emotions
have been blunted
and ignored.
Now it is time to pay the piper
and I am so afraid.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 28/18

No Melody

***The picture is from FB by Treeowl
The song has stopped
the melody no longer found
as I stand here
hands raised to the morning sun.
Web wrapped
gossemere strands clutching
pulling and plucking
as I struggle to break free.
Into the darkness I have gone
to face all my demons
to finally put them to rest
so that I can be free.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 27/18

The Road to Wellness

I have not written since writing the poem Tears. The inspiration seems to have fled. My last two days have been interesting.
Yesterday I finally reached the woman who is handling my short term claim. We talked, rather she asked questions and I cried as I answered. When we were done she told me that she was approving my claim. When we got off the phone I sobbed with relief. Finally I could stop worrying about whether or not I was going to have money coming in and start to focus solely on myself. I checked my account over and over again and than decided that T and me were going to go to Walmart when I picked him up, that surely by than the money would be in the bank. (It arrived this morning.)
Picked T up from school and off we went to Walmart. Needed a few extra things but did have that $50.00 gift card I could put towards the purchase. T was the cart pusher and he did everything he could to ‘bug’ me. He is determined that the more he acts like a fool, that I am going to agree to let him stay home while I go shopping. So I let him in on a little secret, the longer he acted this way the longer that he would have to come shopping with me. He needed to learn how to act in public. We had fun. Little scuffle over a mini Axe that T wanted to buy, he has 4 of them at home, full sized though. Felt that my buying cat litter was not fair how come they got a treat and he didn’t? Not sure how he figures this is a treat for the cats but I went with it.
On our way home from Walmart T suddenly says to me, ‘Mom you have a big booger hanging from your nose!’ I start swiping at my nose, picking at it and I look over at T, ‘is it gone?’ As I am asking this I am leaning over to look in the rearview mirror. T by this time is chortling away like he has seen the funniest thing ever. ‘Hey mom?’ ‘Yes?’ ‘There never was a booger.’ and once more he is going off into peals of laughter. This lead to me telling him I was going to punch him. My punch consisted of my finger pushing at him. We had to stop because I was weaving over the road.
We had a good evening last night. I had salad and T had pizza pops. Yes once more I did not have the oomph to make us a dinner. Today is different as I am making the effort to cook. Also the fish in the fridge needs to be cooked today. Have to figure out what to make for (hey look the sun is coming out, bathing the living room in golden light how awesome) veggies for T as he will not eat my salad.
Today I was having a mild anxiety attack as I was thinking that I was going to have to re-call the woman about my claim when I checked my bank balance after 7 there is was. Paid my whole 2 bills and took a deep breath and released it, feeling that weight lift off my shoulders. T asked if he could go to school at noon and I laughed at him. He unpacked the lunch bag he should have unpacked last evening and than went to get himself ready for school. Alright so I pack up the lunch put it in his bag, touch up my coffee and sit back down. T is still in the bathroom. I asked him what he was doing. He said I am getting ready as though I was not right in the head. My response was still, for by this time his has been in the bathroom for 12 whole minutes. This from a child who showers in under 2 minutes. Well he was putting on his deoderant, fixing his hair, brushing his teeth and the whole nine yards.
We bundled out to the car and on the way to school I told him that this evening we were going to have a crib game. We are also going to build our house in Minecraft when we got home after school. Tonight is also shower night although T will convince me to let him take it at 6 when he gets up tomorrow. And maybe I will have T wash the dishes. Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha he is going to be so impressed with me.
I pulled up to drop him off and he leaned over for his kiss. We both said our I love you’s and he opened the door. Than I said as I always do, have a great day at school buddy, I love you.  Love you too mom. He closes the door and starts to walk away but stops and turns and we blow one another kisses. We do this every morning when I drop him at school. It has become a ritual for us. We have also started a good night ritual. Pretty much the same thing, good night, love you, sweet dreams and than last night I tacked on a blown kiss. Told him was flying around the door and did he catch it? He did and than I heard him blow me one and tapped my cheek. T asked if I got it. I said yes.
I had a small blip this afternoon as I was getting dishes done and wiping down the counter. A wave of sadness washed over me and I hiccuped a couple of sobs. I grit my teeth and continued to wipe down the counter. As I washed the dishes, I concentrated on what my next step was. So I decided that I was going to walk to the post box. And than check my lottery ticket to see if I had won. I had not so I must try again. I bundled up grabbed my phone (it has been chiding me as my steps have fallen off since being at home) and off I went.
The air is brisk. A little too damp for me to walk and pick up Tember as it is a wet chill. I actually had mail, both about my RRSP’s. Nice because the work one has finally caught up with me and I can now call and talk about investing it. Grabbed a couple of cans of Pepsi (surprise T) and the lotto tickets. A girl can always dream.
I am off now to pick T up from school. Writing this has increased the feeling of wellness. I am proud that I did not give into the sadness this afternoon. It is not always going to be that way. Some days the sadness will be stronger than I am, but that is the nature of my depression. Each day is another day learning how to live with and cope with myself and my stresses.  Each step forward is a step along the road to wellness.