Letting Go

I have been having a lot of difficulty over the last couple of days with writing. I have written nothing more than texts. No poetry. No thoughts/revelations, a few points reiterated over and over again. I saw my doctor on Friday and we have a plan in place to get me the help that I need. I require a referal for a Mental Health Worker and that is going to take some time, so I am starting short term counselling on January 29th until I can get an appointment. The cousellor that I am seeing I have seen before so at the very least I am not going to have to give him too much background information. I go back to see my Doctor on February 2nd to see how I am doing.
Right now, every time that I think about work, I get anxious. My heart starts to race, I get all sweaty. I feel like I cannot swallow. I was suppose to go in yesterday however M brought me some groceries for T which gave me an excuse not to go in. Okay, so now switch it to I am going to call. Still anxious, when my phone chimes. I look down and it is my boss texting to ask how I am doing. I told him some days are good and some days not so good, but I will get there. Explained the plan that the doctor and me have come up with. Also mentioned that I still have heard nothing from insurance so he said that he would email them again for me. I appreciate that he is being supportive, however I know he and I are going to have a talk when I get back to work. That may be causing part of my anxiety. The other part is that I am unable to be around people and fake happiness. I am so tired of doing that.
I was writing a short note to my aunt and uncle to let them know how I am doing. As I was typing away I suddenly had another revelation. And this is one that kinda hurts.
Every revelation/thought that I have had, points back to my mom. And everything that I write seems to blame her for how I am. And that is so not true. So I believe that I have not been able to write because I do not want to hurt mom. Yet as I was explaining this to my aunt I realized that of course mom is going to have a bearing on how I grew up. She was my only caregiver. My behaviour will mirror hers. I told mom the other day that I feel like I am a cliche. Everything that I have realized all has to do with my past. Anger issues, denial, never speaking about my problems.
My god I just realized, I have had so much therapy and not once have I brushed on the reasons why I am the way I am. When I was 14 and angry all the time, most of which now I can see had to do with what was going on with my dad, I still wanted his approval. I stayed with him and his girlfriend for a short while, I am only just recalling this. Mom, me and him all went to therapy together and I do not think that anything was resolved. Between 16 and 17 I saw a psychologist. I still had unresolved anger issues that I needed to face. Well again, there was no touching on what my real problem was. And I learned to control my temper. So well that it was not until 2015 that I finally lost my temper and unleashed my anger.
I have had a Mental Health Worker before, counselling as mentioned about and I have seen a psychiatrist. With each one, there have been interesting aspects of me revealed. I have been diagnosed with so many varieties of mental illness that truthfully the only one that I am confident of is that I live with depression.
With these upcoming sessions I have a threefold plan:
Learn how to deal with my extreme emotions without self-medicating. So when I become overwhelmed that I have tools to help me to cope.
Finally deal with my past issues. I want to remember things other than what my mom and bro have told me. I know that I have great memories because I have had great people in my life for the most part.
Let go of the anger and hatred that I feel for my dad. I have been giving him way too much space in my head for too long, even if I am not actively thinking about him.
There are going to be a lot of tears. A lot of anger.  Hard days and good days. I am going to get there.
Captain Q

Poems From The Pirate In My Soul

Big Adventures Little Car

Get outside! Big adventures await!


Navigating Through Hardships Together



Books & Poems Coffee & Teas

poems,coffee,teas,stories,,beautiful images

Sunrise Today...

Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the East

The Norty Borderline

Living With BPD

Top Interest

Anything Fun Is What I Aim For.

Bridgette Tales

Everybody has a story. Here's a little of mine.

Ominous The Spirit

Learn more about an artist that makes music, paints, and creates photography.


memories and musings

The Hermit Poet's Ramblings

Poetry BLOG By Edge of Humanity Magazine

Scribbles 'n Bits

Original poetry, short stories, and other bits


Nature Photography & Fine Art, card & print making


poetry and prose


This blog is a part of my inner world. Be careful to walk inside it.


Come for the laughs, stay for the lunacy


Γιάννης Πιταροκοίλης: Παρουσίαση του συγγραφικού μου έργου (My personal writing/Mes œuvres littéraires

%d bloggers like this: