Last week when T came to pick up his boots (he was at his dad’s and knows better than we do about dressing for winter) I reminded him that I would be picking him up from school on Monday. He looked at me in shock and asked me why I was not working. I reminded him that I am going to be off for a few weeks had he forgotten? T looked at me and said oh mom, I thought it was just last week.
This week I am making more of an effort to be dressed for T. Working to make us dinners even if last night we only had Mac & Cheese. I feel triumphant if I wash the dishes and do not leave them piled on the counter. Making my bed is another important milestone each day. I may not make it the second that I roll out of bed, but it does get made.
T and me have been doing a little talking. He is aware that I have depression and am having a rough time of it right now. Monday and yesterday he asked me how my day was and what had I done. I still have to tidy his room but every time that I look in there I become overwhelmed. I do not need to tackle everything in one fell swoop.
The worst for me right now is my mind. It really is my worst enemy. Constantly on the go. Constantly picking at me and the things that I am doing. Reminding me that I am not ‘really’ ill, which than leads me to feel intense guilt that I am sitting at home and not at work. Regardless that I still cry at least once a day. Afternoons seem to be the worst time for me, and the nasty voice picking away. So I work not to think in the afternoons. I am not quite strong enough to do that. The thinking part I mean.
I tried to explain to T that I think too much. That my brain is a never-ending stream of ideas and voices and words. That it rarely stops unless I am asleep. I use magnesium to help me fall asleep and stay asleep so I am able to sleep. If I did not use the magnesium, I would be up late if I was able to sleep at all. Insomnia is one of the lovely side effects I have. Last time I wanted to sleep all the time and now I do not want to sleep at all. I use to be able to take naps in the afternoon, not any longer. The only time I can sleep is at night.
Back to T though. Twice now he has said the following statement to me when I suddenly become pensive and quiet. Usually as I am driving him to school because now, I have an entire day that is going to be filled with silence and thoughts. And a nagging voice making me anxious and struggling. He will look at me and say ‘Mom, don’t think so much.’ And I look at him and smile, my heart filled with love for the boy that sits next to me, determined to make my day better.
I do not want to be left alone with my thoughts.