Of late I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well what else am I suppose to do with all this time off? I spent the majority of last week not actively thinking about anything because the week before had been exhausting in all the connections I was making about my past and my depression. How, while I have dealt with the surface issues, I have never really found the root cause of my depression/self-harming/addictive behaviour.
Yesterday I was talking with V, one of my greatest friends. She checks in with me on a daily basis. I have known her for something like 10/11 years. We worked together in the same department until I transfered to the front. I tell her a lot. Well maybe not some stuff, like how when I fall down in the cesspool of depression that I am afraid to reach out because who the hell cares? Yeah, yeah I know, but that is how I feel.
We were or rather I was telling her that I need to go back and read the beginning of 2017’s blogs and poetry. I am fairly positive if I look back, that it began than if not the summer of 2016. However there is no strong indication of that and I do not have a written timeline for than. I do for 2017. That while I went back onto my meds, I continued to stuff whatever was causing me to fall, back down into the ‘If I don’t acknowledge it it is not real’ part of myself.
Throughout the year I was doing really well, or so I thought. Looking back with perfect vision I can see that that is not so. There are times where I pulled myself up and said this is just a mood, pms, the cat threw up type of day. I did not acknowledge that I was falling apart. Instead, I began to consume the pills while cutting back on the alcohol. Cut off one addiction and begin the pills to help numb me. What a wonderful way of coping I have/had.
V after I told her this, said to me, Jay, it took a year or more to build, you cannot expect that it is going to be fixed in a couple of weeks. And she is right. The medication that I am on is doing its job in leveling out my brain chemicals so that I am ok. What it is not doing is getting to the root cause. It is not helping me not to cry on a daily basis. It does not help with the guilt that I feel because some days are great and well, why can I not work, until I begin to cry.
I am working hard to not feel guilty. That having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. No one is going to mark a capital D on my forehead to mark me out. However mental illness still carries a stigma. Many people cannot understand how it is not a matter of changing my thought process or doing things that I enjoy, and because they don’t understand, nor do they chose to educate themselves, they will say things like ‘oh I made you smile you must feel better’ or ‘I am sure that your problems are not that bad’ or ‘What is your game plan?’
I look fine on the outside. There are no scars, no visible incisions, no bandaids to pinpoint where my boo boo is. Inside is a different story. As I said the medication is working to level out my brain chemistry, but my emotions are still up and down. I am actively poking around in my brain trying to recall memories, especially in regards to my depression. What lead up to them, how did I cope (easy enough answer alcohol/pills) and how did I return to participating in my life.
Over the weekend, I had crawled into bed to read. But I began having thoughts about things from my past. I thought okay I had better jot some of these down. So I grabbed my notebook and began typing. I began approximately in 1977 (5) to 1995 (23). When I was done I had a very long list. Some things are memories that I have and have no real bearing on my depression, I included them anyways because they are some of the few memories that I have. And there may be reasons why they are still in my head. I still have from 1995 (when I met my ex) to present day to work through yet. I have not even begun counselling yet and I have a list as long as my arm.
Even though the list is a long one, underneath there is the woman I am to become. Lighthearted, free and able to live and love her life.