Mental Illness

Woke up to a blanket of snow,

crystal clean.

Felt the chill in the air

hoped that today would be better,

more alive.

Wondering,

what I have done to deserve this?

Mired in depression,

buoyed by the high

bouncing and falling so quickly.

No one knows what it is like,

the emotions,

no one even knows how I cope.

Days go by.

Each one is the same

counting the seconds as they pass.

I can only hope that the cycle will break

and that for a time I will be normal.

I am not crazy,

I am not insane.

I am falling without a safety net

never to know what each day brings

lost within this damaged mind.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Written 2003/2004

 

Even Keel

I am sitting watching Parks and Recreation. I have really been enjoying it. Today I cried when Leslie hugged Ron who announces that he is not down with it and she says she doesn’t care. And I thought why can’t I be as happy as Leslie Knope?
Now I realize that this is a fictional character created for television. She is an optimistic, smiling, happy and caring individual. Even when things are not going her way, she buckles down and gets it done. An incredible skill for gift giving as well.
I miss being happy. I miss laughing. I am not always a sad sack. I do laugh, there are moments where my life feels a little brighter. But I am looking at myself and realizing that despite thinking I am better, there are small signs that I am not quite up to 100%. I am still unable to read. This of all things really kills me because books have always been my escape. I will read a page or two and than I set it aside as my concentrations wanes.
I look around the apartment and though tidy, it needs a good vacuuming and the bathroom could use a once over. Yet, I am okay with how it is looking. I cannot muster the energy at the moment to do anything.
These ups and downs of my emotions cause me turmoil. When I am up and happy, I feel great. When I am down, I weep and feel sorrow. I want to hide away. I would love to be on an even keel.