Thank You

I started this blog just over a year ago.

As of today Monday Feb. 27th I reached a milestone. I have 250 followers on my blog.

I want to say thank you to everyone. And I am beyond humbled that my words are being read by people I have never met. That I can entertain you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 💗💗

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Don’t Doubt Yourself

Once more the words reach into the core of me and another light bulb goes off. I am learning to believe I am worth my own happiness. 😊

Discovering Your Happiness

Hello loves ❤

You’re happy. Genuinely happy after what feels like ages. And you’re finally getting the stability you’ve been craving for absolutely ages. You’re finally beginning to get the things you need from your life and everything feels blissful after a very, very long time. But for some reason, you simply cannot shake the feeling that you don’t deserve it. There is a little voice inside you that just keeps saying “Nah, this new job, this new house, this new life, this is all going to go wrong soon. Just wait.”

Fear of happiness is actually a very real fear. It strikes those of us who have always found ourselves exuberant until “the other shoe fell” and suddenly everything we thought would be there for us was suddenly gone, without warning. Fear of happiness affects perfectionists, workaholics, longterm abuse survivors for a range of different reasons, but all of…

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Pillow Head

Mirtazapine. Also known commenly as Remron. Used in conjunction with another anti-depressant to help to alleviate symptoms of major depression At least that was how it was explained to me. One takes it at bedtime as it is suppose to help you to sleep.

I have experience with Remron from 2003. The year after my first diagnosis.

During this time, the pills knocked me right out. I would take them and in 15 minutes be asleep and drooling. The Ex told me that attempting to wake me up was futile, I was comatose. I remember taking them for awhile but quitting. The dosage at that time was 45 mg.

I explained to the Psychaitrist and my counselor that I had previously been on the Remron and described my experience. Both felt that it was the dosage and the fact that I was also self-medicating as well way back when. They felt that it was safe enough because I was going to be on the smallest dosage of 7.5 mg.  Given how it had previously affected me, I wanted to experiment with the meds when T was not here. I was not comfortable thinking that something could happen and I would not awaken.

Saturday night I took it around 11ish. By 11:30 I was feeling groggy and having difficulty keeping my eyes open. Not so bad, it didn’t just swoop in and swamp me. I slept straight through the night. I woke up at 7 a.m. on Sunday and felt as though I had been drinking the night before. My head was full of stuffing, my mouth was dry, my teeth scuzzy. I stumbled into the living room, blinking my eyes, doing face contortions to try and awaken myself.

I thought that it was because it was the first day that I was feeling this way. I decided I would try one more time Sunday evening and after that I would call my counselor and tell him this was a no go.

Sunday afternoon I was feeling tired and out of sorts. Which is unusual for me. I went and laid down in my room and fell asleep. Was out for about an hour. When I woke up I felt like I had slept hours. My head was aching and again my mouth felt dry. Even Sunday evening I felt really off. I still took the pill willing to give it one more chance.

I again slept straight through awakening to the alarm at 6 a.m. Again, feeling as though I had been drinking the night before. Decided right than and there that I was not going to be taking this medication any more. I spent my day much as I did on Sunday, lethargic and I realized that my mood was not where it had been for the last 6 days. I was feeling down.

I could attest that to the fact that I was feeling out of sorts. That because I did not have my normal energy I was stressing a little. Not a lot, not panic like but stressing a bit. But I do not think so. And I did not want to write. My desire to read the blogs I follow was nonexistant. Again not like me at all. And I had been able to read but my interest again had waned.

I also had an hour and a half nap yesterday. Did not feel right. Called my counselor and left a message indicating that I would not be taking the Remron any longer. Which means that they might want to switch my Wellbutrin altogether. I am really leery about that because it does work for me. The fact that I am now having to take the highest dosage does indicate that I may be building up a tolerance to it.

This morning I woke up at 5:05 a.m. Actually Thomas woke me up tapping a claw into me to awaken the misterss so that she could feed me! Got up staggered to the bathroom and crawled back into bed. Did not fall back to sleep but did doze until the alarm went of at 6 a.m. I was not feeling as groggy as the previous two mornings but still did not have the same level of energy that I have been having. Also I was a little snappish with T. Annoyed because he would not even give the new cereal a chance.

I fell asleep after eating breakfast this morning.  I had done my workout when I got back from dropping T at school. But another wave of sleepiness rolled over me and I napped. Another hour and a half gone. And when I woke up my head felt stuffed with fluff again. I know that it is going to take a couple of days for the pills to be completely out of my system and I am drinking a lot of water.

What scares me is the drain on my energy and the fact my mood has gone down. How I have slipped back a little bit. I know that it is not going to last forever. I am still able to do the small things and am pushing through this bleak moment. And that is what it is, a bleak moment. I have tried the Remron again and it does not work. Groggy Jay is on the way out, and Energetic Feeling Good Jay will return. I just need to be patient.

Writer

I knew what I wanted to be as a teenager, when I grew up. I knew it in Grade One when I wrote my first story.

I wanted to be a writer.

What I did not know than, there is no wanting to be a writer, it is who I am.

***I wrote this while I was writing a journal entry. I had goose bumps when I realized the validity of that statement.****

I did it!

Yesterday was a huge success day for me.  I can acknowledge how far I have come now. And it is huge. I am doing the happy dance while sitting on the couch as I type this I am so excited.

I am a planner. Time and structure has a lot to do with it because I can than make sure that I am in control. Nothing can blindside me. T is much like me in this regard as was evidenced when he got mad at me because, wait for it, I did not wake him up at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning. Much pouting and anger were shown. Refusal to shower because he had to shower at 6. Within about 15 minutes, I was pretty tired of the #6 and a.m. Finally I looked at him and said: T, I understand that you are angry with me because I did not wake you up at 6. You are disappointed in me. I accept that but nothing is going to change the fact that I did not wake you up so please let us just move on from this.’

He was not happy with me at all. Whether he thought that if I fought with him I would yell and he could feel justified in his anger, or I really don’t know, but he glared at me his mouth pursed. I finally heard from M that they were up and told T that he needed to get ready. This was his sleepover day with his bff K. I think both boys live for these saturdays more than anything else. He stomped around here and snapped that he had no pants to put on. No socks. I went to the laundry basket and in seconds found what he was looking for. Than he tried to tell me that the socks I had brought him were mine.

I went out to the car and started it. I had not used it since Friday morning and it was -15 with a real feel of -26. Celsius. Came back into the house as T came out of the bathroom. A transformation had been performed. His hair was brushed. His teeth were brushed. He looked neat and tidy. He smelled good without it being overbearing. (He is 9 with an obsession for Axe) He looked at me and smiled sweetly. I awaited the angry boy to return but within seconds it was apparent that he had switched into sweet cherub mode.

We left the house at 9:26. Went to Mcdonald’s where T commented on the service. He is very bothered by what he views as a lack of service at the one Mcdonald’s we have in a city of over 15,000. I realized that the Hold button was flashing on the panel. This was not good. I told T that it was on and that we might have to make alternate arrangements. We were chatting away and I was okay when doing up to 80km/hour when I realized that the car was not shifting. We made it to Mitchell and pulled into the gas station parking lot.

I shot a text off to the Ex and than got out of the car to check fluids. I figured that I should make sure that the oil and transmission fluid were both alright and they were. I called M in a slight panic and told her what was going on. Wondered if she could come and pick T up and than I would drive out Sunday a.m. to pick him up. Except that the Ex had text back. He was up. And we could take the car to his place and he would scan it for me. I sent a quick text off to M saying to hold off I might still be able to drive T out.

Off we went to the Ex’s. T and me talking and listening as the engine is reving at 4000 rpm’s and I am cringing. I dropped back down to 80 in a 100 zone and tootled along. Got to the Ex’s and waited while he scanned the car. And it wasn’t working. I got into the backseat and text M to give her and update. T told Ex that he had not been to school all week. That he had been sick. And I projected my fear that the Ex was going to call my mothering skills into account, that I immediately listed off all of T’s symptoms. The Ex didn’t even say a word, and I realized it was me. I am T’s mother and I would know if he was scamming me. I can make these decisions without having to feel that it is wrong.

The Ex finally realized that he had the wrong ‘key’ for the scanner and retrieved the right one. Up came the code for Coolant Temperature Sensor. And when he cleared the code, the car shifted down and it was hoped that I could now drive without concern. I do need to call around and find the sensor and pricing but we were good to go. By now it is 10:30, the time that I had hoped that I was going to be dropping T off. Shot M a text and said we were off. And we were and the car shifted into overdrive. Wohoo, I told T (I Had already profusely thanked the Ex) to send his dad a text and tell him that he is the most awesome and again thank you. T says I already did before we left mom.

I was a little nervous at first but as the car continued to behave, I became a more and more confident. We were cruising along. I made the cloverleaf onto the perimeter coolly and calmly. Taking the cloverleaf off onto the #1 to head into M’s, it suddenly dawned on me. I had done it. Today I had been thrown a loop and I came through it without breaking down. I did it.

First my time line had been thrown off. I had it in my head that we would leave at 9:30, there by 10:30 back by 11:30. Finish cleaning the apartment by 12:30 and rest of time was my own to do what I wanted. Now I was an hour behind. I had gotten a little snappy when I again projected that T was going to blame me for the car failure. So I apologized to him. T looked at me incredulously and said mom you did not do this.’

Than I had called M to ask her come and get T rather than texting and fretting waiting for her to get back to me. Texting the Ex I had not expected that he would get back to me until later in the day. That he did and was willing to scan the car for me was an added bonus. The car acting up in the first place. Reading that one should not be shifting gears as it could damage the engine and hoping that mine was not about to blow up. That it is something easy to fix.

Before I would have been in a tailspin. My entire day would have been skewed because of all these things. Yesterday though, yes, there was a brief moment of accelerated heart rate, I was a little sweaty. I did not cry. I did not rage. I did not blame things on the unseen or think that the world was out to get me. I handled it. I had a plan and I followed through. And I cheered for myself.

I told T as we sat at the light and he said you know what mom, you are right. You did a great job.

And there we have it.

I did a great job. I took a huge step. I can see a difference and I am loving it.

Bull’s Eye

T has been home sick for the whole week. Headache, stomach ache, slight fever and a cough. The first two days he slept 13-15 hours which caused me a great deal of concern. The cough settled in his chest, harsh and well, I have heard the sound before many a time coming from myself. Dug out the inhaler and he had to use it a few times.

Yesterday he was feeling better. As the day progressed he turned from the sweet sick hasn’t eaten a full meal all week, into the 9 year old doofus that is my son. The voices came back. The odd thing where he wrinkles his nose and curls one side of his lip returned. His appetite returned.

I made a top sirloin roast yesterday. When I buy roasts, I cut them in half as T and me cannot eat a whole one to ourselves. The amount of leftovers never gets eaten either so I am learning. 375 degrees for almost an hour. Should probably have pulled it out after about 45-50 minutes. Still as I cut it, the knife moved through it like butter.

Prepared T’s plate for him and set it on the table. Informed him that I wanted him to eat all of it. I knew based on the week that the likelihood of his eating a lot was next to nil so I had only given him a wee bit. I was getting my own plate ready when the following occurred between us.

‘Mom, where is my ketchup?’

‘Ketchup? With that roast? No you are not ruining it with ketchup.’

‘But mom it is just for dunking.’

‘T you are not using ketchup. Use the bbq sauce. There are three on the bottom.’

‘Which one should I use?’

‘The one that is open?’ I realized I had given him an out there so came over to the fridge and pointed to the bottom shelf. ‘There that one.’

I go back to my plate and suddenly T is having a little fit.

‘Mom, what, this was never opened! I cannot get the lid open. Mom, what is going on?’

He is muttering away as I walk into the living room. Shaking the bottle and trying to find the seam on the cap. I place my plate down and turn to look at him about to ask him to hand me the bottle and I would open it for him. Now I was really perplexed because it is a BBQ sauce that has already been open! Had he been so weakened by his week of illness that he could not get the lid off?

As I reach my hand out about to say just give me the bottle already I realize what he is doing. His thumb keeps sliding off the lid as he is trying to flip it open. The petulant look on his face ended it for me. I begin to howl. T is staring at me like I have gone insane.

‘Dude, it is a screw top not a flip top!’

If looks could kill, I would not be typing this up right now. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. T was so not impressed with me. I was told that I was not funny in the least and I was to stop laughing. Little did he know that I posted it to Facebook and now here. Am sure that he will appreciate the humor once he is a parent himself.

For now I am rapidly becoming the ‘uncool’ mom which I am totally fine with. If this is any indication of what is to come, I am going to have a lot of humorous stories to write up. T may find right now that my desire to document the things he says annoying and so a mom thing. Yet, when he is older and time has done its work, he will be able to sit down and reread about his youth.

And I am pretty sure, that he is going to have a sense of humor which is a carbon copy of mine. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Are Your Emotions Taking Over?

As I sat reading this last evening so much of it resonated with me. I saw myself in each point made. Today I went back and reread it again and realized that once more it was what I needed to see at this point and time.

Discovering Your Happiness

Hello loves ❤

When we stop doing things that numb, deny and avoid our emotions, we start becoming aware of them. When we become aware of them, what we are really doing is allowing them. That’s when something incredible starts to happen: we begin the process of releasing.

When you feel safe enough to let yourself feel, you start to unpack old wounds that you disassociated from to protect yourself.

Our bodies are genius, super-conscious wells of silent wisdom, and it is through feeling that they communicate with us. Most, however, are clogged with a backlog of old feelings, grievances, losses and beliefs we never reconciled. We start to believe that the fear and trauma is the communication system when in fact it is in the way of the communication system working effectively.

Here, everything you need to know if you’re in the process of releasing, but are feeling…

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