Once more the words reach into the core of me and another light bulb goes off. I am learning to believe I am worth my own happiness. 😊
Hello loves ❤
You’re happy. Genuinely happy after what feels like ages. And you’re finally getting the stability you’ve been craving for absolutely ages. You’re finally beginning to get the things you need from your life and everything feels blissful after a very, very long time. But for some reason, you simply cannot shake the feeling that you don’t deserve it. There is a little voice inside you that just keeps saying “Nah, this new job, this new house, this new life, this is all going to go wrong soon. Just wait.”
Fear of happiness is actually a very real fear. It strikes those of us who have always found ourselves exuberant until “the other shoe fell” and suddenly everything we thought would be there for us was suddenly gone, without warning. Fear of happiness affects perfectionists, workaholics, longterm abuse survivors for a range of different reasons, but all of…
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I knew what I wanted to be as a teenager, when I grew up. I knew it in Grade One when I wrote my first story.
I wanted to be a writer.
What I did not know than, there is no wanting to be a writer, it is who I am.
***I wrote this while I was writing a journal entry. I had goose bumps when I realized the validity of that statement.****
T has been home sick for the whole week. Headache, stomach ache, slight fever and a cough. The first two days he slept 13-15 hours which caused me a great deal of concern. The cough settled in his chest, harsh and well, I have heard the sound before many a time coming from myself. Dug out the inhaler and he had to use it a few times.
Yesterday he was feeling better. As the day progressed he turned from the sweet sick hasn’t eaten a full meal all week, into the 9 year old doofus that is my son. The voices came back. The odd thing where he wrinkles his nose and curls one side of his lip returned. His appetite returned.
I made a top sirloin roast yesterday. When I buy roasts, I cut them in half as T and me cannot eat a whole one to ourselves. The amount of leftovers never gets eaten either so I am learning. 375 degrees for almost an hour. Should probably have pulled it out after about 45-50 minutes. Still as I cut it, the knife moved through it like butter.
Prepared T’s plate for him and set it on the table. Informed him that I wanted him to eat all of it. I knew based on the week that the likelihood of his eating a lot was next to nil so I had only given him a wee bit. I was getting my own plate ready when the following occurred between us.
‘Mom, where is my ketchup?’
‘Ketchup? With that roast? No you are not ruining it with ketchup.’
‘But mom it is just for dunking.’
‘T you are not using ketchup. Use the bbq sauce. There are three on the bottom.’
‘Which one should I use?’
‘The one that is open?’ I realized I had given him an out there so came over to the fridge and pointed to the bottom shelf. ‘There that one.’
I go back to my plate and suddenly T is having a little fit.
‘Mom, what, this was never opened! I cannot get the lid open. Mom, what is going on?’
He is muttering away as I walk into the living room. Shaking the bottle and trying to find the seam on the cap. I place my plate down and turn to look at him about to ask him to hand me the bottle and I would open it for him. Now I was really perplexed because it is a BBQ sauce that has already been open! Had he been so weakened by his week of illness that he could not get the lid off?
As I reach my hand out about to say just give me the bottle already I realize what he is doing. His thumb keeps sliding off the lid as he is trying to flip it open. The petulant look on his face ended it for me. I begin to howl. T is staring at me like I have gone insane.
‘Dude, it is a screw top not a flip top!’
If looks could kill, I would not be typing this up right now. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. T was so not impressed with me. I was told that I was not funny in the least and I was to stop laughing. Little did he know that I posted it to Facebook and now here. Am sure that he will appreciate the humor once he is a parent himself.
For now I am rapidly becoming the ‘uncool’ mom which I am totally fine with. If this is any indication of what is to come, I am going to have a lot of humorous stories to write up. T may find right now that my desire to document the things he says annoying and so a mom thing. Yet, when he is older and time has done its work, he will be able to sit down and reread about his youth.
And I am pretty sure, that he is going to have a sense of humor which is a carbon copy of mine. 🙂 🙂 🙂
As I sat reading this last evening so much of it resonated with me. I saw myself in each point made. Today I went back and reread it again and realized that once more it was what I needed to see at this point and time.
Hello loves ❤
When we stop doing things that numb, deny and avoid our emotions, we start becoming aware of them. When we become aware of them, what we are really doing is allowing them. That’s when something incredible starts to happen: we begin the process of releasing.
When you feel safe enough to let yourself feel, you start to unpack old wounds that you disassociated from to protect yourself.
Our bodies are genius, super-conscious wells of silent wisdom, and it is through feeling that they communicate with us. Most, however, are clogged with a backlog of old feelings, grievances, losses and beliefs we never reconciled. We start to believe that the fear and trauma is the communication system when in fact it is in the way of the communication system working effectively.
Here, everything you need to know if you’re in the process of releasing, but are feeling…
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