1. a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify.
T and me we had a great time throughout the week last week. Towards the end I had a few moments of irritability with him. I was annoyed with myself that I reacted to him the way that I did but not overly harsh.
Monday as I drove to pick T up from school I realized that I am sick of always being afraid. When did this happen to me? I don’t expect to be fearless as that is just not me, but this fearful person is not me either.
Tuesday I received a call that my insurance paperwork for the bank was filled out and I could go and pick it up. Well this began a comedy of not so funny laughs. The clinic tried to charge me for the paperwork twice. Thank goodness as I was going over it I realized or I would have overpaid. Than came the trek to the bank. Later I received a call from the clinic that they needed the paperwork back to make copies. Bank could fax if willing. Spent the better part of 3 hours going back and forth until I threw my hands up in despair went back to the bank picked up the paperwork and went to the clinic. The bank made me a photocopy of the papers needed so at least I did not have to go back.
Wednesday was my second counselling session. I have detailed that in another blog. Also on this day I found out the T believes that I am scared of everything. So my efforts to not have my fears infect him has failed. Well not failed, but I need to be more cognitive of how I talk to him.
Friday evening I drove to pick up T’s best friend for a sleepover. I had to do a loop da loop off the highway (cloverleaf) and I hate the things. There were people in front of and behind me trying to get to the loop da loop onto the highway as well as the traffic continuing into Headingly. I did it but my heart rate accelerated, I was sweating and sure that T and me were going to die.
On Saturday, I dropped T’s friend off at a birthday party and he and I went to Wal-mart. We had a great time walking throughout the store, getting the items we needed and browsing. I chatted with the cashier and was a real person. Not the mumbling zombie who interacts with the bare minimum. Stopped and got cat food. More interaction. Mcdonald’s and even more interaction.
Sunday T and me hung out until his dad arrived to pick him up. We had a great time. Laughed a lot. I have created a Tisms file and am going to start writing down things that we do that are funny or serious for us to look back on. T thinks that it will be cool as a teenager to look back and see how he thought as a kid. I was good for the evening after T left.
Than came monday. And the malaise hit. I exercised. I ate. I did laundry. I did dishes. I did not fold the laundry. I did not remake my bed after washing the sheets. The clean laundry on my bed ended up on the floor. I did go out for a brief moment to the post box and Co-op for a bag of chips. And by 3 p.m. I was exhausted. Wanted to nap but forced myself to stay awake. I ate very little for dinner. T arrived at 9 and we talked for a bit.
Although it is only 7:32 a.m. I am already trying to minimize my exposure to the outside world. And that is when it hit me. I feel malaised.
Now first off I love the word and we do not use it often enough. Secondly as I am pushing my way through this fog that I have found myself in, I am comforted knowing that it is not going to last forever. I am not wallowing in self-pity or hatred, I feel blah but am able to ride that out without falling into a sobbing mess. Thirdly, I am able to mark the decline. I can see where I am falling off and how to rectify the situation.
I  had a lot of external interaction last week. And because of that I have taken a couple of backward steps. But I am still stronger. For I have recognized what is happening with me and know that it will end.

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

A single hard working mom of a soon to be teenage son. A poet and story teller I have wanted to write since I was a child. This space is where I share stories about myself and my life and the creative poetry that stirs my soul. My hope is you will pull up a chair and a cup of coffee delving into the world that I offer and you find simple enjoyment for a few moments. Welcome to The Wonderful & Wacky World of One Single Mom

10 thoughts on “Malaise”

  1. Also, wanted to add, I have what I call “high energy” days and “low energy” days and try and utilize the high energy days by getting a lot done on my “to do” list that way I can be more gentle with myself on the low energy days. Maybe that would help you as well. 😉

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    1. Thank you. I know what you mean by having high and low energy days. Like you on my high energy days I do as much as I can, taking advantage of it. I am learning slowly to not be harsh with myself if on low days I don’t do much. It is ingrained in me so I keep telling myself it is ok.

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      1. It is hard, especially if something is attached to the fear. Kids see everything don’t they? The kid I keep wrote my husband and told him I was so sad without him. Dang, thought I’d hidden it so well!

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      2. The thing is he is telling people. His friend that I was driving home had not let his mom or his other ride home because my son had said: ‘We have to go as soon as the bell rings or my mom will get worried.’ To which my son than pipes up and says ‘She is afraid someone is going to take me.’ I realize now where that fear/anxiety comes from so am able to work on it. I did talk to my son and tell him that I was sorry that I had projected my fears on to him. In typical boy fashion he replied ‘It’s okay mom it is just you.’

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      3. Ouch, yes. My daughter picked up on my church phobia after I survived a PSA. Now she doesn’t even claim our faith which is sad. I think it’s a cycle. She suffers terrible anxiety now on top of being on the Spectrum.


  2. I can relate to you “sick of always being afraid. When did this happen to me?” I have questioned the same thing and pinpointed for me it was when I had kids. I’ve always been prone to over worrying but when I had kids it kicked into overdrive! I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for doing the laundry and the dishes on Monday! Mondays are hard for me too. I try to be gentle with myself on Mondays and by just telling myself it’s ok to do the bare minimal to get by, it lifts my spirit and makes me feel better.

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