I survived

**Me getting ready this morning being a little goofy**
So I did it! I returned to work this morning for my first 4 hour shift. 9-1. It was not as bad as I feared, although for the first half hour or so my heart was racing in my chest. It was not a panic attack but fear. Fear that I was going to stared at. Fear that my co-workers would judge me. Plain old fear. So I took deep breaths until I could feel my heart calm.
Before work,  having my coffee, I opened my email to discover that mom had sent me a card. Telling me that I had it  today and it would be alright. T came and gave me a big squeeze hug because Chichi had Skyped and told him to. I got a little misty eyed and messaged mom. They were warm fuzzy tears. I was worried my mascara would run. It didn’t. And than I began to go through my emails.
First one I opened, joypassiondesire. She is a blogger that I recently began to follow. Her post was You can do this, don’t give up. All positive quotes and each one seemed to be directed at me. Than I opened raynotbradbury and her’s was about The State of Present. This one was about being in the now. Once more it seemed to be directed at me. That is how Thought #6 came about. I left for my day at work feeling that I would be able to better handle what would be thrown at me.
Dropped T off and got not one but two kisses and a kiss blown through the window. He reminded me that I was to have a good day and that I could do it. My very own little cheerleader. I drove off to work, and unfortunately got stuck behind the slowest driver ever. Okay not ever but this is not the first time that I have been stuck behind the same driver. Not that I was in a rush but it was 8:55 a.m. and I started at 9, so I moved around him. I had to chuckle to myself as I drove by and recognized him.
I was great until I walked into the store. As I made my way upstairs I kept dropping my head. I was conscious that I was doing this and kept saying ‘Jay look up. Not down. Up.’ (In regards to my staring down I read another post that seemed to be directed at me. Grateful Single Moms post Make Small Changes that will Produce Exciting Results.)  I spent my morning in Customer Service. Swept and cleaned. Kept myself busy. Helped customers. One of my regulars spotted me and came over. He gave me his hand to shake and pulled me into a hug telling me that he was happy to see me back. He had missed me. We chatted for a few minutes and than I had to go back to work.
I am going back slowly. My only responsibility right now is to ease myself back into my job. To get use to being back out in public and interacting with customers. And co-workers. When I started to wander, my mind catalouging, I hummed to rein myself in. When I saw things that annoyed or irritated me, I would begin to chant in my head, ‘Not my responsibility.’ This is not me abdicating responsibility, this is me protecting myself.
I have worked very hard to change my thinking. To being responsible for myself and T. To not going around behind others and cleaning up the errors and messes. (Makes me sound egotistical. But in my previous incarnation I strove for perfection so I was forever holding all the reins.) I was told being back meant cleaning would again be done. Um no sorry, I will do what I have to do but as for the rest, there are supervisors to deal with that. Again not abdicating, taking my time and easing into a roll, that while I am extremely good at it, can overwhelm and deplete me. My support group all checked in. V was there and I went to get a hug from her before beginning. One of the courtesy clerks was so excited to see me he wrapped me in a big squeeze hug. Which made me feel wonderful.
I will continue to take each day one moment by moment. And that is what I am working on. Remembering to remain in in the now. To not look ahead.
To paraphrase Ms. raynotbradbury reply to my comment ‘stick to the now it is all you can do or change.’
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Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

I am a single hard working mom in her 40's. I have always written poetry and I love words. I live with depression and its ups downs. This is a space where I can create and write all that I need to.

12 thoughts on “I survived”

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