I have(n’t) Got This

I guess that I should have known something was up with me. I reset my alarm 5x this morning. From 5, 5:15, 6, 6:30, 7 and finally 7:30. Got up because I had to be at work for 9. And I still have not made my bed. I made coffee took my meds and jumped into the shower. I figured that it was a little bit of the hormones acting up and who knows, maybe tomorrow this will all just seem like a torturous nightmare. I ate breakfast text my good mornings and headed off to work.
I found out that insurance was not going to top up my pay. That with my going back to work 6 hours a day next week, it was considered to be a full return to work. Which means I now have to go back full time much sooner that I thought. For the next two weeks (beginning April 30th) I will work 6 hours and use my holiday time to top me up. 20 hours of holiday time used. And than back full time on May 14th.
I feel completely alienated. Neither staff nor other supervisors seem happy that I am back. And I am feeling it. I am excluded from conversations so I keep myself busy. Yet today it really hit home. Not that I want them inside my real life but I have to work with these people and not a one (I lie one has made me feel that she is glad I am back) has made me feel like I am welcome. I have been fine with it while I am only working 4 hours because it is so easy to go in and leave.
Going in for 8 hours is a totally different story. My boss and I have not even sat down to discuss what I am going to be doing.
After getting the news today, I sucked it up. I plastered a smile on my face and went about my morning. Keeping myself busy, helping customers. Than I went for my break and sent a message to K. Told her what was going to happen and began to cry. Well not cry, but my eyes were leaking. I sucked it up and went upstairs to make sure that I did not look like I had been crying. Than back to work and finished off my shift.
Now though, I cannot stop crying. I do not know that I can do this. I realize that I have no choice in the matter at this point because the company that has been paying for my benefits, is not the company we are now with. So I would have to reapply and I have not been paying into these benefits long enough. I would give anything right now to have someone who would just hold me and let me cry.
I do not know that I am strong enough to withstand this.
I admit that on the way home from the city I wanted to stop and get wine. Right now I want to numb myself so I do not feel afraid. So alone. I won’t because I have more pride in myself than that. I have come this far. And I will be damned if I am going to let a job pull me under. Make me doubt everything that I have worked so hard for.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will suck it up and plaster a smile on my face. I will pretend that all is well. I will not allow these people to get under my skin. I will not give away my power.
I am a strong and wonderful woman. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. And fuck man, I have got this shit!
Captain Q

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