I have(n’t) Got This

I guess that I should have known something was up with me. I reset my alarm 5x this morning. From 5, 5:15, 6, 6:30, 7 and finally 7:30. Got up because I had to be at work for 9. And I still have not made my bed. I made coffee took my meds and jumped into the shower. I figured that it was a little bit of the hormones acting up and who knows, maybe tomorrow this will all just seem like a torturous nightmare. I ate breakfast text my good mornings and headed off to work.
I found out that insurance was not going to top up my pay. That with my going back to work 6 hours a day next week, it was considered to be a full return to work. Which means I now have to go back full time much sooner that I thought. For the next two weeks (beginning April 30th) I will work 6 hours and use my holiday time to top me up. 20 hours of holiday time used. And than back full time on May 14th.
I feel completely alienated. Neither staff nor other supervisors seem happy that I am back. And I am feeling it. I am excluded from conversations so I keep myself busy. Yet today it really hit home. Not that I want them inside my real life but I have to work with these people and not a one (I lie one has made me feel that she is glad I am back) has made me feel like I am welcome. I have been fine with it while I am only working 4 hours because it is so easy to go in and leave.
Going in for 8 hours is a totally different story. My boss and I have not even sat down to discuss what I am going to be doing.
After getting the news today, I sucked it up. I plastered a smile on my face and went about my morning. Keeping myself busy, helping customers. Than I went for my break and sent a message to K. Told her what was going to happen and began to cry. Well not cry, but my eyes were leaking. I sucked it up and went upstairs to make sure that I did not look like I had been crying. Than back to work and finished off my shift.
Now though, I cannot stop crying. I do not know that I can do this. I realize that I have no choice in the matter at this point because the company that has been paying for my benefits, is not the company we are now with. So I would have to reapply and I have not been paying into these benefits long enough. I would give anything right now to have someone who would just hold me and let me cry.
I do not know that I am strong enough to withstand this.
I admit that on the way home from the city I wanted to stop and get wine. Right now I want to numb myself so I do not feel afraid. So alone. I won’t because I have more pride in myself than that. I have come this far. And I will be damned if I am going to let a job pull me under. Make me doubt everything that I have worked so hard for.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will suck it up and plaster a smile on my face. I will pretend that all is well. I will not allow these people to get under my skin. I will not give away my power.
I am a strong and wonderful woman. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. And fuck man, I have got this shit!

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

A single hard working mom of a soon to be teenage son. A poet and story teller I have wanted to write since I was a child. This space is where I share stories about myself and my life and the creative poetry that stirs my soul. My hope is you will pull up a chair and a cup of coffee delving into the world that I offer and you find simple enjoyment for a few moments. Welcome to The Wonderful & Wacky World of One Single Mom

5 thoughts on “I have(n’t) Got This”

  1. This is a small backslide but it will pass. Some may be a control thing and not being heard so your plan to work less hours wont be accepted. Take control where you can…make an appt to talk with your boss, forget the rest of the staff and their issues and have a clear plan for you. You can do it! It is ok to cry and then pick yourself up and move on.

    Liked by 1 person

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