I have spent all day trying to come up with a poem for today’s daily prompt. And yet nothing would form. I was actually a little afraid that I was going to fail in doing the prompt every day this month and let down Confessions of an Irish Procrastinator. And given that she was able to put one out today the pressure is on. 😦 (For all who have been following me and wondering about the smiley faces it is the only one I can figure out on my notebook. Appears I might have the frowny face down now. Everything else I need through my phone and yeah…….)
Okay so I thought long and hard about this one. And it turns out that what I am about to write is intensely personal.
For the longest time, my vision of myself has been skewed. I had this voice, this tape in my head that told me 1) the only reason that men would be interested in me had to do with my sexuality 2) that I totally failed at everything I did.
I ran so hard and so fast from that voice. I took pills, I drank a lot of alcohol to silence that voice but the damage was done.
This year, when I fell down and went Kaboom! I finally was able to see. I saw that the voice I was hearing, it was full of bullshit. I am a smart, independent, confident woman. I do not need to use my sexuality to entice men. I do not need to use my body to make them like me. My brain is more than enough to draw them in.
As well, I do not in any way fail at the things I do. I am pretty darn good at what I set my mind to. I can walk the walk and hell baby I can talk the talk. I will make you twist and shout!
The vision that I had of myself has been so very very wrong. I was a crippled version, bent over beneath angry words, and abusive behavior that screwed up the way that I saw myself, saw the world and how I was to interact within it.
Now, there are no images, there are no angry voices, there is no one but me living within my head. And I tell myself I am a good woman. I am a good mother. I am a good friend. The vision that I have of me, and the woman I want to be, is no longer skewed, but a beautiful truth.