So this week there have been a few odd hitches that have begun to make me think.
- I was telling someone about how when I went for a walk on Sunday the side of the road I was on did not have a sidewalk. However, I actually forgot the word sidewalk and while running my hands out like a walkway, said ‘You know the thing, that thing you walk on.’ Oh yeah, I am using it as a great story now. And it proves I can laugh at myself.
- I also forgot the word schedule.
- Today, when I got up I went to feed the cats. Well, I would have made them wait but for the meowing of ‘Mom we are so hungry. Mooooooooooooooom feed us feed us now!’ I open up the fridge and stare in there stupified. I really thought that last night I had only used half a can of the cat food. Oh well, maybe I was wrong so I pulled another can out of the cupboard and fed them. I did put that can into the fridge.
I was going to take a lazy day but instead decided that I would clean the apartment. I mean, clean and than have the rest of today, all day Sunday and half the day Monday to myself. As I am cleaning, I go to put away the sandwich bags that have been sitting on the counter. I open the cupboard and lo and behold what the hell do I find? The can of cat food from last night. I honestly have absolutely no recall as to why I would have done this. The cupboard it was in is above the sink not even near the fridge. It is where I keep Polysporin, lotions for the cats when they scratch or their ears. Cough syrup for Tember. No reason for me to put cat food in there.
This got me thinking. For those of you who have followed along on my journey this past winter, you may be or are aware of the fact that I used pills to sedate myself. Easy enough to get over the counter back medicine and I took a lot. As an aside in 4 days I am going to have been clean for 150 days. 5 months. Not a pill at all. Other than my medication and vitamins. Not even when I get headaches.
Okay the brag fest is over. Let me get back to my thoughts. I am beginning to wonder how much damage I have done to myself. Are these little brain stutters due to all the pills that I took?
Than there is the high levels of iron that may (probably has) been caused by my excessive drinking. Liver damage there.
And I have done this all to myself. I am not asking for sympathy but I wonder what further complications I am going to end up developing?
If I could turn back time, well I would not be the woman that I am today. I would be someone different. But I would give anything to have not abused my body and my brain the way that I did.
Laying side by side
you pretend not to notice the tears
that caress my cheeks.
I wonder what is wrong
where is it that I fail you
even when you tell me
that we will be alright.
Time and time again
no matter how slowly I move
no matter how much time I take
you are premature
and I am late.
I wish that just for once
we could be together
at the same time
in the same moment
I lay awake listening to you breath
my heart breaking in two
our love is never going to match
and I should abandon all hope now.