Fiery Necessity

Photo by Alejandra Quiroz on Unsplash

Did you think that I would ascertain?
That I might acquiesce?
My love
it will not subside
I cannot pretend it is not real.
I reach for you
stroke your mind
call to you
make you feel
as I kneel
before you.
Supplication.
Naked
breast bared
heave with shuddered gasps
you fill my senses
my body
as I give to you
release
relentless
romance and pain.
We fall
lust and desire
all consuming
all eating
bodies twisting
becoming one
within the darkness of midnight.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 19/18

Brain Stutter

So this week there have been a few odd hitches that have begun to make me think.

  1. I was telling someone about how when I went for a walk on Sunday the side of the road I was on did not have a sidewalk. However, I actually forgot the word sidewalk and while running my hands out like a walkway, said ‘You know the thing, that thing you walk on.’ Oh yeah, I am using it as a great story now. And it proves I can laugh at myself.
  2. I also forgot the word schedule.
  3. Today, when I got up I went to feed the cats. Well,  I would have made them wait but for the meowing of ‘Mom we are so hungry. Mooooooooooooooom feed us feed us now!’ I open up the fridge and stare in there stupified. I really thought that last night I had only used half a can of the cat food. Oh well, maybe I was wrong so I pulled another can out of the cupboard and fed them. I did put that can into the fridge.

I was going to take a lazy day but instead decided that I would clean the apartment. I mean, clean and than have the rest of today, all day Sunday and half the day Monday to myself. As I am cleaning, I go to put away the sandwich bags that have been sitting on the counter. I open the cupboard and lo and behold what the hell do I find? The can of cat food from last night. I honestly have absolutely no recall as to why I would have done this. The cupboard it was in is above the sink not even near the fridge. It is where I keep Polysporin, lotions for the cats when they scratch or their ears. Cough syrup for Tember. No reason for me to put cat food in there.

This got me thinking. For those of you who have followed along on my journey this past winter, you may be or are aware of the fact that I used pills to sedate myself. Easy enough to get over the counter back medicine and I took a lot. As an aside in 4 days I am going to have been clean for 150 days. 5 months. Not a pill at all. Other than my medication and vitamins. Not even when I get headaches.

Okay the brag fest is over. Let me get back to my thoughts. I am beginning to wonder how much damage I have done to myself. Are these little brain stutters due to all the pills that I took?

Than there is the high levels of iron that may (probably has) been caused by my excessive drinking. Liver damage there.

And I have done this all to myself. I am not asking for sympathy but I wonder what further complications I am going to end up developing?

If I could turn back time, well I would not be the woman that I am today. I would be someone different. But I would give anything to have not abused my body and my brain the way that I did.

Premature Love

Photo by Allan Filipe Santos Dias on Unsplash

Laying side by side

hands entwined

you pretend not to notice the tears

that caress my cheeks.

I wonder what is wrong

where is it that I fail you

even when you tell me

that we will be alright.

Time and time again

no matter how slowly I move

no matter how much time I take

you are premature

and I am late.

I wish that just for once

we could be together

at the same time

in the same moment

eyes locked

lips close

breathe intermingled.

I lay awake listening to you breath

my heart breaking in two

our love is never going to match

and I should abandon all hope now.