Brain Stutter

So this week there have been a few odd hitches that have begun to make me think.

  1. I was telling someone about how when I went for a walk on Sunday the side of the road I was on did not have a sidewalk. However, I actually forgot the word sidewalk and while running my hands out like a walkway, said ‘You know the thing, that thing you walk on.’ Oh yeah, I am using it as a great story now. And it proves I can laugh at myself.
  2. I also forgot the word schedule.
  3. Today, when I got up I went to feed the cats. Well,  I would have made them wait but for the meowing of ‘Mom we are so hungry. Mooooooooooooooom feed us feed us now!’ I open up the fridge and stare in there stupified. I really thought that last night I had only used half a can of the cat food. Oh well, maybe I was wrong so I pulled another can out of the cupboard and fed them. I did put that can into the fridge.

I was going to take a lazy day but instead decided that I would clean the apartment. I mean, clean and than have the rest of today, all day Sunday and half the day Monday to myself. As I am cleaning, I go to put away the sandwich bags that have been sitting on the counter. I open the cupboard and lo and behold what the hell do I find? The can of cat food from last night. I honestly have absolutely no recall as to why I would have done this. The cupboard it was in is above the sink not even near the fridge. It is where I keep Polysporin, lotions for the cats when they scratch or their ears. Cough syrup for Tember. No reason for me to put cat food in there.

This got me thinking. For those of you who have followed along on my journey this past winter, you may be or are aware of the fact that I used pills to sedate myself. Easy enough to get over the counter back medicine and I took a lot. As an aside in 4 days I am going to have been clean for 150 days. 5 months. Not a pill at all. Other than my medication and vitamins. Not even when I get headaches.

Okay the brag fest is over. Let me get back to my thoughts. I am beginning to wonder how much damage I have done to myself. Are these little brain stutters due to all the pills that I took?

Than there is the high levels of iron that may (probably has) been caused by my excessive drinking. Liver damage there.

And I have done this all to myself. I am not asking for sympathy but I wonder what further complications I am going to end up developing?

If I could turn back time, well I would not be the woman that I am today. I would be someone different. But I would give anything to have not abused my body and my brain the way that I did.

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Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

I am a single hard working mom in her 40's. I have always written poetry and I love words. I live with depression and its ups downs. This is a space where I can create and write all that I need to.

11 thoughts on “Brain Stutter”

  1. Along with the abuse you have owned up to there are other factors at work so relax. Other things that can cause a foggy brain are things like (here I am forgetting what I wanted to say so bear with me) perimenopause, office overload, stress (yes we all have stress both good and bad)and sometimes doing things by rote that confound you when you discover them. I enjoyed your writing today and am sure there are many of us that have suffered the same fogginess!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been forgetting things a lot lately…the other day, I kid you not, I freaking forgot how I wash dishes. Now I have to explain this…I have a 2 compartment sink (left for washing, right for rinsing, then back to the left side in the drying rack). I had just finished washing, drained the water, and then stood there getting mad because I got soap on the dishes in the right compartment, then I couldn’t remember if I had rinsed the dishes or not…got even madder…I stood there for a good five minutes nearly in tears because I couldn’t remember what I had done to those dishes and what I was supposed to do next. My kid thinks I am now nuts because I called him in to explain how I wash dishes. That was a new low for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. You do not know how much this means to read this. I joke around with customers about my forgetfulness and all laugh but yeah……I understand the whole wtf? I know I know this what the hell is my brain doing? I wonder though if our creativity is siphoning our reality off? Thank you ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Life, no take backs. Frustrating aye. I cycled 200 miles a week for 12 years. Sounds great. But I did it through London traffic during rush hour. I have a few breathing problems now. I imagine it’s chopped a few years off my life. But what do we do? Time travel still hasn’t been invented yet, so we just gotta get on with it. Enjoy what life we have while we can.

    Congrats on being pill free for a good stretch, Jay. 👍

    Liked by 1 person

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