So…….this will be causing some confusion for my most recent followers and those who journeyed with me for awhile are probably thinking ‘um what did she do now?’ It is well known that I fly all over the place and have the strangest thoughts and feelings. This though, this needed to be done.
I crashed hard this passed Winter. I will not reiterate all I went through, for those who would like to know there are multiple blogs written and posted under Depression. I had a drug addiction problem, I was depressed. I did not believe in myself and it all came to a head when I took 30+ pills on December 23rd.
For three months, I did not work. At a job. I worked at myself. Hard. I looked at what caused me to do this. I looked at what I needed to do to make sure that it never happened again. I looked at my life. At what I wanted and needed to do.
T is my number one priority. And being in charge at work left me little time for him. Even when we were together I was always thinking about what had to be done, how it could be done. Staff issues. You name it, I dealt with it. I was short changing him.
My writing. This is my passion. This is what I am meant to do. I have known since I was 6 years old, if not sooner, that I wanted to be a writer. And than life got in the way. I need to reclaim that.
My mental health. While not all issues were work related, my need to appease male authority figures and be perfect related to my past, but I was projecting it forward. And it was killing me.
When I went back I went back with an open mind. No responsibility. See how things went. And you know what? I loved it. The not being responsible part. The not having to manage people. Or follow up with issues. Or making sure this, that and the next thing were done. I go to work, I work, and I come home. With energy for T and my own desires. Hmmmmmmmmmm……..
The last couple of days, my blood pressure has been elevated. I have been playing scene after scene over in my head about telling my boss I was stepping down. And I knew it had to be now. There was no more waiting. I was making myself ill and irritable because I thought I needed to wait. I didn’t.
I discussed this all with T before hand. Some might think what the heck? Talking to a 9 3/4 year old and asking his opinion? Hell ya! This is his life being affected too and I think that as parents we sometimes forget that. I explained to him that my stepping down meant time in morning but would have to work a little later in evening. He looked at me and said, ‘mom I want more time.’ That decided me right than and there.
Let’s get back on track. Today I went to my boss and asked if he had time for me. Finally around 4ish or so he did. I went to his office and while I teared up a little I explained I needed to step aside. T needs me more and that is what matters. The picture at the very top is me right after I gave my notice of stepping down. The second one is of me this evening after I have told everyone I know that I had done it.
There are a few who think that I am going to regret this but they are wrong. T, my mental health and my writing, that is what is important now.
I finally did it! I finally put not only T but myself first and damn but does it feel amazing.