I did it!!!!

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So…….this will be causing some confusion for my most recent followers and those who journeyed with me for awhile are probably thinking ‘um what did she do now?’ It is well known that I fly all over the place and have the strangest thoughts and feelings. This though, this needed to be done.

I crashed hard this passed Winter. I will not reiterate all I went through, for those who would like to know there are multiple blogs written and posted under Depression. I had a drug addiction problem, I was depressed. I did not believe in myself and it all came to a head when I took 30+ pills on December 23rd.

For three months, I did not work. At a job. I worked at myself. Hard. I looked at what caused me to do this. I looked at what I needed to do to make sure that it never happened again. I looked at my life. At what I wanted and needed to do.

T is my number one priority. And being in charge at work left me little time for him. Even when we were together I was always thinking about what had to be done, how it could be done. Staff issues. You name it, I dealt with it. I was short changing him.

My writing. This is my passion. This is what I am meant to do. I have known since I was 6 years old, if not sooner, that I wanted to be a writer. And than life got in the way. I need to reclaim that.

My mental health. While not all issues were work related, my need to appease male authority figures and be perfect related to my past, but I was projecting it forward. And it was killing me.

When I went back I went back with an open mind. No responsibility. See how things went. And you know what? I loved it. The not being responsible part. The not having to manage people. Or follow up with issues. Or making sure this, that and the next thing were done. I go to work, I work, and I come home. With energy for T and my own desires. Hmmmmmmmmmm……..

The last couple of days, my blood pressure has been elevated. I have been playing scene after scene over in my head about telling my boss I was stepping down. And I knew it had to be now. There was no more waiting. I was making myself ill and irritable because I thought I needed to wait. I didn’t.

I discussed this all with T before hand. Some might think what the heck? Talking to a 9 3/4 year old and asking his opinion? Hell ya! This is his life being affected too and I think that as parents we sometimes forget that. I explained to him that my stepping down meant time in morning but would have to work a little later in evening. He looked at me and said, ‘mom I want more time.’ That decided me right than and there.

Let’s get back on track. Today I went to my boss and asked if he had time for me. Finally around 4ish or so he did. I went to his office and while I teared up a little I explained I needed to step aside. T needs me more and that is what matters. The picture at the very top is me right after I gave my notice of stepping down. The second one is of me this evening after I have told everyone I know that I had done it.

There are a few who think that I am going to regret this but they are wrong. T, my mental health and my writing, that is what is important now.

I finally did it! I finally put not only T but myself first and damn but does it feel amazing.

 

 

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Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

I am a single hard working mom in her 40's. I have always written poetry and I love words. I live with depression and its ups downs. This is a space where I can create and write all that I need to.

29 thoughts on “I did it!!!!”

  1. Congrats! Speaking as someone who did that, it does feel extremely liberating. For what’s it worth, my son has always had a say in what we did (major and minor decisions).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is awesome. I have always been in charge so this taking a step back and just being is new. I cannot refute the fact my creativity is blooming. And I want T to learn that his opinion matters. That just because I am the adult does not mean only my thoughts count. His do too and I want him to know his voice counts. Your son must think that is awesome until you make him listen to your music (mom/dad joke) πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Lol…him and I have a “strange” (as others see it) relationship because we are partners in him growing up. It is my job to guide him as he finds out who he is, what he believes, and what he thinks about the world. It’s not my place to tell him those things. That often leads to disagreements when I have to use my experience to overrule his decision (like doing his homework–he got his state test results back and they are all advanced–yeah). He has always had a voice and a right to express himself (and he certainly has) but he also has to accept the consequences of his decisions. We are coming to a new head because he is a little older now, but school is over which reduces most of the stress in the house. Others think our relationship is weird because they live by the “I’m the adult, you’re not” mentality and they have all kinds of issues behind closed doors. We wear our dysfunction proudly everywhere we go…lol. We’ve had people stop us on the street and tell us how nice it is to see cut up and harass each other. We think that’s weird. I have always told my son that his voice and opinion matters, maybe not equally, but always taken into consideration. I am pretty easy going, so it’s not really that hard to find the compromise. He is really easy going (in a semi-controlling way) most of the time. So things work out even though we always argue and disagree on silly things. In the end though, he surprises me every day by the little things he does to show me that there is still a nice, caring young man in there. So, I guess I am doing my job after all. It sounds like you are too. Being a controlling parent is like trying to control the wind. I found being flexible much more enjoyable.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I totally agree with you. I mean how else can we release them into society if we control every aspect of their growing up. We are raising our children to be adults who can reason and accept responsibility. I have people say to me well he is still a child. Yep he is but one day he will be an adult and I need to know that he will be a good one. I am sure he wishes I would lay off sometimes but were you to ask him he would tell you that he likes to know his opinion matters. Oh and people think we are right weird with the way we bug and talk to each other. (I.E. The man tied up under the bed blog Imao)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. See…doing things right then πŸ™‚ Childhood in this house ended at 11…he just refuses to accept that…lol.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. It already has. I woke up this morning feeling content and unworried. I have taken the big step/jump as my brother calls it and now I will move forward with T and see what wonders life has in store for us.

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  2. Great Jay-lyn, I’m glad you feel good and you look relaxed. I’ve been on a 2 year hiatus from work, in May 2016 I told myself it was time to put me first and I feel much better today…
    I’m sure your son is really happy too…

    Take things easy girl, what’s for you will come in it’s time :):)

    Marts…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I feel a sense of great contentment. And T did a happy dance when I told him last night what I had done. The weight I use to carry, poof, gone just like that. And I feel amazing. Energized. Eager to see what is coming next. Life is calling (to sound cliched) and I am ready to answer. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My daughter and I have been without her dad since she’s 2 (she’s 18 now). So I’ve told her a lot of things that the typical kid doesn’t hear. Making time for ourselves and our kids is the best thing we can do for ourselves as moms and as PEOPLE. Thanks for sharing your journey. Can’t wait to hear more.

    Liked by 1 person

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