Sad so Sad…….

I am not exactly sure what is going on with me. At first I thought that I was morose. Than I looked up the definition and no that is not me. All I can say is I am feeling a little off. And it has not just been one day, no this has been going on since Monday.

Monday I slept in as late as I could before getting up and getting ready for work. I worked at 8 so what I really did was skip the workout, breakfast and coffee. So let’s put my mood down to that.

Tuesday. I got up at 5. Worked out, was ready to go before I even woke T up at 7. Yet still the feeling prevails.

I know something is off because truthfully, I am not my fun loving bubbly self at all. I can barely muster the energy to talk to customers at work.

I thought that as Monday and Tuesday were grey gloomy rain days, that that was all it was. I mean, T and me we fought again yesterday morning but now, I shrug my shoulders and lock myself in my bedroom. It was my fault for his shoes being wet as I made him walk home in the rain on Monday. Yep, evil mom that I am he had to walk home in the rain.

I can look for every excuse but there are none. I cannot explain what this feeling is other than off. I want to weep. I want to lay here cuddling my pillow and sob. But why? That my friends is the elusive question. I have no reason to be feeling down or sad. Work is great. My friends are great. T, well T is T. He is good when he wants to be and no so good when he doesn’t want to be.

My poetry is going well. I have no complaints there.

I want to cry. I want to be held while I cry. For no real reason but that I need to cry. Long hard sobs where I am gasping for breath and unable to speak. I do not know what is causing this giant hole I just know that I feel it and it is there.

I do not want to fall down the rabbit hole. I want to get back to the me I have been for the last while. I am sad. I am going to go and lock myself in my room and cry. I am sorry for being so depressive this evening when of late I have been on cloud 9. Hoping that this will pass soon.

 

Shipwreck

Neon lips
speak empty platitudes
promises remain broken
handshakes are used to test a man’s mettle
while rights and laws
are raped and repealed.
Eyes haunted with indignity
unable to fathom the signs seen
children kept captive in cages
poked and prodded
as though they were dogs up for sale.
Pimps and abusers
walking the canyon walls
sere each consciousness with fear
besting each one with only one word:
‘boogeyman’.
Who is this boogeyman that they fear?
Is he a God?
Is he a Devil?
Nay he is  a mere man
with power in his hands
desrtuction in his heart
amoral
his heros are other men
who have bullied
petrified
pillaged
murdered
and no one shall stand.
Lost in a becalmed sea
water surrounding all sides
sharks can smell the founting blood
all they need to do
is wait for the ship to go down.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 13/18
Picture via: Photo by Anton Repponen on Unsplash