Help?

Can you help me?
I need to excise these feelings.
I need to eradicate this love.
I need to eliminate my heart
will you show me how?
Like ‘Insensitive’
that song keeps playing in my mind
I wonder was I to pass the time?
Many a morning
an evening too
I watched you grow smaller
in the rear view.
Had I known
the last time there
would be my last
I would have savored the moment more
those few precious seconds
I was wrapped in your arms.
Ties that bind
shaking my head
to clear
memories I still hold dear
remembrances of your scent
the heavy feel of your arm pulling me close
as my head rested
listening to your heartbeat.
That steady thrum
helped me to sleep
many a night
when monsters tortured my dreams.
Now alone
the monsters are free to roam
there is no protector
no white knight
saving me
with a vicious uppercut
and double edged sword.
Please…..
fight for me
slay dragons for me
keep me safe
why do we run
when really we both need to be?
Speak clear
tell me true
should I get over you?
I cannot.
I know….
I know that I am building a fantasy
but
never have you told me not to.
All I want to know
all I need to know
is…….
do you love me still?
 
January 17/19
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Untitled Poem Daily Word #14

I am not even sure what to say.
I do not want to feel this way.
Believe me I am not trying to lay more on your plate
I honestly just need you to understand.
Love
trust
I believed in you
I wanted you
want you
when you told me you loved me
I wonder
did you mean true?
I cannot let the images go
tears
a constant pressure behind my eyes
all I want
is to be back in your arms.
Oh my god
I cannot stop
I cry every night
because I miss you so
whether or not you miss me
I still do not know.
At first I thought it was an obsession
but it is not
for images of you strike me
memories of us
lay me bare
I am sorry
I love you so
forgive me please
I am trying to let you go.
I do not want to.
I know I have to.
This intricate dance we do
one step forward
three back
is a seduction of the mind
of the senses.
Do you know
how little it would take
on your behalf
to make me stay?
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you……
I will miss you until the end.
January 16/19

Bombs Away

Despite the fact that my title is a little light hearted what occurred was not. All I can say is I am thankful that T was a little shit this morning and we were running behind schedule.

As we sat in the drive-thru at Tim’s my phone started to ring. At first I was confused and then realized it was my ringtone going off. Grabbed my phone saw it was from the school division and answered. I will admit to some confusion because it was not 9 yet….they should not have been calling me. Also it was coming from the school division rather than the school.

I answered. Yes I know that it is illegal but I was in a drive thru. With the phone to my ear listening. And my heart stopped.

We live in a safe city. Not that there is not crime there is but we are Canadian. We do not worry about bombs or school shootings. Our city still has a small town feel to it. I do believe our high school was shut down once last year due to a ‘gun’ being seen/talked about in school. Nothing more.

So when I answered the phone to an automated message that T’s school had received a bomb threat I listened. Bomb was to be detonated at noon. RCMP were on site. A search was on. I hung up and burst into tears.

Yes, T was sitting right next to me. I am sure he was delighted that the morning was going to be spent at home. Given that he had been begging to stay home with me. Today is my day off.

I live in a bubble. Well not a bubble, given that I am aware of world issues, I am not stupid enough to think that crime does not happen here, but we watch the news from the states and think, ‘not here, not at my child’s school.’ Well it happened at my child’s school and my heart stopped. I would have been freaking right out had I already dropped T off at school and received the message when I got home.

I received no less than 5 phone calls and 5 emails updating me on the situation. And they even numbered them. The school moved the kids to a safe location. The staff and bus drivers were willing to wait with the students no matter how long it took. By message 4 they indicated where the kids were and parents could come and pick them up. Children would have to be signed out.

A suspect had been identified. It turned out to be a student hoax. The thought had crossed my mind that maybe some kid had a test but didn’t want to take…..so they called in a bomb threat.

T did not go to school even after the all clear was sounded. He told me he was scared. How could they be sure it was a hoax? What if there were other people involved? He did not want to blow up. Was he playing on my emotions? I don’t know. But I do know that I was not going to stress him out by making him go to school.

I can not even begin to imagine what parents whose children are involved in school shootings go through. My heart stopped. T is my world. My sun. My moon. My stars. And this when he was sitting right next to me. Reality is beginning to rise it’s head, no longer is the city I live in safe.

I have been weepy today. I hate sometimes that my imagination is so good as it is……

I can imagine anything. In vivid detail. To my detriment….I can make myself cry with what I imagine. What if……

I am glad that it was determined to be a student hoax.

I am glad that I had T home with me.

I am scared of what will come.

This is only the beginning……

Picture via: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stealth_aircraft

 

Untitled Poem Daily Word #13

Let me lay
in your arms
one more time
before we say good-bye….
I promise
I won’t cry.
I long for you.
I compare others to you.
I am just a fool.
I watch the crowd pass before me
eyes searching
for the one who is not there.
I listen to the traffic outside my window
wishing it was you I could hear.
I know
(shoulder shrug)
you do not want me…..
damn maybe you do…..
we do not know
how to restart again.
There is no plan
no design
I would like to know
is there a possibility?
I suppose
if you did
(have a plan)
you would reach out
on bended knee
begging me please
not to walk away from you.
Alas
this fantasy I see
this love that I feel
is it the same for you?
I am so sorry.
I cry.
I shudder
sobs tearing through me.
I am on my knees
making you uncomfortable
because…..
I make you feel.
I make you miss
the love we shared.
Time….. 
slow moving
fast moving
ebbing away. 
I need to know
so I can finally let go
if it is never meant to be.
January 15/19

Ignore

Dreams of you……
I rose with tears in my eyes
pillow soaked 
for images I was sure I had buried
are raging through my head.
I want to be so angry.
I want to scream
rail
storm
revile you to all I know
but I cannot.
I want to hide.
Memories
strong 
good
us together
dance passed.
Cowering behind the door
hiding from the monsters of our past
I cannot go on.
I cannot….. 
I cannot…..
I cannot…..
Summer’s sweet blush
a love once true
that could have been us.
Heart wrecked
shredded 
torn
destroyed 
in one callous act.
Today I wish I could say goodbye.
Instead 
a physical ache
grips my body tight
wracking me
shattering my bones
while I scream at the night.
Everyone wonders
why I cannot let go
why I still love you so.
How do I explain
that you relit the passion
that had been missing from my life?
I miss your arms.
I have forgotten the taste of your lips.
When next you see me
gaze upon me fondly
quietly ignoring the tears.
January 14/19
Photo by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

Untitled Relationship Poem #4

Sadness.
Inevitable.
A cloak of darkness
a mantle
blankets me
entering my heart
shredding my emotions
making me cry.
Tears fall from blinded  eyes.
In the corner I stand
eyes furtive
settling on no one
calling no attention to myself.
I wonder how I can be so lonely
in a room full of people.
I move
a shadow
brief stirring of air
as I pass
leaving the room .
None notice.
I have made no impression.
I am not the one you are looking for
when your eyes rove around the room.
I am not the one.
Never was I the one.
You played with me
toyed with me
adoration shining from my eyes
unable to see
but a brief stop was I
you never meant to stay.
Tears fall
crumpled in a heap
loneliness assaulting 
black bottomless pain
ripping me apart.
January 13/19

Devil’s Own

I dream.
I watch.
I feed upon pain
rage
anguish
bloated with sin.
Tell me true
what fucking game
do you play?
Images unseen
lids sealed
I pretend
incensed
feeding upon….
waste
upon…..
envy
upon…..
fear.
Honey
watch me make you  burn.
Images
dancing beneath lids
crackling fire
backdrop for stars
cold
empty.
Espy
I will wave hello
watching
flames consuming
demons crunching on your soul.
Oooops…..
did I forget to tell?
Embraced as hell’s own
guess what baby
now you have to pay what is due.
You never knew.
You warned me.
I……
well honey
I warned you too
that hell would make you pay….
should you….
fuck with the devil’s own.
You thought
I was another mouthpiece
hot air
speaking without authority…..
Oh baby
did you think I was foolin?
I warned you true
fuck with me
hell will want you.
Sitting upon my granite throne
watching you dance
amongst the flames.
Exquisite revenge
petty feelings
swirl through
as you writhe in pain.
Justified?
Only time will tell.
 
January 13/18
Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash