Settled Truth

The….. 

oh 

my fucking god…..

pain 

ripping my soul

my being

in two.

I sit

alone 

late at night

blackness

lit by blue glow

radiating from the t.v.

Anguish 

undone.

Pull me close

lungs collapse

it hurts to breath

tears steak down my cheeks

I am finally alone

finally able to

let my feelings run.

Pain

curling in on myself

memories

drowning images in alcohol

sodden

lost time

let me blackout

let me block out 

the history…..

please….. 

please…..

let me forget.

No matter….. 

how many

men

women

I take to my bed

the reminders of you

the taste

the touch

hover out of reach.

Make me feel

lost

alone

aside

undesired

I am sorry 

I became so cold.

Did I though?

Shut you out?

Always made to feel

I am the issue

everyone else

darlings of trade

watching me weep.

Wrapped in white

feather soft snow

a cloak 

hiding me 

hiding you

lost in time 

I will never find.

Climbing mountains

picking away

chisling so I can be okay

you know naught

insurmountable

these walls we build

keeping each other out

keeping all at arm’s length

easier to pretend

to ignore

the settled truth.

 

January 4/19