I Dare You!

This morning started off great. T and me were getting along. I had a great poem for Word of the Day Challenge. Granted it was a poem that I wrote in December but I was able to rework it to include today’s word instigate.  T was happy but around the corner lurked sloth and surly boy. Oh man was the drive to school fun. 
Had asked him to feed the cats. Came back from starting car and found cat food all over the floor. Triggered the omg are you serious reaction. T could not fathom why I was so irate. His response ‘just leave it mom the cats will eat it.’ Seriously child! I cleaned the apartment yesterday I am not leaving cat food all over the floor.
Next came the sweater fiasco. Ten minutes it took sloth boy ten minutes to locate and shove said sweater into his backpack. When I told him for what felt like the hundredth time to get moving he yells at me ‘I am doing my best! Have you never heard of doing one’s best?’
T stomps up the stairs muttering and me I state how I am the world’s worst mother ever. Of course I was challenged and told that never was I mean. Oh that tune was about to change and quickly.
As we are driving through the Co-op parking lot I thanked T for listening to me and not attempting to take his Xbox with him. Well now, I should have said nothing because what came next is so dramatic. T begins to cry. (Well fake cry) I begin to explain again about consequences for his actions. His attitude needs to change and fast. Back and forth we go until we get to the point where I am now a very mean mom. How could I do this to him? Why could he not just be happy? Why did I have to ruin his life? And again why could he not be allowed to be happy??
When I reminded him there was no gaming either with friends well I might as well have told him….whatever I said would have had no larger impact than him finding out he is not going to be allowed on-line to play games with his friends this weekend. 
So attitude began to pour out of him and I said to T that if this kept up I was going to take the Xbox away and there would be no gaming with his friends for a whole month. 
‘I dare you’ T screams at me.
‘You dare me? Keep this shit up kid and you will see what I dare to do.’
‘Well than there is no godda-darn way I am going to spend the month with you. I am going to go and stay at dad’s.’
I laughed. I realize not the best response but seriously? 
‘Okay dude you ask your dad if you can stay with him for a month because mom is so mean that she took my Xbox away for a month. Ask him and let me know what he says please.’
Oh if looks could kill. 
I pull up to the school and look at T.
‘Have a good day buddy.’
‘I am not getting out of the car.’
‘Well you kind of have to, I need to get to work.’
‘i am not getting out of the car.’
‘Get out of the car now!’
Thankfully he listened. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get him out of the car. It wasn’t like I could pull him out. He is a solid kid.  He slammed the door shut. Slammed and did not look back or wave to me as he walked into the school.
When I got to work I was telling my supervisor about it and I had tears because I was laughing so hard. Than she pointed out to me what could he do because he spends the nights here during the week he is at his dad’s. Which sent me into another burst of laughter.
Fast forward to when T gets dropped off at 9:30. He comes in and is all cheerful and telling me how he is legally blind. I did not get it. I still don’t. It has something to do with Youtube. 
I got the full rundown of the school day. His fort had been broken. He had a math test he is positive he failed. He has to be finished his book by Friday. I asked where the homework was and he grins telling me they did no ‘paper’ work while he was home sick.
Finally he winds down and is wandering around the kitchen. Being the mean mom that I am I had to ask if T had asked his dad if he could stay there for a month. Obvious answer being no. He straightens up looks over at me and says: ‘Mom I am sorry for this morning. I know that it is late but I am sorry.’
I thanked him and told him that I really appreciated him saying that.
T had complained that there was nothing to do at his dad’s without the Xbox. I told him he could spend time with his dad. Well dad is always in shop. Than go out there!!!! And he did. He spent the evening in the shop with his day. Helped him with some work. 
I am hoping that we will go forward and sloth and surly boy will remain totally out of the picture. I am not deluded though, I know that they will return. As I am sitting here typing all of a sudden T starts yelling: ‘Mom……mom……mom…..moooooooooom’
‘What?’
‘I love you.’
There is nothing left to say. 
 
January 23/19

Hello? Goodbye?

Memories
flood
all I have left.
Better times
not laced with tears
fears
deception.
I still want you.
(I instigate each call)
I miss you.
(Reaching out for you)
I know my worth.
(Or I thought I did.
Now I am not sure)
Yet you…
you bring me to my knees.
I would do anything
to feel your lips
your arms
your body pressed to mine.
Friends
stare
incredulous.
What the hell?
How can I forget?
How can I not know myself?
Taken by the shoulders
shaken
slap me upside the head
voices battering….
me?
Shutting down.
Wrapped in the corner
arms around
face shuttered
hidden
black shadows dancing
howling
let me hide under the bed.
I want to be.
I want to live.
I want to decide
do I live
do I die
how to I make this hurt disappear?
Stepping back
find the boundary
set the stakes
you want me
come
crawl
beg
still not sure I should forgive.
I need to think
I need to decide
another chance
or do I say good-bye?
January 23/18
**This was previously written but updated to include today’s word of the day.