13 Days

Black cats
broken mirrors
never walk under the ladder.
All bad luck….. 
so they say.
Never did you meet 
a man 
with luck as bad
as Dilly Bean.
Began as a baby
he fell from his crib
not a dent on his head to be found.
Some good mixed with bad.
As a toddler
he shot his dad.
As a child
he set fire to the mall.
As a teen
he impregnated the home coming queen.
Now you may a’wonder
where is the good spoken of?
This is all……
disconcerting.
An adult Dilly Bean
did all he could
to recompense
for the bad he brought to town.
It worked
all the townspeople
breathed a sigh of relief.
Settle in for the tale to tell
twisted it is 
none would ever know.
Came a gypsy cavern
lead by Granny Mae.
Stopped she did
at Dilly Bean’s
calling him to head.
He sidled up
afraid what would be found
when
boop
Granny Mae touched his soul.
Jinxed he had been
since before birth
now all could rest
his affliction could not longer hurt.
March 31/19
Image by 동철 이 from Pixabay 
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Lessons Learned

This started off as a daily post has turned into a rambling full of everything post. 
 
Today started off well enough. T seemed to be in a great mood until he wasn’t. One of his daily chores is to empty out his school bag. Lunch kit. Not hard chore I am not asking him to scrub between the tiles with a toothbrush. Last night he ‘forgot’ given he had to take out the garbage. Clean the cat litter. Put dishes away. How could I expect him to remember everything?
I make his lunch and put it into a plastic bag. T comes out and says he brought his lunch kit home and I should put his lunch in there. I said no you should have cleaned out your bag last night.
This lead to a couple of tirades which I listened to. T thought he was winning. Than he bombshells well attempts to bombshell shame me (me ha I am shameless) with ‘you know mom people are going to start to think we are poor!’ I took a sip of my coffee peering over the rim at him. ‘T I do not care what people think about us I know our truth.’
T sat there staring at me and could think of no good come back so he just glared at me. Forced him to come into living room with me. Had more ranting and raving. And demanding to know why he had to come out 10 minutes before we had to leave. Which lead to the conversation about his ability to slow down time. 
Seriously this kid has a great super power that I wish I had had. He can control time. Not in the speed it up so work day is over but sloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwsssssss it all the way down. Told him that he could turn 5 minutes into 15. I was told I had no patience. I am trying not to laugh but this conversation…..
Next I told him hoping he would understand  that he could turn a minute into an hour. He counted to sixty. I said trying to remember it was a metaphor. Apparently I am making up words. Tried to explain and was told he did not want to learn any more new words. Google it. For my knowledge and I was wrong. Still can’t remember what the word is to define the minute/hour analogy? I will google that too.
T is beyond pissed off at me. We get into the car and he is glaring out the window when it hits me. 
‘OMG buddy I am so sorry, I forgot how dramatic it is to be your age!’
T looks over at me. I am grinning like an idiot. T is so not impressed.
‘Text Chichi buddy she will tell you all about my dramatic personality.’
I am dramatic. And Chichi is waiting for his text. 
Driving T to school and I am chattering away. It is math quiz day. T is struggling with math. I am doing the best that I can to help him. New math sucks. The whole write it all out is ridiculous….let me tell you the math I learned which is the same as T is learning but longer and well…….
I told T that all I expected from him was his best. He is still glaring out the window. So I continue to chatter away…..telling him that I know he always gives his best….does his best…..but every so often he just needs a little pinch in the bum to goose him along. LMAO his head whipped around so fast and he was trying so hard but I caught the giggle.
Dropped the boy off at school.
Our week was like this. Back and forth. One day all was good. One day I was evil. 
We head into spring break. 
This week has been glorious. For the first time since December 2018 I am alone all week. Walk around the house naked. Yes I had T and K (his bff) for one night. That is all. M K’s mom and one of my BFF’s has basically had them all week long. Saturday to Tuesday with M. Tuesday night me. Wed through til Fri with the ex. He he he he. Fri to Sunday with M. 
I was given the option to take T and K for an extra night. Oh hell no. No no no. 
T and me are home before the whole week long visit/hang out starts.
‘Hey mom??’
‘Yes???’ he never asks without an ulterior motive.
‘I was thinking. You know if I was an adult and I had my kid as much as you have me, were my ex wife to have extra time off, I would insist that she take them. That is only fair.’
I stammered a little…….but he pashwed me. 
‘Mom I know that you love me……but we need time.’
My boy. He is the light and love of my life. He is also without a doubt a carbon copy of me in the male form. Not sure if I mentioned but T asked me not that long ago if anyone ever said that he and I looked alike. He is physically an amalgamation of his father and myself.  Mom recently mentioned that she noticed T and K (his cousin) had the same smile Someone (I think is was M-K’s mom) said that from the nose down T is me.
He is sassy. He is smart ass. He has some come backs that make me bite my tongue. Do not giggle. To giggle means he wins.
Once upon a time…..I was told that the reason my mom and me butted heads so bad….why me and that idiot brother of mine always were at one another’s throats……we are all too damn similar. 
T and me……he is the male version of me. So much younger. But I can look at him and I can see…..which is why I mock myself….laugh and tease……being a tween/teen is hard enough……never mind having all the adults in your life riding you. So I do my best to let T know…..mistakes happen…..lessons are hard to learn sometimes……let us do the best we can and the rest will fall a-line.  

Tempest Howls

Left in the wind
howling
full moon
calling blood to surface
bringing me to my knees.
Tempest
storm unacknowledged
swimming against the tide
fighting
desperate
I will make it back
crawl upon the shore
gaze up in weariness at the stars on high.
Count my blessings
there are none
only a cold darkness
that condemns.
Curled in a ball
curled in on my soul
desperate to make myself feel
desperate to make myself forget
contradiction
this I know
but you know not
see not
the rotting damage within.
See not
the reel of film
on autoplay
over and over
ravaging of my being
my heart
broken when so little.
No one cares
no one attempted to shelter
I have been alone
alone
always I shall be.
Pain
would that you could feel
sharp
blinding
no one can save
I am dying
care to acknowledge your part
your destination in this plot?
I thought not
Father wolf shall come
ready to rip out your throat.
Sit upon your chest
muzzle soaked through
gentle lick of the cheek
salted tears gone
head upon his fur
steady heartbeat
he is my protector
he is my……
Fuck you.
 
March 28/19
Image by GimpWorkshop from Pixabay

Keeper

Silver chimes
tolling
ringing
lost
muffled within scored heart.
My lip
curls in disgust
I never believed
you would do this
to us.
Mockery made
of vows
of respect
of tenderness.
I fetch
vomiting blackness
my soul evading
talons of sin
even as the devils scream
frustrated
they cannot get in.
Cavernous
hell fire
rings of sin
watched over by myself
minions
glory bleeds.
Given that special sanction
Satan’s most hated
given to me
for my disgust
my hatred
my rage
make me the worst of jail keepers.
Chained
splayed for flaying
molesters
monsters
destroyers
all fall beneath my whip.
Baby you are a bitch.
Warned you I did
told you
I was my father’s child
suicide
death
murder
I am the keeper
of all these sick desires.
 
March 28/19
Image by Jonny Lindner from Pixabay

My Bad

Silver silences
whispers
caress
my body
my heart 
they yearn for you.
Memories of your warmth
your kindness
intertwoven with anger
violent
scary.
It was good
than it wasn’t…..
my heart bled
rivers of tears
sodden
can I fall in love?
Missing you
I tell lies
I blindly ignore the truth.
You made me a queen…..
you made me a fool…..
you made me dance 
unto your tune.
I want you
I need you
I desire
I despise
emotions blindly assumed.
my bad
should know
time cannot be turned back.
 
March 28/19
Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

Phoenix

Prancing
dancing
light on my toes
shadows my friends
as I blend
bleed 
face on front
wanting to play.
Games
bitter
harsh
testing strength
heart
mind 
soul
who will win?
You
or 
I?
Words
batter
shatter
control…..
moods
thoughts
desires…..
Your entire world
which I will shatter
destroy 
cause to combust
with impish delight.
Make you pay
yes I will
for obliterating my world.
Tit for tat 
and all that
tis only fair
no?
Ravaging 
bodies etched with scars
come together
in battle we will
but only one will return…..
free.
March 27/19
Image by Jonny Lindner from Pixabay