New Year…..New Me…..New Decade….New Everything

I watched the sun rise
faint pink blush
golden pulses fill the sky
hues of purple
sense of serenity
sense of peace
finally here
in my happy place.
I struggled.
I abused myself.
I tried to hide.
I am not that little girl.
I am not that frightened teenager.
I am not that beaten/destroyed woman.
No longer afraid…..
of what life has to offer.
To dream.
To love.
To chase what I want.
To be me…..
Writer.
Mother.
Daughter.
Sister.
There is more to me
than these four facets…..
there is adoration
there is pride
there is determination…..
I leave behind me
a decade/life time
of pain
of anger/rage
of despair
of thoughts no longer there.
I begin this New Year
this New Decade
strong
beautiful
and solely
100 %
Me.
©Dec. 31/19
Picture is my own

Charmed Monsters

Longing
yearning
ever so tired
grey is the day
this life
this path I trod.
Where is the light?
Where is the joy?
No Eden can I find.
The past…..
Free wheeling
dealing card after card
pain
humility
hungering
feeding upon the blackness
the evil
rooted within.
My past…..
No longer allowed to define
to dictate…..
Cut away
carve away
sword
epee
skewered to the ground
demons chained
eased with dosed medication
mine to do with as I will.
These daemons
still reside within
gentle murmurs
holding pain
holding fear
now my protectors
I need no longer beware.
Sanctuary found
hellions bound
labor of love.
This me
beauty and beast
all rolled into one.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture is part of my Positivity wall

Love’s Desire

Salt laden breeze
strokes my face
tender caress
memory
eyes closed
lips parted
scent of you
surrounds me.
Tear
unbidden
rolls over my cheek.
Smokey dreams
fade with the sunrise
ache
deep seated
pretending all is fine
ruby red lips
creased in fake smile
eyes heavy lidded
shuttered.
Sand
streams between fingers
night scent
leaning back
eyes land upon gleaming star
and
for but a moment
I wish
my dreams to come true
love for me
love for you
a blend of two souls…..
©Dec. 29/19
Picture is my own

Word of the Day Challenge #79-Untitled Poem

Woven
fantasies
dreams
of what I really want.
I try to deny
pretend
that love is an idea
not anything I am meant for.
Pain deflected
sly smile
shuttered eyes
I have released hope
allowed it to sail away
never to come back.
This heart of mine
colored black
barb wired sharp
honed to strike
asp bite
bitter tears cried
why
where did it
do I go wrong?
Why when I peek
let my fantasies through
love is first on the list
to hold
to have
to be desired
that is all I…..
taking a hiatus
following a path of my own
what come shall be of my own making
no more running
no more fleeing
I am opening myself to everything.
©Dec. 28/19
Picture is my own

Power Returned

***Picture is my own***

Well now this is a bit of a longer whisp of thought but only that I need to write the set up.

Tember was at his dad’s for Monday night and would be dropped off at home Tuesday afternoon for Christmas Eve. Which meant I could lounge around as my shift did not start until 10 a.m. on the 24th. It was not too cold so I did not need to go out early to start the car.

9:35 a.m. I got bundled up headed out the door and pull the car key from my pocket. Only to realize that it is shorter. Significantly shorter. I stared at it stupidly for a moment as I tried to figure out if it was always this short and I was a moron or had it broken.

Tried it on the car door. Nope not working. Called the ex’s home phone. No answer. Called the ex’s cell. No answer. Call work. Panicked. Nearly in tears. OMG I am going to be late for work. Called my boss hoping to catch her so she could pick me up. The one time she forgets her phone at home. Called P one of my besties and fearing I had woke her up hesitantly asked if she could come and give me a ride to work. She could.

I came back in the apartment. Called work. I am trying to figure out how to get home after work. How do I get to work on the 26th? I am on holidays next week so could deal with it then. I text the ex and let him know what had happened. I was at a loss.

As I climbed the stairs to wait for P tears in my eyes I stopped suddenly. What the hell?

‘Jay,’ I said to myself a little sternly, ‘this is something that is completely out of your control. You did not make the key snap. You did not do any of this. So why are you getting so worked up? There is nothing you can do right now so calm down.’

And like that I did. My heart settled and I no longer felt as though on the verge of a panic attack. I felt so powerful taking back my ability to control myself and my emotions. I did not lose it as I would have before. Cursing and angry. I realized that I was not going to allow this small thing to derail my day.

Off I went to work and used the story as a part of my day. Got the name of a locksmith. Ex came and got my keys. He was going to see what he could do for me. Had a great day at work. And it became even better when ex messaged to say that keys were cut and he would leave them with Tember when he dropped him off. I was ecstatic. And to top it off the ex wished me a Merry Christmas. The keys were my gift.

Two years ago…….a year ago……six months ago……I would have let the whole key situation bother me. I would have been down all day. How could this happen? And at Christmas? Not this time. This time I chose to not allow it to dictate my day.

There is a power in this. I have had another step forward in my personal growth. This is not to say that I am never going to get upset again…..and lose my temper over something so trivial……however if I continue to catch these small things and correct them…..learn from them…..I evolve more and more into the glorious woman I be.

Dec. 26/19

P.S. To top it off I went to lock the apartment door only to have my door key nearly snap off. Thank goodness I can use Tember’s. Never rains but pours……And I am still smiling. 🙂

Word of the Day Challenge #78-Untitled Poem

It began innocently
a conversation
getting to know you
getting to know me
were we compatible
would we fit?
Scared…..
I was.
Pain still lingered in my heart
covered with shattered glass
I would not let you near
would not let you feel me
hiding my face from your glance.
Illusion 
all I allowed you to find.
Words
soft
sweet
whispered in my ear
whispered against my skin
your hand covered mine own
pulled me close
lip to lip
you shut me up.
A single kiss
reaching to the depths of my soul
igniting a passion
igniting a desire
unlike any I had experienced before.
Pulled close
body to body
you made me…..
beautiful…..
wanted…..
enjoyed…..
Leaving me craving
always craving
more.
©Dec. 26/19
Picture via PInterest

Silenced Lips

Quiet
I wait
body a tingle
nerves afire
knowing that bliss
is coming to the door.
Knock
knock
knock
my heart bangs
butterflies in stomach
smile dances around my lips
as I kneel
head down
anticipating your touch.
Fingers through my hair
grasping
pulling me up
to look into your eyes
to brush your tongue
gentle
while I tremble
heat building.
I want to submit to you
give to you 
my being.
Smile at me
tease me with your words
caress me
bring me to the edge
leave me gasping
begging
for you.
Sate your desire
slacken my lust
burn bright together
in eternal bliss.
©Dec. 24/19
Picture via Pinterest