Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own