Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 

Do you see?

Frightened eyes

closed to pain

closed to darkness

absorbed

wrapped in a past

chains biting

reality a rarity

easier to be drunk

easier to be stoned

numbed by pills

aching to be held

no one is there

only myself.

Do you hear?

In ears

stoppered

closed

voices still penetrate

scolding

abusing

no one loves

no one wants

kill yourself

no one will care.

Never ceasing.

Constant tirade of my thoughts

berating

my wrongness

my loneliness

a barrage of self abuse

for I am worthless.

How far do you fall?

I fell.

I continued to fall

a lazy

constant summer circle

no safety net

only a desperate need to control

to destroy

to silence that voice.

How does one gauge?

How does one decide to live or to die?

How can one want to live so badly

yet want to die too?

I chose to live.

I choose to live.

The tears I shed

for the little girl

so long unprotected

for the woman

who hid so long.

I chose to live.

I chose to accept…..

I am pain.

I am rage.

I am fierce protection.

I am the little girl

the teenager

the scalded woman

become anew

into the strong beautiful woman that is me.

©Dec. 23/19

Picture is my own