Kaboom!

Today has been two years since my massive Kaboom! This poem is about that. 
Do you see?
Frightened eyes
closed to pain
closed to darkness
absorbed
wrapped in a past
chains biting
reality a rarity
easier to be drunk
easier to be stoned
numbed by pills
aching to be held
no one is there
only myself.
Do you hear?
In ears
stoppered
closed
voices still penetrate
scolding
abusing
no one loves
no one wants
kill yourself
no one will care.
Never ceasing.
Constant tirade of my thoughts
berating
my wrongness
my loneliness
a barrage of self abuse
for I am worthless.
How far do you fall?
I fell.
I continued to fall
a lazy
constant summer circle
no safety net
only a desperate need to control
to destroy
to silence that voice.
How does one gauge?
How does one decide to live or to die?
How can one want to live so badly
yet want to die too?
I chose to live.
I choose to live.
The tears I shed
for the little girl
so long unprotected
for the woman
who hid so long.
I chose to live.
I chose to accept…..
I am pain.
I am rage.
I am fierce protection.
I am the little girl
the teenager
the scalded woman
become anew
into the strong beautiful woman that is me.
©Dec. 23/19
Picture is my own

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

I am a single hard working mom in her 40's. I have always written poetry and I love words. I live with depression and its ups downs. This is a space where I can create and write all that I need to.

90 thoughts on “Kaboom!”

  1. I’m glad you made it to the place where you can write this, from where you are now (sometimes it’d be cool if I was better at telling myself stuff like that).
    Beautiful picture, too.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I had compliments and was in a great mood. Everything was amazing and when I look back on the woman I am so sorry that I took so long to hear what was being said. Although I would not be me without those experiences. Merry Christmas!!

        Like

    1. Thank you so much. I am so proud of how far I have come and how well I am now doing. Once I never thought I would get this far. Once I thought I might not be alive but I am here and I fight every day to be the best me I can be. 🤓💜

      Like

  2. I walked with you, every single step you took out of that desperately dark place you were locked inside, I read your words and walked at your side! Powerful imagery, powerful words, powerful emotions!
    I am so very happy to know you are good now, in a good place now, strong now. I would have been the worse for not knowing you. You are a stunning poet! You are a stunning woman and you should cry with tears of joy for who you are today. And, that’s twice you’ve made me cry today missus! stop it! 😀 ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m proud of you! And I’m glad nothing happened to you otherwise we’d never met and you would never know how awesome it is to have a brother 1,000 miles away from you. And oddly close… 🤔😝😁

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Because you’re ashamed to admit I’m your brother. It’s not like any guy really wants that title to begin with but I proudly took the hit and this is the thanks you give me.

        I’m your brother and 1st cousin but dangit im family!! 😝

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If all the world was paper
        And all the sea was ink
        And all the trees were made of bread and cheese
        What would we have to drink?

        Liked by 1 person

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