Did You Turn the Lights Out?

Well me and my warped humor have struck again. I have now moved from being the cool funny mom to being ‘that’  mom. And the fact that I laugh at my own jokes seems to make matters worse. But laugh I do. To the point where I am crying. Besides if I don’t mess with Tember’s head who will?
Tember has this really bad habit. Really bad. He turns lights on. Hall. Bathroom. Kitchen. Upper hallway. You name it he turns it on. What he does not do is turn them off. That is right…..no matter how many times I remind him…..nag him……bully him as he would say…..this kid is incapable of turning lights off.
This week the ex dropped Tember off a few nights. Tuesday evening he arrives home knocks on the door and as he opens it hollers ‘helloooooooooooooo’ so I did not hear him lock the door. This bothers me for one main reason…..he has been known to get distracted and forget to lock the door. He comes down the stairs and the hallway light to the stairs goes on…..the kitchen light well I had left the one on over the stove so it was good for now…..bathroom light……hallway light and his room. Every light blazing. Our conversation is as follows:
Me: Buddy did you lock the door?
Tember: Yes.
Me: Did you turn the lights out?
Tember: What?
Me: Did you turn the lights out?
Tember: Why?
Me: Did you turn the lights out? You turn them on but not off! Have you turned the lights off?
We go back and forth me asking Tember getting more and more annoyed and once I start to giggle…..things got even more annoying.
Me: (for like the thousandth time) Buddy did you turn the lights out?
Tember: Mom seriously that is enough. Enough ok? You are not funny.
Me: Hey buddy did you turn the lights out? You still have not told me. And are you sure that you locked the door?
Tember (sighing exasperated as I am giggling): Mom I locked the door. I will turn the lights out I swear.
Me: I don’t believe you.
Tember: Mom that is enough you are not funny.
He putters around the kitchen putting his lunch containers in the sink. Bathroom and of course the lights are still on. I am laying in bed chortling watching but at same time I am in need of reassurance. I need for him to check to door.
Now….I have at this time gotten out of bed turned all the lights off and crawled back into bed. Why did I not check the door myself you might ask? Turning lights out does not require glasses checking that the door is locked does…..Jay is lazy.
I crawl back into bed and Tember goes into the kitchen to grab a drink. Light in hall goes on. Light in bathroom goes on. Light in kitchen goes on. I am like seriously but at the same time I am going to take advantage of this.
Me: Tember are you sure that you locked the door?
Tember:  Yes mom I am.
Me: Are you sure sure?
Tember (and I hear the frustration) : Mom I locked the door.
Me: Can you just humor your mom? Please? Go and check the door for me.
Tember: grumbles under his breath……it is locked mom…..
Me: giggle giggle snort snort….but did you turn out the lights?
Were I to write over and over how many times I asked Tember if he turned out the lights you would abandon reading this. However whether child or parent you have been at one end or the other of this conversation so go with that……
Maybe it is only me? I don’t know but I thought I was hilarious. Two days after this happened I was still giggling. As I write this I am giggling.
Tember……he did not…..does not…..think that I was/am funny at all.
Okay…..he told me I was not funny.
I have told a few people about this…..and with the exception of one everyone has thought my messing with him is hilarious……now every night before bed the question shall be asked:
Did you turn the lights out?
***I am laughing as I write this. Maybe it is only funny in my head because each time I tell it I am crying laughing by the end. It may not translate as well in my writing as it does in the telling but I hope it does.*****
Jan. 11/20
Picture via Pinterest

Respect the Queen

Queen
you are my queen
lie tripping from your tongue
serpent hiss
flicking tongue
spittle along my cheek.
Disgust
pull back
glaring at you
too stupid
to see
to realize
the disdain I feel
written on my face
hidden in plain sight.
King 
oh my king
sneer
sarcasm laced
ego so large
cannot fathom
cannot hear
tunnel vision
self absorbed image
how great
god’s gift to women…..
um…..
no you ain’t.
I know she broke you
tore away your heart
ha buddy read your status
and yet here you are.
Feeding me sweet words
silly innuendos
trying to get me alone
like you never hurt me
made me feel low.
When you scheme
seek to deceive
to play a stealthy game
your own stupidity
will make me laugh
and seriously
I have to much respect for myself.
©Jan. 11/20
Picture via Pinterest