How to Scare Yourself 101

So this morning…..only task at hand was to wash my load of whites which I did. Only to discover that one of my work shirts has a lovely tint of purple to it. Still scratching my head at that one.

This is Tember’s week at his dad’s so he was picked up at 7 this morning. I have today off so I settled in and enjoyed my morning. Threw laundry into the dryer. Made another pot of coffee. Worked on my poem for today. It was a hard one the word being obnoxious    and I only had a half formed picture working in my mind.

I hung the two remaining shirts I had and went back into the living. Sat on the couch and the poem began to coalesce so down went the coffee and typing began.                      Maiden of Malice being the end result.

  1. Enjoy 4/20
  2. Hang clothes in closet after enjoying
  3. Go back to write

Now I have been using my laptop all morning. After the poem was written I needed to find picture that would fit. But Pinterest my go to would not load so I decided to shut it down for a little bit. It becomes deathly quiet in here when I become aware of the strangest of strange….my bedroom door is closed.

  1. Scratch head
  2. Begin to panic slowly
  3. Sane voice in back of head reminds me I have been here the whole time how on earth could someone get in.
  4. Stand in the middle of the kitchen
  5. Suck in deep breath
  6. Put hand to knob

My heart is in my throat. I tentatively turn the knob and push on the door. Resistance! OMG  someone was in my bedroom. Screamed. Jumped back and began to giggle. Obviously no one was in my bedroom. What was making it worse was how quiet it was. Like in a horror movie. But at 11 a.m.

  1. Talk to self again.
  2. Walk slowly towards the door.
  3. Deep breath
  4. Hand on knob
  5. Hand on Door (no idea why)
  6. Turn knob
  7. Push door open

Door hits the wall with a bang thus flattening anyone hiding behind it waiting to get me. Wohoo go me. Thomas raises his head from where he has been sleeping on my pillow and blinks at me and the sane part of me notes that Thomas would be staring wide awake if there was a stranger in my room. But no……I was now paralyzed with horror because the closet door is open as well. I never do that either!

  1. Run into bedroom
  2. Look to make sure you hung up the work shirts
  3. Slam closet door shut
  4. Run from room to the couch.

I am dying….Part of me is laughing. I totally know how humerous this is. Why do you think I am writing a blog post about it? Yet the other part of me is shaking trying to text P to demand she come over. Just for fifteen minutes. Still shaking. Run back into bedroom and open blinds.

  1. Text P & Z
  2. Ask P to come over
  3. Explain via text to Z
  4. Hair must be left down. This is an important step
  5. Head bent over phone
  6. Type feverishly
  7. Dart frantic glances over glasses at bedroom door

OMG something is there! I can see it. It is moving. Off the couch bolt over to the window and lean against the wall. There is no movement. There is no one in my room. It was my hair falling forward as I was typing.

  1. Lean against wall
  2. Explain via text to P
  3. Read that I have made her laugh
  4. Back to the couch I go

I am sitting here now all calmed down. Water by my side. Bedroom door firmly open and closet door firmly shut. I checked under the bed too… be safe.

Out of all of this I come away with:

No enjoying 4/20 until all chores are done and all doors have been opened or closed as is their natural state. 

I really hope you enjoyed reading about my comic experience this morning. Should you too follow the above steps (must do in the multiple steps no leaving anything out) let me know. Going to say that today is a totally awesome day.


Maiden of Malice

little cock
shuffling feet
trying to get near
lynx lithe
I move ahead
come hither look over my shoulder.
Weaving a maze
delicate dance
melody heard
sung only from my lips
pulling you
directing you
lust painfully aware
disdain in my stare.
too easy
you never were the smartest
not that sharpest knife in the drawer
people do say.
hands grope
who will ever know.
Lead you down the garden gate
short comings
cummings short
(I am so witty)
slow down.
Fatty fatty two by four
could never fit through the kitchen door. 
watching face
sucking air
stiletto on chest
not so obnoxious now
poor poor little man
should have thought
should have considered
why did I not go
to the highest bidder?
©April 20/20
Picture via Pinterest
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