I’m Sorry

Lashing
Words read
Vile
Bitter
Striping self-confidence
Read
Re-read
Message makes no sense
Bunny teeth
Look in mirror
No longer smile
My confidence
Shredded
No longer feel beautiful
No longer feel my worth
Then I realize
Anger
It is not with me
It is not about me
I am comfort
I am steady
I am always there
Realize now
Excitement faded
Joy
Replaced with disappointment
But mom can take
My strength
I understand
A learned trait
(Thank you mom)
Absorb it all
Take it in
Tears cried in private
This is what it means
To love unconditionally.
©May 15/20
Picture is my own

Virtues

Was up at the bright time of 5:15 a.m. on my second day of holidays. Rolled out of bed and started the coffee. Opened the laptop…..walk away and make bed (adulting) come back and…..wait what? 
My laptop is not open to the login page. It is a blank screen and a blue circle thinking. So I try to reboot. Several times. Alright for those who know me like a gazillion times. Bright side I did not yell and scream and curse. I very calmly waited until 8 a.m. and called the repair shop. To have to leave a message. So I did.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most patient person in the world. And now I am on holidays the laptop decides to stop working. Old me would have been enraged and in tears. New me decided to walk away and shower. 
Half hour later and we have……message about pc not shutting down properly and did I want to restart which might fix problem or advanced. Me not being a computer expert at all picks restart. And it begins all over.
Nope not waiting for a call. Load up laptop and decide to take old cpu to see about repairing/refurbishing it. More adulting going on here and a lack of…..you guessed it patience. 
I love that I live less than five minutes by car. Pulled up and sat on phone for moment watching 👀 to see how many are going in and coming out. And also realized there was parking right in front. Moved car up. 
This is another new step for me. I know nothing about computers. I know nothing about repairing. I know nothing and am not afraid to admit it.
I also am rarely impulsive. Deciding something and if I truly need it requires some deep thinking. Weighing out pros and cons. Etc. Well not today. Apparently adulting leads to some impulsiveness for when told that am 11 year old cpu is not worth fixing I asked what was available and in the space of five minutes purchased a brand new cpu for Tember. Who is at his dad’s until Tuesday. Which means I have time to set up. 
I now at home staring at the phone willing it to ring. I am lost without my laptop. I do all my things on there. And writing on phone and trying to post can be frustrating. 
Patience is a virtue the old adage goes. It is a virtue I lack ain’t gonna lie. 
May 15/20

Picture is my own