Addiction & Me

Oh lordy I bet y’all groaned seeing that headline. Not another one of her posts about addiction and drinking and quitting. How many times do we have to read about this? Gonna give this one a pass no offense…….none taken.
Many a time I have announced loud and proud that I am going to quit drinking. I have gotten as far as 4 weeks in the last while before that voice the one that says one or two is okay knowing full well it is going to turn into more than that and I cave. The amount of alcohol I have been consuming is far beyond healthy amounts. And am needing more and more to feel that buzz. Only more and more leads to feelings of disgust and loathing. Recriminations. I feel lousy. Am down and feeling ugly. I berate myself over and over again. In doing so I begin to feel I am in a loop-worry I am suffering a relapse in depression without noticing-drink-wake in morning feeling awful-cycle begins all over again.
Again consumed way way too much in passed several weeks. Monday I am in lobby doing carts which gives me alone time. Does not pick up until later in the morning so as I am cleaning and moving/organizing self for the day I begin a conversation with myself……about drinking…..about reasons why……truth that I do not even like to drink. I do not like blacking out-thankfully at home but not cool…..down on self because of the drinking…..drink because I am bored……drink because that is what I do…..an addictive habit that I must break.
Next is the truth……if I do not quit now I am going to kill myself drinking. Not because I am running away. Not because I cannot face life. Because I like the way it tastes….just like I did when I smoked…..gonna kill me but I loved how it tasted.
I have an app on my phone called Daylio. I love this little guy. First downloaded in 2018 to help me track my moods…..activities……to keep me on track so that I could monitor self and not fall off into such a black hole ever again. You can even back up to your Google account so that you never loose data. And it reminds you every two weeks or so to backup. Weekly you get a report showing you what your average rating was and your activities. You can also set goals. With Premium I believe you can unlock more goals but I have the free version so I can set one goal.
The goal I have chosen is Sobriety. Every day when my activities come up when I check sober and save I am told how many days I have been keeping track of my moods. I also get a daily streak for my goal. With a blue flame.
I am on day 6.
For many that may seem trivial. It is ok. We all look at life and how we handle our addictions differently. My biggest understanding came from the fact I drink out of boredom. Which has got to be one of the worst reasons in the world to drink. When do I get bored? In the evenings when Tember is with his dad. The weekend that Tember is gone. Even during the week Tember is here.
This week on Tuesday Tember and me went grocery shopping. We hung out laughing and joking around. Made supper together. It was rotissiere chicken and salad. Prep time all of my tearing up the lettuce and Tember ripping pieces of chicken off and plunking on plate. Only once did I have a slight struggle and that was yesterday. Wine is not really alcohol flashed through my brain…..no……no……no……it is hot as hell but there is other stuff you can drink. And I did. Pepsi. Water. Ate a bunch of candy. Bought $38 in candy and nuts for the weekend. The nuts are gone. And sugar craving done. Into the cupboard they go until next sugar fit.
Game plan:
  1. Ignore the voice telling me it is ok to have one. It is never ok. It is ok to tell that voice to go fuck itself.
  2. Money. Gonna save a lot of money.
  3. Energy
  4. Clearer skin/eyes
  5. Shinier/ softer hair
  6. Smarter (lol okay maybe not but I appear so)
  7. Creativity spikes (that is never bad)
  8. Easier on self
  9. Enjoying small things
Hard part of this…..nothing…..lie……saying no to self once I have several days/weeks down…..I have to this time…..I really want to this time….
Like making my bed every day I will develop a new non-drinking habit. I have done so in the past. I will do so again. I am strong. I am weak. I have a wonderful support system. I can do this….I know I can.
Β©July 25/20
Picture is my own

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

I am a single hard working mom in her 40's. I have always written poetry and I love words. I live with depression and its ups downs. This is a space where I can create and write all that I need to.

28 thoughts on “Addiction & Me”

  1. Hey there! I too am an addict, suffering in cycles and losing more than I can afford. My thing is pot, but I have a prescription, so its pretty justified to keep using it. It helps my nightmares, anxiety, and depression like nothing else. I feel more motivated after a couple tokes. I do my best NOT to smoke to the point of intoxication. But I feel ya. Your whole article. Resonation from afar, on our slow cosmic voyage to Wisdom (that is a Tourniquet album title, actually, they are a heavy metal band).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Boredom is a word that says much more. What’s the problem with boredom? What about it bothers you?
    Random fact. Alcohol is a depressant.
    You go gal!
    Love, light and glitter

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Despite not having an addiction to alcohol, i can relate to your struggle because i have a damningly obsessive personality. Usually i don’t care for much but if something catches my interest, i can spend hours working on it to the extent that i forget to eat often or sometimes cant sleep. Which seems admirable if movies are anything to go by, but it never really is in real life. I always end up hurting myself by both physically and mentally draining myself. It took years and years of getting to terms with the fact that i don’t do things in “normal” amount and incredible effort to force myself to a kind of routine and life that keeps my obsessiveness in check. And i still fail sometimes. So, i get how hard it can be and hey, day 6 is no small feat! You are doing great and keep doing what works for you. It *is* hard. But you can do it. All the best wishes to you! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad you have found support and love as you damn well should. It’s an extremely difficult and equally laudable undertaking on your part and you deserve all the cheers in the world. πŸ™‚β£οΈ

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so glad that you wrote about this! I didn’t know you had written about this in the past.
    I admire your honesty and tenacity to stop drinking. It’s so easy to say “one more” and then fall into that cycle again. If it’s not drinking, it’s something else for other people. Day 6 is progress that you wouldn’t have made if you did not make that commitment.
    You can do it…one day at a time. Cheering you on and sending you hugs…
    Heard from Diane that you found homes for 2 kitties, and you are keeping 1. Awesome! Hope the little fuzzball brings you some cheers.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Go, go, go, gal!! πŸ™‚ I know you can do this, and talking about it is a great way to give yourself more chances. Take all the support you can get, and take this one day at a time. You are one great lady, and you deserve all the good things achieving this goal will bring to your life πŸ™‚ *Big hugs* xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Congrats your a beautiful person your strong and you should feel empowered by your courage! I am rooting you on! Ever need anyone send me a email and I will give you a private one! I know many with addictions and honesty smoked cigarettes at one time from the age of 18 until 22 quilt cold turkey felt like i was going to die still miss them till this day any addiction is hard but can be overcome with love and support! You have a friend here ❀😘

    Liked by 1 person

      1. They sure do and anytime πŸ’– Love makes the world go round too and I have a lot to give and I appreciate that very much too! You ever need anyone to talk to you can call i will give you my number privately if you ever need it or want it…you got a friend here ❀

        Liked by 1 person

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