My Secret Brain

I am still surprised at how my brain continues to protect me from things I may not be strong enough to confront.
I have been lucky in being able to have confronted my demons and casting them from my being.
However just because I have does not mean that I am aware of all the damage that truly has accrued given my brain’s propensity for protecting me.
You might wonder what the heck I am talking about and I will explain.
I have had the limited series The Keepers from Netflix on my To Watch list.
About the death of a nun in 1969 and what happened and why.
Watched the first episode or two and found myself drawn in.
Cried when the brother of another murdered young woman told how he had identified his sister where she lay to save his parents the burden.
To this day that is the last memory he has of her.
I cannot even fathom the level of pain that they are still carrying around.
I believe it is episode three (I could be wrong I was letting it play as I wrote and read) when there was the introduction of another woman and what had happened during this time period for her.
I first realized I had missed something when I came back to ‘he would call me a whore and pray over me as they did things to me and I to them.’
Whoa okay so I rewind and begin again.
Wait what how did I miss that again?
Rewind again.
And again how did I miss what is going on.
Fourth time I got to where it took her five tries to walk to the confessional and again realized I was missing something pertinent.
Fifth time ‘If I had never gone to confession that day.
This is my 6th time rewinding and I put down the phone.
I set the laptop down.
I focus on the t.v. and watch.
In this segment the woman is telling how she had been sexually abused by an uncle.
He was a pedophile.
After telling the priest about the abuse and the lingering guilt that she-the victim-was carrying around he asked to see her and know her name.
She was horrified thinking that this was such a grievous sin he had to actually put a face and name to what was suppose to be anonymous confession.
No he was a classic abuser but I see that given what I know and I am an adult watching a young woman who believed and trusted that the priests in her life were there to care and help her not use her abuse against her.
We are talking 1969 when people still observed all the catholic tenets.
It was the last sentence she made as in the recreation she was walking away from the confessional.
‘He told me that he was going to have to pray on this. That it was such a large sin that he did not know if god could forgive her.’
This is where I stopped the show.
I will go back eventually but I realized what was going on.
I was brought up catholic.
I was brought up to believe in the all powerful god who watches over and subjugates us to terrible pain and suffering to gain his love.
I was brought up to believe that one did not question the men who taught us the word of the lord.
I was 14 when I lost faith.
I was 14 when I ran away from home because I did not know how to cope with what I was going through.
I was 14 when my world began to turn.
I was 45 before I was able to set those demons to rest.
And I no longer believe.
I cannot put faith or trust in a being that we are taught to fear and blindly follow.
We are taught that these abusers are handpicked by god to be his mouthpiece.
This is not a rant against religion.
This is about my brain protecting me.
It only happens that the show I am watching contains religion due to the subject matter.
I had three days of torturous hell when I broke.
Or my mind broke.
Or the barrier I had erected fell down.
One single act was all it took and memories returned.
Not all but enough that I knew what happened to me.
I finally understood truly that vile voice in my head that said no one cared.
I finally was able to understand why I was killing myself with OTC muscle relaxants.
I finally was able to put my pieces back together after so many years of running and hiding from my truth.
What I do not know is the extent.
My brain is one of the most secretive and protective in the world.
But I am okay with that vault in my mind that has been drenched in concrete/chains wrapped around/dropped into an abyss with like a gazillion locks protecting me.
Because as I have said time and time again this is protection that keeps me safe and sane.
And for that I tip my hat to my brain which knows me better then I know myself.
©November 8/20
Picture is my own

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

A single hard working mom of a soon to be teenage son. A poet and story teller I have wanted to write since I was a child. This space is where I share stories about myself and my life and the creative poetry that stirs my soul. My hope is you will pull up a chair and a cup of coffee delving into the world that I offer and you find simple enjoyment for a few moments. Welcome to The Wonderful & Wacky World of One Single Mom

14 thoughts on “My Secret Brain”

    1. Which is why I am listening to music right now and settling. I will go back and watch because I can’t look away from this and pretend it does not exist. I will have my blanket and cuddle one of the cats when next on. Thank you. 🤓💜🤗

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  1. The mind is a very powerful thing! I am so sorry that you know such pain, and I have my own issues with organized religion for reasons such as the ones you have written about. (NO offense intended for those that attend church, and I know that’s not what this post was about.) I deeply admire your courage, Jay-lyn! I have not yet mustered the courage to write about my loss of faith or the fact that I no longer believe in god, but your post has inspired me to think about it, so that’s something! Sending you lots of love & hugs! ❤

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    1. Thank you Kristian. It means a lot. And given I work and live in a religious community I tend to not say a lot. Not out of fear but because I respect those around me and their beliefs. And I am not willing to argue with someone who has already made their mind up because they are ‘right’ and follow the tenets of the bible while I am wrong and heathen.
      I have wItnessed this correct behaviour and I tell you if gossiping back biting and demoralizing others is what is called ‘good’ I am perfectly cool with being described as an evil being because I believe in building not tearing others down. Sorry once more off on some weird response. 😘

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      1. You have absolutely no reason to apologize. I get it. A lot of my family, neighbors, friends, blog followers, etc.. are strong in their beliefs, and in some ways, I admire their faith, but remember, anyone who “attacks” you because you don’t believe the same way they do says more about their character than yours. I know there are a lot of good people who call themselves Christian’s, but I know there’s also a lot of “Sunday christians.” Worship God on Sunday, but turn back to their hateful ways come Monday morning. Like you, I’d rather be a seen as a kind-hearted person outside of church than a hypocrite in one.

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    1. Thank you so much Christine. I could not figure out why I kept having to go back. But once I watched the whole scene through I realized what had happened. It amazes me still how we are so protective of ourselves that some things will never see the light of day. Day by day is the way to go. Thank you. 🤓💜🤗

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  2. Oh my… (((((((HUGS)))))) to you Lil Sis. Your bravery … I have no words, not even speechlessed fits this wordless acknowledgement of your deep painful memories.
    Our brains steel traps are there for just this sort of reason, it is so we can rise above the damage that has been caused by ‘others’ who were supposed to be there for us, to care for us, to love us and to protect us. Because of these monsters, we have so much work to do to keep hold of our strained and tattered sanity and we lift our chins and say ‘Fuck you, I am stronger than you, I will not lie down.’ And we move forward. Painfully, cautiously, hesitantly, lacking in trust, but we move on and eventually we get to where we are today, strong, stable and brave. Long may our steel traps survive to protect us. I love you Lil Sis. 💖💖💖

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    1. Love you too. I am raw today it seems. I suppose it has triggered me without meaning to. Not that I am sitting here dwelling but I am a little weepier than usual. Which says a lot because I am a weepy person all the time anyhow…..well an emphatic so I feel others feelings as well and I feel deeply. So weeping is norm. I am proud of myself for making the connection and instead of forcing myself to continue I decided to turn off and let these feelings simmer down. Not to say there won’t be more posts as I watch the series but they may become angrier and more strident as I write. Pull no punches and kneel to no one. 😘😘🤗

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    1. Thank you. I find as the years go by from 2017 12/23 forward as that is when I really began to live again it is not so hard to forget and I wrote about it. I cried at end of writing this post. Not in pain. But it overwhelmed me as I wrote it because those words telling a young woman who had her innocence stolen that god may not forgive her killed me and suddenly 14 year old me is yelling let me out and at him. Sorry I am rambling. I appreciate you. 🤓💜💜🤗

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