I could have Cried

I was not going to put a warning here but do not want to kill off my male readers with shock.
I discuss female anatomy.
I give it a personality.
If easily offended just skip that paragraph.
Otherwise enjoy.
216 days.
7 months and 6 days sober.
Gonna admit that my coffee intake has tripled since quitting but that is neither here nor there.
But not feeling like death warmed over?
Not remembering what time I fell into bed?
And did I do something embarrassing?
I was a shit mom when I was drinking.
I mean I joked with him and laughed but I was not present with him.
It kills me when I think of it.
Which I don’t do often.
Not because I am weak but because T and I have made our peace.
But when I do think about it I cringe and hate myself all over again.
I say again because I spent many years hating myself.
I took pills and drank to get away from me.
Now I am me.
No pills.
No booze.
Just little old me.
And I can hate my behaviour.
Ha that came to me as I was typing.
In re to ‘the hating myself again’ that is wrong it is the behaviour I hated.
I have changed the behaviour.
Today was the day.
Went in for the lovely ladies day at the doctor’s.
Which included getting my liver function tested.
I had the blood work taken last Thursday.
Everything checked.
And because I had quit drinking the liver test.
I kept telling myself that if something was seriously wrong I would have heard already.
If I was dying they would not let me come alone to the office would they?
I was scared.
I not only drank heavily but took Tylenol 1’s for a very long time.
With alcohol.
Without.
So while not dwelling on my results I have gone with the no news is good news adage.
Half an hour late into my appointment and I had been sitting in the little naked gown we all get.
On my phone texting.
What else do you do in the exam room while waiting these days?
You text people and tell them you are naked!
Like they really want to know but it is fun for me.
Lots of different responses to that one.
Finally in comes my doctor.
We have not had a face to face in nearly 3 years.
He has gone grey on the back of his head.
And as I sit there we go over my list of things I wanted looked at/discussed.
And the blood work.
Cholesterol level is a little bit high.
But there is really nothing I can do because it is the good cholesterol.
It is the high one.
Hemoglobin is good.
Liver numbers are a little high but in the normal range.
And as long as I continue to not drink it will heal.
Went through the other end of it too.
Ladies the legs in the air time.
Well apparently my cervix wandered.
Who the hell thought their cervix would just up and decide to vanish?
Finally found turns out she was feeling a little shy.
I came home and it wasn’t until I was standing in the living room that it hit me.
A wave of relief that lead to tears.
I had figuratively been holding my breath.
I had done so much damage to my liver how could it be anything but not great?
To hear that I was good well here come the tears a bit as I write.
Every day I move forward I realize that there is so much more I need to live.
There is so much more that I need to learn.
There is so much more that I need to teach.
That I want to teach.
Once I have learned it.
Which will be never because no one masters life.
We grow and learn.
Forever changing.
That my friends I think is what life is.
Have a great weekend everyone.
This is what T and I had for brunch today. Chocolate and Almond Granola with Extra Creamy Vanilla Bean Yogurt (13% protein) and strawberries.wp-16137804928604942111475614242658.jpg
Awesome that is all I am going to say.
©Feb. 19/21
Photos are my own

Author: Jay-lyn Doerksen

A single hard working mom of a soon to be teenage son. A poet and story teller I have wanted to write since I was a child. This space is where I share stories about myself and my life and the creative poetry that stirs my soul. My hope is you will pull up a chair and a cup of coffee delving into the world that I offer and you find simple enjoyment for a few moments. Welcome to The Wonderful & Wacky World of One Single Mom

15 thoughts on “I could have Cried”

  1. You’re doing really well, so be kind to yourself. Each of us makes mistakes that we wish we could erase but unfortunately the delete button is not working in this button. There is only “enter” so you can start a new line ~
    But how the hell does a cervix wander?! 😦 was it hiding? Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You also need to stop apologizing for what you did in the past. Get past it and move on to a beautiful future! You are smart, talented, and funny. Who knows where that can take you! Explore the possibilities and forget about the past!

    Liked by 1 person

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