It’s Been a Wild Ride ‘Til Now (And we ain’t done yet)

This story starts 49 years ago.
Although if one wants to be technical it is not actually 49 years until 8:05 p.m.
Even before I was born I was trouble.
Did not even want to come out.
Eventually wrestled free by forceps coming out only slightly resembling a Conehead.
Remember them?
From SNL?
birth
Flashforward through the years.
Divorced parents.
Abused.
Multiple relationships.
One marriage.
My own divorce is pending.
Addiction.
Not one.
Not two.
But three of them.
Nicotine-Quit smoking in 2016.
Pills-Quit taking Dec. 23/21 (last day I took them)
Alcohol-407 days sober.
I have cycled through a few depressive episodes.
I have fallen down twice so hard that I broke.
It was the second time that like the phoenix arising from the ashes that a new Jay came into being.
I am not perfect.
I am as flawed and cracked as a ’30’s porcelain doll passed down through the daughter’s daughter’s daughter’s hands
loved-but I am well loved within myself by myself.
Weird way to say that I have accepted myself.
Not going to lie it is a struggle.
For the most part yes I love myself and believe all the things I tell myself but there are times where I despair.
That is vanity speaking though.
I work hard to love myself.
I work hard to accept myself.
I look in the mirror and know that there is so much more work to be done.
That is okay though.
Where would I be if I did not grow?
Where would I be if I did not look beyond myself to the world and how I can help?
Where would I be if I put myself first always and forever?
Alone.
Miserable.
Bitter.
I left that person behind.
A long time ago and there will be no going back.
I am still that little girl who danced in the sunbeams with fairies and knights in shining armor.
child
The little girl who looked always for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
rainbow
The little girl who grew up and put away the things of children too soon.
I am going to reclaim her.
Let her out to revel in the joys we find.
Together.
Wonder.
Love.
Acceptance.
And maybe a hill to roll down.
©Aug. 29/21
Pictures are my own and via Pinterest
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